So.
Auditions for Next to Normal are a week away. One week until the biggest audition of my theater adventure thus far. I haven't wanted a role this bad in my whole life.
Natalie is...one of my dream roles. I just...relate to her. In sort of a round about way. My parents aren't divorced; my brother has never died; my mom has never had mental illnesses; and I've never dated a druggie.
But.
My whole life I've grown up in my older sisters shadow, feeling almost invisible. Feeling unimportant and easily replaced. Went through some rough phases of suicide contemplation. Went through a particularly ugly phase/addiction of cutting and self-detriment. Pushed everyone away that tried to care about me, thinking I could just do it all on my own; thinking I didn't deserve anyone caring in my life. I dated the "not so great" kind of guys, that would've fit the "stoner" stereotype minus the drug use. I fought with my mom my whole life, consistently disappointing her and proving to be the "black sheep" of our family.
So, in a twisted sort of way, I really connect with her.
Aside from that though, I love her character journey and her songs and her character in general. And the show itself is a beautiful story that hit me really hard the first time I listened to it and learned the story line. I could talk for days about how much I love this show and how badly I want to be in it.
I sang my audition piece, "Dead Girl Walking" from Heathers, for Melinda the other day and she seemed really impressed. She actually asked me "And what did you need me for?" when I finished. She left me speechless quite honestly. But after that she helped me with pronunciation towards the end of the piece that helped me a ton and I'm way excited and nervous out of my brain for this audition.
That being said: I'm not Natalie. We are two opposite people. I don't swear. I don't know how to deal with depression. I don't know how to deal with family death. I don't know how to be deep and intense the way that she is. So I'm going to have to learn how to. And that's kind of hard for me to admit. But I am going to do anything and everything I have to in order to get this part. I was really worried about how I was going to do that, and then musical theater happened on Thursday and gave me a brilliant idea.
Class was incredible on Thursday. We finished up our class songs and we had some major break-throughs. Amber sang and was really emotional about it and we all sang with her while she was working it and Maddie found her mix and was emotional and then Melinda got emotional and said how much she loves her job and us and it got real in there, let me tell ya. It was such a neat experience!
But, towards the end, during Amber's performance/working time, she said that singing wasn't her favorite thing. And Melinda said that was fine and everything was alright and then she started talking about Beyonce.
Apparently, in real life, Beyonce isn't the girl she is on stage when she's shakin everything her momma gave her. She actually isn't comfortable with it. But she needed a way to be, so she created Sasha Fierce; her alter ego.
Sasha Fierce is just that: she is fierce; intense; she is not shy about anything.
So when Beyonce has to get up on stage and be that type of person, she "becomes" Sasha Fierce and allows her to "take over".
That's what I want to do. I want to be able to be intense and dark and more confident and sassy and kind of a "B" to be honest. But I don't want to become that sort of person for the rest of my life. I want to be able to "put that on" when I'm in a show that requires that sort of character, but be able to "take it off" in real life. So I have decided that I'm going to try to make myself and alter ego. Someone that I can pretend to be in shows like "Next to Normal" that deal with darker and more intense situations and language.
I'm hoping that eventually I won't need an alter ego; I'm hoping I'll be able to just act and be genuine about it. But Just to be careful I'm going to find an alter ego first, to make sure I don't pass through old habits, and then slowly let it go.
Sounds kind of ridiculous, I know. But I'm enjoying trying to find a name. I haven't picked one yet, but these are my favorites so far:
-Mikiah
-Iris
-Taelia
-Kitai
I want a name that sounds kind of fierce and uncommon and unique. A name that doesn't sound like me in any way. So we'll keep looking and find a combination that I like.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
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