Plunging Back Into Real Life

Well I'm back! 

It's been a while no? 

Well, I got back from Page, Arizona and started school the following day. It was insane. Trying to unpack and organize our new apartment at the same time while trying to fix my school schedule and catching up with friends...Not to mention that rehearsals for Hamlet started almost simultaneously. 

Hamlet was an incredible experience! I was part of the last night show that will ever take place on the Adams Memorial Shakespeare Theatre and that is a pretty fantastic thing. Peter Sham, the director, had this cool idea to "gender swap" the show once he saw in rehearsals just how many talented senior girls there are. So Hamlet, Horatio, Claudius, Laertes, Fortinbras, Marcellous, Bernardo, and Francisco were all females and Ophelia and Gertrude we men. Most of the other roles were the same as they usually are though. 

Anyhow. 

We created this matriarchal society where the women didn't act manly, but were vikings and warriors. It was a really cool experience. 

I was added to the cast at the end of last year (I hadn't auditioned) and I had felt like they added me to the cast because they felt bad I hadn't been cast in Next to Normal. But I said thank you and then waited all summer for the script. I was cast as Francisco, a Denmark Soldier; A Player; and one of Fortinbras' soldiers at the very end. I had 4 complete hair, costume, and makeup changes because I went from Francisco to the Player back to Francisco then to Fortinbras' soldier. It was insane! But sooooo fun=] 

The other really cool thing that we did in our performance was the play within the play. Usually that scene is just kinda small and "oh look that person is poisoning the king (in our case queen)" but Peter decided that he wanted to make it a mini rock musical. It was so cool! It was the first time I had the chance to really sing in front of an audience at SUU. I got to belt and mix and sing really high notes and then once the play was over and the queen said "give me some lights! Away!" everyone shouted "lights" and we all ran off stage and all the lights came up and that was the end of Act1. It would be silent for a moment, and then the audience would erupt in screams and applause. It was such an adrenaline rush and I loved every moment of that show. 

Since I got back, I have done one whole show, and auditioned for 4: Utah Shakespeare Festival, SUU's Toyland, SUU's You Can't Take it With You (hereafter reffered to as: YCTIWY), and SUU's Rent. 

I was cast in Toyland (which is a Peter and Kirsten Sham original) as the Mom. Which, "yay I was cast in a musical!" but like...really this show seems so strange and I'm hardly in it at all so...victory but not exactly. 

USF went ok. I had a major cold and cold hardly sing and so I felt like I did a poor job. But Melinda Vaughn had told me that I would be on e of the strongest voices in not THEE strongest voice that they heard from the students that auditioned. So I felt like I kind of let her down. 

YCTIWY and Rent were these last two days. I auditioned for both and I walked out of that audition copmletely satisfied and happy with the audition I gave. I sang 16 measures of "Dogfight" from Dogfight and a monologue from a play called Beau Jest. It went great! 

The next morning the callbacks came out. I didn't get called back for YCTIWY but I did get called back for Rent. I was stoked.

We had the dance callbacks first. Which, I know I'm not a great dancer but I try really hard and I'm about average. After that all 50 of us went back up campus to the black box to start the singing portion of it all. 

The first thing Melinda (the director to be) had us do was sing a part of "Seasons of Love" as a group. Then we all went out and practiced and she told us to do whatever we wanted, to riff and wail like crazy. But she warned us that she was looking for proper placement above everything. Then we went back into the room in small groups, sang it all together the way it was written, and then we sang it one at a time with our own flavor and spin to it. 

What ended up coming out of my voice was not what I had planned or practiced and I messed up the timing at the end. So it wasn't great. But after everyone had gone they started to split us up to sing for characters. 

The first side that I was given was for the mom, singing the little bit that she leaves on the answering machine. Honestly my first thought was, "if they cast me as a mom in another musical I'm going to be pissed". This was my show. I was meant to be in Rent. That is my voice style that was my strong suit, I hadn't been cast as a lead in anything and this was supposed to be my show. 

