Commit to the Mask

I had such a neat experience the first week in Movement II. I've never done mask work before, so it was kind of mind blowing. 

When I first looked at my mask I found it to be really ugly. It looked so unhappy and pained to me I wanted to turn away. I then began to think more about the person that this mask was and what had happened and I began to get a "Hunchback of Notre Dome" vibe and the mask softened to me. 

As I put the mask on for the first time, I was a little wary. I knew that this character had to become its own person but I couldn't help but throw all of my insecurities into the mask. I immediately gave this character a gimp leg and hunched over. At first I played her very weak. Weak and afraid. She was shy and didn't want a whole lot of anything to do with anyone. I knew that it was just me being afraid to be bold and put myself out there but I didn't really change anything. 

Between that class and the next though, I spent a lot of time thinking about her and myself, how we were similar and how we were different. And it occurred to me that she was very strong. She had fears and doubts just like I did. She had a "handicap" so to speak. But unlike me, she didn't let it hold her back. She just accepted it and carried on, doing whatever the heck she felt like. She looked out for others and reached out to those who were lonely, like I try to do. But she succeeded in truly caring about everyone she met. I don't always do that. I try but I'm still human, and people still bug me. But she wasn't. She wasn't human, and she didn't have to deal with human faults. She didn't have to be bothered by people because that wasn't one of her traits, that was mine. 

It was sort of surreal. But She just sort of made sense to me all of the sudden and for a moment I met the person I wanted to be. 
And I decided then to let go of a lot of things. To try to at least. But most of all I decided to stop holding back, to stop letting my fears control everything; to stop doubting my talents and gifts. I decided to stop using my hips as an excuse. That one is proving more difficult though as they get continuously worse and more painful--I can only push so far. But I'm working on it. 

Overall, it helped to prove a theory that I've been circulating through my mind. I shared it in class sort of, but it sounded...really lame actually, and I felt like everyone just looked at me like "duh courtney". But that doesn't matter in the end, it was my own personal break through. And here it is:

Theatre is not about me. 

I know, brilliant right? ;) 

But seriously, it's not. It's about the character I'm playing and their experiences. It's about how they interact with people and how they've learned to be who they are. Theatre is about telling a story to the most honest place I can. If that means I have to wear a strange costume or have a weird voice, that's what it means! Because that's who my character is. For so long I've always worried about how I look on stage and when I perform. I've been so concerned about whether or not people will recognize me and tell me that I did a good job, and confirm to me that I'm in the right industry that I've lost experiences I could have had with my characters. 

For example:

My senior year we did Beauty and the Beast. And it came down to me and 2 other girls for the role of Belle (one of my dream rolls). There was me, a sophmore (who I felt didn't have the right voice for Belle), and another senior (that wasn't as vocally strong as I was and the two of us didn't have the greatest history and it's a long story and not important). I thought I had the part in the bag, so did a lot of other people to be honest. I was the favorite I guess you could say. But at the end of the night, the director made the call and the other senior girl was cast as Belle and I was cast as Madame de la Grande Bouche (the wardrobe). I was pissed. Hoenstly I was. That was "my" role. It was going to be my spot, my perfect character. And I didn't get it. I was so bitter. For most of the rehearsal progress I was angry and upset and so lost as I was trying to portray this character (Madame) that was so outside what I normally played.

The show was great, and the girl who was Belle did a good job. And I did a good job. But at the end of the show, I looked back and realized how much I missed out on. I hadn't noticed that I was so angry during the rehearsal progress. I didn't realize that I was upset I had to play an "object" and be a goofy character--that I was worried how people would view me. But when the show ended I realized just how mediocre I had played my character and how unjust I had been to her. I was so focused on ME and how I looked and sounded that I didn't even bother with Madame as a character. I didn't put the same effort into her as I had my other "lead roles" that I had played. 

But I'm learning, more and more, that theatre is about being committed to the mask--being committed to the character we are playing and their story that we are sharing. I shouldn't want the audience to be able to recognize me on stage or when I perform. I should want to be so devoted to my character that they see my face and don't recognize me. 

It's going to take a lot of work on my part to be that "out there". I'm filled with so much doubt and insecurities, but I hope I can get there. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3