So I talked to Peter on Friday. I just wanted to know if I made it into Next to Normal, I wanted to know if Peter really wasn't going to post the cast list until after spring break. I found out, but I want to write about the audition and callback process first.
My audition was late evening on Wednesday. I went in there, nervous as I had never been before, but stoked I was finally auditioning for a show that I actually had a shot of being a lead in. I sang my piece, "Dead Girl Walking" from "Heathers". It wasn't my strongest performance (go figures), but that song sits so perfectly in my range that even when it isn't my best, it still sounds really great. Sounds cocky I know, but it's true. When I ended, Peter had a smile on his face that said, "there she is, there's Courtney". I walked out of that audition with my head held high and confidence in my step.
The next morning I held my breath as I read through the callback and was shocked to see I was called back for both Natalie and Diana. I downloaded the music for the callbacks (that we were asked to have prepared for the callback) and worked my butt off for 4 hours, memorizing every word, every note and rhythm just as it was written on the page.
I showed up to my callback confident in my abilities, but intimidated by Peter's favorites (jordyn, carly, selena...) and I was worried that I no longer had a shot, worried that Peter was just going to play his favorites "like usual".
The callback carried on, I made it through the first round as Diana with Carly and was surprised out of my mind. Then I made it through the Natalie round with Tami, Brittany and Carly. So there we were, the 4 of us girls. As surprised out of my mind--that Brittany had made it that far, and that she had sang the way she had--that I might have been, there we were.
At the very end of the night, peter had everyone that was left come into the room. There were us 4 girls, and the 6 remaining guys (I think...or 5). Peter had us all line up, as all directors do, and slowly began to swap us out. He had Carly go up there first and she stayed up there the rest of the time. Which pretty much confirmed to me that she will be Diana. I think what happened was that they heard me sing for Natalie and decided I was better fit for her than Diana. So, Carly stayed up there, they sent me up there, then pulled me down and sent Tami up, then Brittany, and then they sent me back up there and had me stand next to Carly. Then they said that was all they needed and they sent us all home, everyone walking out anxious, and me feeling quite confident that I had just landed Natalie--my dream role.
Friday rolled around and I just couldn't stand to wait until after spring break for the list to go up. So I went to see Peter. He knew why I was there and I could tell it was going to be a rough conversation by the look on his face.
**Here's where you can skip all the negativity I felt about what happened and just get down to the moral of the story;)**
As our conversation began, Peter told me that I did a great job and that I brought my "a-game". He then went on to say that hands down, if he had his way,if we were in a professional setting, I would be cast as Natalie--I was the obvious choice, no doubt about it. And then he said the words that I have come to hate, "but we're in an education setting". And I knew right then that my chances were out. Why?
Because Brittany will be a senior next year.
And I will be a junior.
I get it. I get that you have to "play the game" that way...in jr. high and high school sure. But in college? That rule still applies in college? Are you kidding me!?
Our conversation carried on, and Peter kept saying that they were stuck between a rock and a hard place because of several reasons. This is the gist of what Peter said (not word for word, but paraphrased):
"There's you. Amazing vocals true. But your acting chops are not quite where I want them to be (exact words), and Carly's are--so she's a better fit for Diana. You are such a perfect fit for Natalie, your voice is so good and you are the obvious choice. But then there's Brittany. She's been working her butt off and she hasn't been in anything yet. She'll be a senior next year and I can't see her doing Rent, and this is her last big chance. She really brought it and I wasn't expecting that from her."
I agreed with him. Brittany had blown me away. I had only heard her quiet little classical voice but she let it all out during callbacks and I knew she was a contender.
Peter and I continued to talk for another 10 minutes or so. He kept saying that I was the obvious choice, that I was so perfectly fitted to the part, but Brittany would be a senior and she needed something. He kept saying how we were in an educational setting and that it was just how things were. And I would tell him I understood his position and I knew how it worked. Never did he once say who it was that got the part. Not directly.
But we continued on, following down a different tangent. He told me that I shouldn't take this personally. He told me that I was talented, and that I was going to get work and sweep the competition with my vocals alone. He then mentioned a conversation he had with Kirstin, his wife and my current dance/movementII professor. She was saying how worried she is because my hips are so messed up and I'm going to need them to dance. Peters remark to that was that I'm not going to be in dance-heavy shows. So in other words, this is what I heard that whole conversation: "your acting is not great and neither is your dancing. The only hope you have of getting work is your voice". Ya. that was a GREAT conversation. Really left me feeling awesome. Honestly it left me doubting everything, and made me question if I was in the right field; if I was truly any good; if I had any chance of getting work this summer...but that's another entry for another day.
By the end of our conversation, Peter said that he was so relieved that he could talk that way with me and that I understood and without having to hear him say it, I knew that was his way of telling me that Brittany got the part. And I was not happy about.
PAUSE
Brittany is a great girl. I love her to pieces. I really do. This is nothing against her personally, please don't think that. We are great friends and I know she is going to do a fantastic job. It's just hard when you're against your dearest friends for your dream roles and they're the one that gets it ya know?
PLAY
That weekend I was pissed. No other way to say it.
I couldn't help but feel like it was my high school senior year, "Beauty and the Beast" all over again. I was the obvious choice for a lead, for Belle in this show, but I didn't get it because of reasons that no one knows (I actually think they just put our names in a hat a drew one out because they actually said they would probably have to do that because it was just so close. The 3 of us that were left for belle would each do a great job and give 3 very different performances in 3 very different versions of B&B). And here I was again, the obvious choice for a lead, for Natalie, and the role was going to someone else because "she's worked her butt off and hasn't been in anything yet and she's graduating next year so we've gotta give her something"...I was not happy with my situation.