A few minutes later as we're all standing in line to sing it one by one, I'm handed a side for Mimi. Not a character I thought I'd play, but I wasn't going to complain. Then, I went in and sang the mom bit, messed up a note and took the time to correct it, and walked out. 

After that they focused on the guys for a long time. We all sort of sat around and practiced our sides. A handful of my friends that are part of Next to Normal were supposed to have rehearsal that night but callbacks were going long and eventually the stage manager stomped through the door, said something to Melinda, then stomped back out and told all the NtoN cast that they were released and needed to go to rehearsal. Which was outrageous because it jipped them of opportunities and Melinda of hearing more of them. I was really mad and upset for them but sort of thinking, "you are in NtoN. You're in the other rock musical. You shouldn't be cast in both". Which I felt bad for but it's the truth. 

About 30-45 minutes passed, I run to the bathroom for a minute and when I come back, they've handed out new Mimi sides, her main solo to be exact. But when I came back upstairs and looked right at the assistant director, he didn't hand me anything. Which I knew was a bad sign. And maybe I should've said something. But I wasn't going to "be that guy" that asks "where's mine? shouldn't I have one?" ya know? Well, another 10 minutes go by and they hand out some more sides, none of which I get. And then the AD comes out and says, "If I don't read your name you are free to go" and then he reads of about 10 names. None of which were mine. My heart broke. I wanted to ask him "are you sure? Melinda isn't going to hear me sing for any of the characters? are you sure?" but he just said "thank you everyone for coming tonight" and I left.

I was furious. 
Melinda Vaughn was going to tell me that I was one of if not the best voice USF was going to hear but then she wasn't going to even give me a chance to sing for her? She had kept me there all night, keeping me through the first cut so "obviously" she wanted to hear more from me but then she didn't give me the chance? What was that all  about? 

I went home just bawling. When I left, Tammi (who I'd been talking with about Rent, and how we felt about who should be cast, for the last 2 ish weeks) came over and hugged me and told me she loved me and I about broke and started crying then. But instead I just turned the radio up really loud and cried on the way home. I walked past Kollin up to our bedroom without saying anything really and he came up and asked me what was wrong and I just fell apart in his arms. I was so mad. I'm still mad to be honest. I slept restlessly that night and woke up with a nasty crick in my neck after dreaming about floating cast lists. 

The most frustrating part of the whole thing, is that there were only 4 girls asked to stay. 2 of them were BFA juniors that I really wanted to get cast because they haven't had leads in anything either and are in my same boat of having been jipped thus far of roles we should've got, but the other 2? One of them was a girl who is horrible to work with because she is terrible to people and the other was a lower class man. I should've been in that group. I should've. It should be me, a musical theatre BFA, and the other 2 BFA's getting cast in this show. But my chances were slime to none. 

I'm pissed.
This year was supposed to be my year. I should've been in Next to Normal, but no. Peter said he had to cast the "educational theatre Natalie" and that he couldn't cast me, "the professional theatre Natalie" and then he turned around and told the complete opposite to one of my dear friends who was up for the Dad and now plays the Doctors. He told me that he "Brittany was a senior so she was going to get the role over me because I'm a junior". He reassured and reassured me that I would be cast in Rent. And maybe if he had been there I would've stayed. Maybe I just wasn't risky enough. Maybe my placement wasn't as spot on as it can be. I don't know. That's all I could think about that night: what I could've, should've done differently. 

The next morning, Friday morning, I worked in the office*, anxiously awaiting the cast list. Then at 10:30 Andrew came in to cover for me while I ran to costume construction. 

Class passed slowly and then, half way through, Tammi got really excited. The cast list had been sent out. She sent it to me and I read over it. I was in the ensemble. Tammi was cast as Mimi and Jordyn was Maureen and a name I didn't recognize was Joanne. I was really disappointed. 

