Becoming a Triple Threat...?

My confidence is shot. 

There, I admitted it. 

My confidence this year has gone completely down the drain. 

I'm not sure when it happened, and I'm not sure why. But it's shot. I've been running from that fact all year, but I've finally been able to admit it. 

I started college Fall of 2013, a little uncertain of how it all worked, but I knew I was talented. I did very well in my high school's theater department, and I knew that I had been blessed with talents. I knew I was a natural and genuine actor, and I knew that I had a powerful voice, even without taking voice lessons before in my life. As my first year of college progressed, I slowly began to make a name for myself, one class performance at a time. The highlight of my year was making the BFA program, after a hasty decision to "just give it a shot". Resulting in the turning of all my plans, upside down and inside out. 

I was going to be a theater education major. But now I didn't have a clue what to do. 

This year started and so did the dance classes and the voice lessons. Neither of which I had done before. 

I knew I was a terrible dancer--sure I could pick up choreography, but it seemed to take me longer than everyone. 

I knew I could sing--but voice lessons took everything I could do and tore it apart, forcing me to build technicality. 

I knew I could act--but I botched my auditions for most of the years shows. 

I was very disappointed and questioning if I was in the right field. And then I made it into Fiddler! Could've cried from being so happy. Working on a show again has made all the difference in the world. It's the only thing that helps me sometimes. 

I'm taking 2 dance classes this semester: balletI and dance for musical theater. And they are kicking my trash. I have to work so much harder to pick up on things, to manipulate my body to do what it's supposed to. And it is the most frustrating thing that I've ever done. Everyone else seems to be natural at dancing, and then there's me. I know it takes practice and patience and all that. But no matter how hard I work, I don't get better. It's so frustrating.

I'm supposed to be a triple threat right? Someone who can dance, sing, and act in creative and brilliant ways. But everything feels so upside down lately that I don't have a clue where I'm at. 

My voice is changing. In a good way. I've learned how to manage and place things even better than I had before. But I feel like I don't sound good any longer. I get very discouraged during my vocal lessons because I feel like I'm letting my voice instructor down. I feel like I don't sound as good as I used to. But then I perform and everything goes smoothly and my voice feels fine and people are surprised and very complimentary of my voice. 

Same with my acting. 

My dancing though is still in a realm of its own. A large portion of it is from my hips. My bones role over each other and my tendons get pinched in the middle of them and they are constantly aching and it's hard to dance on them. It is so hard to convince them that they need to move a certain way because my range of motion is so small. 

I don't know what I'm going to do anymore though. And if I can't fix this, if I can't do better and work harder and pick up on things faster, then my road to becoming a triple threat is diminishing to a double threat. And that's not good enough. 

But once in a blue moon, I have a moment that reminds me why I"m doing what I'm doing; reminds me that I'm on the right path. 

The other day in Musical Theater was one of those moments. 

I performed my class song, "It Might as Well be Spring" from State Fair, and it went really well. Not perfect, but I was proud of my performance. And everyone was very complimentary about my voice. Demaree said she would have cast me, and the other girls that hadn't ever heard me sing before seemed genuinely impressed. 

And then Melinda said, "You have got some pipes" and she seemed impressed and surprised too and I melted on the floor. I look up to her soooooo much. She's married AND has a beautiful little family AND she does theater professionally, AND she teaches. Everything that I want to do! And, if that wasn't enough, the following day at Fiddler rehearsal she put her arm around me and told me that she was really proud of me and my performance. All of that combined just...was exactly what I needed. It was a perfect little tender mercy from Heavenly Father that reminded me that I am talented and that I CAN do this. I was so thankful.

It's the little moments that help me find my confidence and remind me to keep my chin up. AND that life really isn't so bad;) 

So, it's on to my next adventure. 

NEXT TO NORMAL!!! 

Auditions are right after Fiddler, and I've been thinking about what to audition with since last Friday when they announced it. I want to be Natalie so bad I can't even find words strong enough. This show is one of my favorite shows in the WHOLE world, and she is one of my dream roles. That being said--I'm trying not to get my hopes up so much. The more excited I get about it, the harder I'm going to crash if I don't get the role. I don't think I've ever wanted a character this badly. Well, tied for wanting Belle ;) 

Anyhow. 

I'm working my butt of for this role already. Searching for the perfect song and trying to think of a monologue--I think I've got everything I need now. I'm anxious and excited and all I can do is my very best. 

My high school theater teacher, Mr. Shelley, always told us not to take auditions personally. He said that, "Sometimes they are trying to make and apple pie and you're an orange". And that's the case with all auditions. You may think you're perfect for it, but maybe you're an orange and the directer is trying to make an apple pie, not orange juice. 

So, in this case: 

I hope I am the fruit they need/want. Because this is my chance to finally get my name out there in the department. To finally make myself known. 

And I couldn't be more ready for it. 

 <3: CourtneyRae<3