I was furious that I wasn't getting the part, simply because a girl who was going to be a senior had been working her butt off and hadn't been in anything yet.
Excuse me for saying so, but whose fault is that??
If the directors of the shows are trying to make "apple pie", they need apples. If she has been an orange this whole time it's no ones fault! It's just how life is! It's how this business is! It doesn't mean that Brittany isn't talented and it doesn't mean that the directors "owe it to her" to make sure she gets in a show her senior year.
PAUSE
I understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of this situation. In high school I was the senior that got a lead over a junior/sophomore. I know what it feels like. But that's high school theater...not collegiate.
PLAY
The more I thought about it, the more I felt Peter cast Brittany as Natalie, for the same reasons that he DIDN'T cast me as Diana. Carly was the obvious choice for Diana because she has the acting skills to play her character as honestly as possible. I (in the words of Peter) do not have the acting skills needed for Diana (which I actually already knew), but I had the voice and character needed for Natalie. Brittany didn't (not the voice/character Peter was wanting). But she was getting cast because she'll be a senior next year and Peter can't see her in "Rent". But can somehow see me in "Rent".
NEWS FLASH!
I'm not a stripper nor am I ok pretending to be one.
And, I'm not a lesbian or ok making out with girls! Not even on stage.
So do tell me where I fit in "Rent"?
Anyhow.
I spent quite a few days pissed and then my Spring Break was great! And then last night I was pissed again.
I was thinking back about my conversation with Peter, and realized that I had "people-pleased" my way through it, saying I 'understood' why he had to cast an educational way and that I 'didn't blame him' and that 'it was a hard place to be in'. I said everything that made it sound like I was perfectly ok with his decision. But truth is? I WASN'T! So why was I being my typical self and letting him walk all over me, when he knows perfectly well that that's who I am? I should have made a more convincing argument--should have plead my case. Should have pointed out my uncomfortableness with Rent, should have pointed out that MY senior year is going to be a more classical style of musicals (sine this coming year will be ALL rock-type musicals *cough cough* my forte...). I just spent the day kicking myself for rolling over and giving up instead of fighting for myself.
And then I thought, "maybe Peter thought about it over the weekend and decided to give me the role he knows I deserve..." and "maybe it will actually be my name on the cast list..." even though I knew those chances were slim to none.
Well, today came and I woke uneasy. I planned to check for the cast list between my first and second class because I would see Brittany in my second class and I didn't want to be on bad terms with her. But, I ran into her at South Hall where she informed me that the list wasn't even up yet. So we walked together to class and I realized, talking with her, that I was super excited for her to see that list and see her name on it. I was finally able to really accept that it wasn't going to be. It sucked, it sucked a whole heck of a lot. But it felt really great to finally see her and just know that she's going to rock the HECK out of that show.
After our second class we ran over to South Hall, where sure enough Brittany's name was listed, and I smiled wide at her as she cried and was all excited and I hugged her tight and told her how I had known all week and was soooo excited for her...we laughed and it was...a great moment.
And then those that were there with us started all the congratulations and Hannah pitched in, "everyone I talked to was rooting for you and we all were going to like...picket South Hall if you weren't picked!" and so that was a slap to the face of "gee thanks guys! So glad to know that people like me and that I have friends who would've been excited had it been MY name listed on the board"...and then we walked into Theater Design where Demaree had a freaking come apart and hugged Brittany death and said she was hoping it was her all along and that she was so proud of her and so excited...which really hurt. Because Demaree had been working with me on my audition song and telling me "not to tell Brittany but I really hope it's you"...anyhow. I was not happy.
But class carried on, I came home, and was able to let it go. What's done is done. Brittany is still one of my favorite humans in the whole world, and again--this wasn't anything against her personally. I would've felt the same way if it was any other senior girl and Peter and I had had the same conversation.
**Here's where you should pick up if you skipped the middle negative bit**
So. What did this some-what-horribly-wonderful experience teach me?
Something my high school drama teacher, Mr. Shelley, taught me a few years back.
Find my own measure of success.
He told us (my high school class as we began our region competitive season) that we couldn't base our success on the merits of others. Whether or not we did a good job wasn't to be determined by how many points we received, or medals, or trophies. It didn't matter what other people thought. All that mattered is what WE thought.
And without those moments, this whole "Next to Normal" bit probably would've torn me up inside. But I walked out of my audition, and my callbacks with my head held high. I made my mark. The upperclassmen knew who I was and they knew my talents. I would not be so easily forgotten anymore. And that was something to be proud of. That was my success. I put EVERYTHING I had into this audition process. I worked my butt off, and while it didn't pay off the way I wanted, it was still an incredible experience and SUU is still going to put on an INCREDIBLE production of Next to Normal which I will not miss for the world.
I know this post is mostly negative and it sounds like I hate Peter and hate Brittany and everything, but I really don't. It's been a crazy roller coaster, but I do honestly understand why the show was cast the way it was. I get it. That's just how educational theater is run. Granted I didn't think it would play a role in college. But nevertheless, I understand and I KNOW, without a doubt, that NtoN is going to be incredible.
It's all about finding your measure of success. As long as I am proud of the work I've done; as long as I know it's the best I could do; what else matters?
<3: CourtneyRae<3
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