Kade, who is assistant directing, was sitting next to me and nudged me and his face was smiling wide and was asking if I was excited. I shook my head and told him I wasn't happy about it at all. He nodded and said he understood and that he wanted to talk for a bit after class. 

So class ends early and I hug Tammi and ask who the girl is that I don't recognize and she tells me that she is a freshman. 

A freshman. 
And my hate-fire exploded. 

Kade walks with me out to my car. All the while I'm crying and explaining how upset I am that a freshman has been cast. Explaining that she still has 4+ years at SUU and that her chances of being cast as a lead in a rock musical are still really high because SUU will most likely do another handful of them. But mine? I'm only going to be here for another year-year and a half and what are the odds of doing another rock musical season? Slim to none. 

Kade told me that I was completely justified in what I was feeling. He told me to accept it all and let myself feel it. He told me not to smother it because that wouldn't do any good. He told me that I was crazy talented. He told me that not being cast had nothing to do with my talents and abilities. 

I told him that I had been so sure of where and how I fit into our department with the talents and abilities that I have and now it feels like everything has shattered beneath me and I am unsure of everything now. I'm surrounded by professors who are so kind and work so hard with me and compliment me and tell me I"m so talented and that I'll have work outside of school and that I'll have countless opportunities but when they have the opportunity to cast me and to work with me they don't take it. They shy away from it and then cast me ins something random like Toyland or the ensemble of Hamlet to make me feel better about not being cast as a lead in anything. 

I told him that I knew I probably didn't "bring it" as much as I should have. I told him that I knew I probably could've taken bigger risk and that I could understand that. 

Kade told me that he could lie to anyone else, that he would lie to anyone else, but not to me. He told me that I did bring it. He told me that my audition was soooo spot on. He told me that I sounded so good and that there was literally nothing else I could've done. He told me that I was being seriously considered but in the end I just didn't fit and that it was nothing personal. 

And the girl that was cast is talented. There is NO denying that she is. She looks the part, she is fierce, she will do incredible. I know she will. 

But still.

Right before Kade left and I got in my car, he told me that he knew I was going to pick myself up; that I was going to get past this and that I was going to do incredible things even if I didn't know it yet. He told me to turn my emotions into passion, to let them fuel my desire to be better. He told me to take my hate-fire and let it drive me forward; that we are artists and that that's what we do. we take our angers and frustrations and disappointments and let them fuel our work; that we get by and grow and get better. 

It was refreshing to be honest. But I still felt the anger bubbling inside me. I didn't know how to get past it. All I knew was that my year to be a lead in a musical just passed me by and I was furious.

That night when Kollin got back from work my anger sort of leaked out all over him and I felt horrible. But we went on a date-something we hadn't done in a long time since I had been so busy with rehearsals and shows and would continue to be so for the rest of this year and next semester...so we went to Staheli corn maize in St. George with our best friend Steve and his girlfriend EmmaLee. 

It was so good to bet out of the house. It truly was. We laughed and got rained on and enjoyed the night. The three of them went through the haunted corn maize after all of us walked through the regular one. Then we went through the petting zoo and I just felt a weight lift from my shoulders. 

I was still angry. 
I am still angry. I'm still upset. But I think more than anything I just want to talk to Melinda about what I could've done or about what I can do to work harder and be better. 

I emailed her and asked if we could meet after Fall Break on like Wednesday and I haven't heard back from her yet, but I'm not feeling quite so terrible about it. I just want to know why ya know? Besides, it's not her fault that Peter plays games and strings us all along. It's not her fault that she actually casts shows and gives the roles to those who will best fulfill them and Peter gives it to whoever he wants and plays the "educational theatre" card whenever it suits him best. It's not her fault. 

I can honestly say that I am SOOO excited to be a part of this show, to work with everyone. I truly am. It's going to be hard. Just like being a body double for NtoN is hard. But with Rent I am going to work harder than I have ever worked in my whole lie. I am going to perfect my Mix Voice placement and find my inner fierce-ness and find the woman in me. I'm going to do it. 

I am going to be the strongest ensemble member that anyone has ever seen. 

Just watch me. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

You Can Go Anywhere From Page

Wow it has been forever...

I've been here in Page, Arizona for 2 months now (hard to believe)and it has been quite a journey and learning experience. 

When I first got here, we had an "opening social" so to speak, and read through each of the shows and just talked briefly about each one and what we thought and OH!! I guess I should say: we are doing Oklahoma!  and Heart of the West (an original short musical written by Nate about some of the people around during the time of the discovery and exploration of the Colorado river and John Wesley Powell). Anyhow, we got talking with Nate Marble(the director)'s father and he said something that I thought was very profound. He said, "You can go anywhere from Page". Let me give you context. 

He was telling us how Page is sort of on the edge of trying to decide what it wants to be: a rural-ish town or a touristy town. But it's in such a unique place because it is surrounded by the beauty of the world and things to do. Like raft down the river or drive to Bryce or Zions or the Coral Pink Sand Dunes: it's just surrounded by adventures. 

And to add to that, Nate was telling us how he wants the Playhouse to be a jumping off point for people. He wants it to be a place where people can learn more and grow more and then carry on to bigger and better things. 

So if you put the two together, that's what hit me so hard: I can go anywhere from Page. 

Page is surrounded by opportunity on all sides and this is my jumping off point. There are incredible things ahead of me. Incredible opportunities and who even knows what the future brings? WHO EVEN KNOWS! =] But this is how it starts isn't it? I may not have constant and consistent work, and it's a rough road full of mostly set backs and disappointments, but these experiences are the ones I have to hold on to. Aren't they? 

YES! They are.

So hold on to them I will. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

The Journey So Far

Just and FYI: the main purpose behind this blog was for a class. My Musical Theater Professor, Melinda Vaughn, assigned us to create a blog and journal about our theatrical experiences during the time that we were in her class. But as I've continued to write, I've decided that I'm going to keep up this blog for...hopefully ever. To keep a record of all my experiences and lessons I've learned.  Just thought I'd explain ;)


So. Here we are at the end of the semester. My last blog post for credit for my class. I've read back on my posts and there's a lot of negativity and frustration and stress. Sure I always tried to find a way to twist it in a positive way and record what I learned and how it applied to my life, but still--that's a lot of negative thoughts to have in one semester.

Melinda reads our posts on Sundays, which is usually when I write so we sort of play "catch up". She read my post about finding my own measure of success and Next to Normal Auditions and such and she sent me this email:


"Courtney, 
    
    I must have read the blogs last just before as you posted because I hadn't seen your last post until this afternoon. I want to echo Mr. Shelley in the advice to decide on your own measure of success. NtoN is a distraction. Casting in college is a distraction. Casting in life is a distraction--I wish I could tell you it changes when you graduate, but it is just new and newer versions of the same old thing. 
    But, I challenge you to sit down before you go to bed, and make a list of all of YOUR accomplishments this year...and i could go on and on in just the few things I have seen. To hell with what people have said to you. I want you to put your head on your pillow sometime in the next few nights, feeling at peace that where you decide you have grown and succeeded, nobody can rob you of that. Take in your life as a whole--not just the work, because I want you to consider that it is the whole that counts
     I love your candor in these blogs. No need to sensor yourself for me. Keep working out those thoughts and feelings, and let yourself think and feel them so you can find a place for them. If it is worth anything to you, not that it should anymore than the negative comments, you ARE growing. You DO have something very special, and it is not only your voice, and I want you to block out the noise so you can continue growing. 
              Be Well, 
               Melinda"

I read this email and it brought me to tears. I felt like she had somehow read my inner-mind and found every word ot calm my fears and doubts. It was incredible. But I didn't write about my success or personal victory's or growth then because the year wasn't over. But here we are, and I thinkg it is WAAAAAAY passed time to write about the positive moments and lessons I learned from this semester. 

This semester was unexpected. I learned that I am not solidly confident in all of my talents and abilities. I learned that I still rely on what other people think. I used to be really good at shutting everyone out and just listening to my heart and what I thought. But this semester that wasn't good enough for me. In the beginning it was. But then Next to Normal auditions happened and that was a rude awakening. I came from a high school performing experience where I was always a lead. I always had lines and I always had solos and I was always cast in one way or another in every show. That was what I did. And then I came to college and didn't get into anything until I made ensemble for Fiddler and was humbled and reminded that every character of a story is just as important as the leads are. I found beauty in the ensemble of the department or a time but I longed for so much more. I could feel my potential and my dreams boiling up inside me, waiting to break out; waiting to be free. But I just never took nor received the opporunities to share them how I wanted. And the NtoN came about and I felt that for sure I would get the chance. Peter told me to my face that I was his dream "Natalie". And then he told me that he was casting someone else and that shattered my whole universe and from there I sort of just slid and kept sliding. It was hard to find the motivation to keep going and keep trying because I felt that during the time of my life I should be getting the most feedback, help, and opportunities, I just wasn't getting them. I began to question if I was in the right field and doing the right thing. I worried that I was becoming "just a pretty voice"; that my acting sucked and that my dancing would never get better. I was afraid of failure and I was afraid of everything. I was trying to find myself and discover who I was as an actress and performer and wife and human being. I'm 20 years old and I don't have it all together yet. SURPRISE!! ha. as if that surprised anyone. I felt like a complete outsider and unwelcome outside of classes and school functions; felt completely alone and small and insignificant and just...everything a 20 year old woman goes through while trying to find herself. 

And then the semester ended and I've been able to look back and remember the positive moments and exciting moments and all the things that I have learned this semester.

I learned that I don't just want to be a high school teacher. I learned that I am talented and that I do have the potential to perform on stage and teach college students and raise a family--it's all out there just waiting for the taking. And I learned that if that's what I want, all I have to do is reach out and take it. 

I learned that I don't have to have it all together yet. My dad kindly reminded me that no 20 year old, newly married anyone has it all together. I don't have to know how to balance school AND work AND married life AND being 20 AND theatre all at the same time yet. IT'S OK!!=]

I put myself out there and auditioned for every summer stock opportunity I could, even though I was terrified I wasn't good enough and that no one would want me, and I learned that there is always something to learn from an audition experience. And someone outside SUU saw my performance and saw my potential and wated to work with me. AND I crushed a dance audition!! I made it through the elimination round and I was able to hold my head up high and feel confident in the work I had laid out on the floor. SUCK IT! hahaha I may not be a brilliant dancer yet, but there is a dancer in this soul and she is finding her feet more and more every day=] 

I learned how to deconstruct and find meaning in a song. It opened so many doors and avenues as to how to deal with characters and make choices. 

I discovered that I suck at letting people in and that it shows through in my acting. I am afraid to be vulnerable and yet it is something that I strive for with every performance. 

I learned that there is a woman inside me who is proud of who she is and what she does; a woman that can accept her body and isn't embarrassed about making it move; a woman that is longing to come out and show the world what she is made of; a woman who is being hidden by a little girl who lost her confidence. 

I learned a lot about the sort of person I want to be in the wolrd of theatre. I saw the true colors of some of the people I respect the very most and vowed to never be that way and talk about people like that. 

I auditioned for my dream role and gave it every ounce of strength and courage I had. I showed the upper classman that I am not just some invisible sophomore. I showed them that I EARNED my way into the BFA just like everyone else had to and that just because I was a freshman when I did didn't mean anything. I provved to them that I have a voice and a presence to be reckoned with. I walked out of my audition and callback with my head held high, knowing that I did everything I could've possibly done. 

I learned that there are countless opportunities to perform and that the only reason I felt I wasn't getting them was because I'm not taking them. I've now made a promise to myself to audition for everything; to participate in every SUU live next year and the years to come. 

I learned the pains of saying goodbye to dear friends who are graduating and moving on. 

I learned what real progress looks and sounds like. 

I learned 3--COUNT 'EM!!: 3!-- difficult dance routines and didn't suck that bad. I actually got better. Things actually clicked for me. 

I broke down twice in front of my voice instructor and learned that it's ok to admit you've bitten off more than you can chew. 

I have learned that the stakes can always be higher and that more often than not you just have to "light a fire under your ass".

I learned that I can't sing some vowels and that all I have to do is modulate them to find that sweet spot. 

I learned how to more deeply love my husband while going through job loss and ER visits and pregnancy scares.

I've learned that I can be vulnerable I just have to be willing to go there; I just have to trust my fellow students. I HAVE to learn to trust them with myself and the broken, uncertain, and doubting pieces of who I am. 

I learned that my professors don't think I'm "just a pretty voice". They see my potential and want to help give me opportunities to help me find the woman within. 

I learned the true meaning behind the phrase "you are always auditioning" as I was told at my BFA jury that they wanted to add me into Hamlet this fall. They told me that I carry myself extremely well and my voice is progressing and when I read in class I have a presence but when I act I get super nervous and fall into "little-girl" habits. But because of the other things I'm good at I somehow earned my way into Hamlet.  

I leanred not to take myself so seriously. As long as my passion is in the right place I can do anything. But I've got to open my eyes and enjoy the ride. 

I have learned so much this semester and I consider every one of these lessons and accomplishment. I have so much more to learn and apply and I'm really excited. 

I'm spending the summer performing in Page, AZ. I'M GETTING PAID TO DO WHAT I LOVE!!! How does this happen?! Who gets to do that?! Am I scared out of my mind?? You better believe it. I've never been in 2 shows at once and had to learn everything and put on a show in 4 weeks. I'm scared to high heavens. But you know something else I learned/was reminded of this semester?? I can memorize lines really fast when I need/need to. It's super handy, let me tell ya. 

This summer is going to be really hard for a lot of reasons, mostly including the fact that I'll be moving out for the next 4 months and be away from Kollin. I knew it would come to this and that this is the life we signed up for but it's still hard and surreal. I haven't started packing yet because of that and I leave this wednesday--2 days! HA! 

Now i'm just rambling because I don't really want to say "goodbye" for the semester. It won't really be a goodbye--I'm going to keep writing about what I'm learning and I hope you'll keep reading all about what i"m learning on this incredible journey. I have chosen the journey of a life-time an there is nothing I want to do more than to tell the raw stories of humanity. 

If there is anything I have re-learned this semester it is this:
  "Let your willingness to be great overcome your fear of failure"

Thank you Melinda, for everything this semester. There are not enough words to express my gratitude for all that you have taught me this semester. I truly hope I get the opportunity to work with you again and wish you many a broken leg this summer! =]

To everyone else out there who has been reading and following me on my journey remember to

<3: CourtneyRae<3

The Ensembles of the Department

Tonight I was able to go and watch some crazy talented people perform in the BFA showcase. It was a little bitter sweet sitting in the audience when I wished I could've been on stage with all of them. But at the end of the night I was ecstatic that I had been able to be in the audience. To see how each and every one of them has progressed this year and grown is amazing. The talent in this department just blows my mind. I am continuously humbled and blown away. 


This department of SUU's is made up of the most talented people I've met. It's truly humbling to work with them all. But at the same time it is overwhelmingly obnoxious at times. The reason being that the same handful of people get recognized and praised. And please don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying they don't deserve it. They are incredible and they work hard just like everyone else. 

But there are those who are working harder and overcoming challenges that others aren't facing and they are fading into the background; unnoticed. For example:

In my dance for musical theater class are 4 of these crazy talented people that always get praised and recognized. They are extremely talented and humble about it. But in that class are a lot of other people that are working their butts off and no one seems to care. When we split into groups and perform for each other, those same 4 are always pointed out. But I watch those that aren't. And they are amazing. I have seen people grow in more ways than I can count this semester and I wish that someone else could see it. 

There's Amber and Brooklyn. Both of them doubt themselves harshly. They tend to shake their heads and give up early. At least they did towards the beginning of the semester. But now? Here at the end? They have grown so much and I have seen their confidence grow with them. They smile more and they laugh and they're able to perform at a higher caliber than they could when the semester began. In our musical theater class Amber could hardly get through her first song without crying. She told us that she really hates singing and that it's really hard for her. But then, just last week, she sang her final performance of her singers choice piece and it was like a whole new girl had stepped onto that stage. 

There's Carly and Brittany and Hannah. The 3 of them are goofballs and I love them all. They bring so much character into their dancing and even if they mess up, they smile and shrug it off and pick right back off as if nothing happened. Not many can do that. 

There's Elisa. She is fearless. She commits so readily to the material given to her. She dives right in without worrying what other people will think or say. She's brilliant and funny and kind hearted. 

There's Madeline. She's fierce and she doesn't know the word "can't". She puts everything she has into what she's doing and while she says "it doesn't look pretty but it'll do" she never stops trying and improving. 

There's Jordan. He is a crazy talented dancer. He makes these little faces when he dances, their perfectly matched character wise, and it just takes his dancing that much higher. He is sharp and on point and learns quickly. 

There's Tom. The crazy Australian. Sometimes it seems like he isn't trying and that he doesn't care. But he does. He works really hard and when he really puts his mind to it, his singing and his dancing is beautiful. 

There's Lazaar. The-ginger-who-played-Lazaar-Wolf-in-Fiddler-who's-name-suddenly-erased-itself-from-my-brain. He's tall, very tall. And you wouldn't think that he can move as nimbly as someone of a slightly shorter stature, but he is quick. He is on top of what he's doing and he attacks it with strength and pizazz.   

There's Brooke. She's a dancer at heart who decided to check out what the musical theater side of life was all about. She puts up with our craziness and she blends right in. She is talented and hits every line beautifully. Just as you would expect a dancer to do. 

Then there's Alec, Luke, Tami and Tiffany. They are flawless and talented and spunky and noticed. Those 4 are the 4 that are always mentioned and praised. 

But what about the others? I watch them. I watch them intently and I notice their progress. Why? So I can write things like this post--so I can single them out and tell them that their hard work is paying off even when it seems they're getting brushed aside and forgotten about. And maybe it's because I feel that way sometimes that I purposefully watch out for those who aren't recognized; for those who are putting all their heart and soul into something but still getting shoved aside. 

YOU ARE TALENTED!! Your hard work is paying off. You have what it takes. It's not for nothing. 

I wish I could tell them that. I wish they could know. 

And they aren't the only ones. I know they aren't. There are dozens of people in the department that don't get thought of. They are fighting tooth and nail for opportunities and chances but no matter what they do they aren't given the chance. This department is made up of a handful of "leads"; that handful of people who are always cast in shows and recognized for their hard work. But this department is made up of more than its leads. It's made up of its ensemble. A crazy talented ensemble working their butts of trying to make a name for themselves; trying so hard to prove to everyone around them that they are just as talented and deserve just as much recognition and opportunities. And yes, I am one of them. I am fighting tooth and nail for my chance; for my turn in the spot light. And yes, every time it's within my grasp it feels as if something turns it off. And an opportunity is missed out on.

But there are more than just a handful of talented people in this department. And being a part of my musical theater performance class has shown me that more than anything else. In that class are the "leads" and the "ensemble members" of this department and I've got to spend a semester watching each and every one of them struggle through something difficult and overcome it. 

And I couldn't be more proud. 

This semester taught me so much about what it truly means to be a "lead". Being a "lead" in this business is more than just raw talent. It is hard work and late nights and long hours. It is vulnerability and a little presentational. It is going to the dark places and being the people we aren't used to being. It is telling a story in the most honest way we know how. It is never giving up and never letting "I'm not good enough" become a part of your vocabulary. It is taking constructive critisism and applying it. It is taking the highs as well as the lows. It is tears and sleepless nights and countless auditions. It is more than just a performance, it is a way of life. 

And I choose to make it MY life. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

NoNameThoughts

This semester had such potential when it began. I was prepared for the challenges of taking dance classes and the pain and discomfort it would bring. I was prepared to sing in front of all the people I looked up to and admired. I was ready to put my best foot forward and finally break through--finally be recognized...finally given the chance to shine and make a difference. If not in someone else's life, then certainly in my own. 

I rented out the tap studio for 2 hours every morning. I was going to dance until my legs fell off. 

I scheduled a practice room in the music building--3 different rooms all for different times. I was going to sing until the voice inside me finally came out. 

I was going to improve the most this semester. I wanted people to see me and finally know that I was there. To finally SEE me for who I really am and what I'm really capable of. I didn't want the praise--that's never been what this is about. I am just sick and tired of being in the background; being a second thought. I wanted to break free of the ensemble of the department and finally be who I really am. I just wanted one person--ONE PERSON--to look at me and say something about how hard I've been working. 

But. 

Then the semester began and staying up late with my husband became more important than going to bed early. And sleep became more important than getting up early to practice in the tap studio; became more important than getting to my early morning class 100% of the time. Spending time with my husband watching Netflix and going out with our friends became more important than studying. I couldn't quite figure out the balance this semester. And sure, some people might look at me and laugh and say that I've only been married 6 months and there's no way I can be expected to have it all figured out yet. And ya. I guess that's true. Getting married and suddenly having to figure out your life with another person is overwhelming and humbling and amazing and crazy hard sometimes. 

But. 

I kept telling myself that I was going to be different. That I was going to stay organized and motivated and stay focused on school and not let my married life throw me off track. 

And then the semester was half way over and I had stopped getting up early and stopped using my practice room. My hips got worse and for a while I had to sit out during my musical theater dance class and I fell way behind. I got super down on myself and super frustrated and my progress came to a grinding halt. Everyone was excelling all around me and I just wasn't. and it pissed me off. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what else I COULD do. I worked really hard in class and I memorized the movement as quickly as I could. But I felt so alienated and alone in my classes that I just didn't know where to turn. 

I put everything I had into my dance classes and into my musical theater performance class. I worked my butt of this semester. But it hasn't paid off the way I hoped it would. 

And then, because that's how karma works, everything sort of came crashing down around me. I felt that I wasn't good at anything: dancing, singing, acting, putting myself together in the morning, keeping a clean house, loving my husband, talking to my mom, auditions, work...you name it I felt I wasn't good at it. 

And because of that, I got lazy. I procrastinated work things and I procrastinated things at home and I'm still procrastinating memorizing my lines for Lake Powell Playhouse this summer. 

PAUSE
I'm in 2 shows this summer. Awesome right? Right! Ish. How on Earth do you do that many runs of a show--of more than one show at the same time--without losing your mind or messing up your words and lyrics? how do you do that?!?! I'm terrified. I'm scared out of my mind that I'm not good enough. That I've picked the wrong field. That I'm just one of those girls who thinks she can change the world by going to those hard places and being those characters and telling the stories that deserve to be told. And I know...I KNOW! I'm in the BFA program for a reason. I got cast for a reason at LPPH. I get that. I do. But how do you fight these kinds of fears? They aren't the kind that someone can reassure for you. You can't find this kind of gratification through other people. I mean sure, it helps when other people see your work and they understand and they feel with you and they tell you how your performance touched them in some way. Of course that helps. But at the end of the day, when you're not in a show; when you aren't cast for that dream role; when you're not growing and succeeding like you hoped you would; when you get discouraged and start doubting...how is anyone supposed to fight that? How do you calm those kinds of demons?
PLAY

All of my insecurities reared their ugly heads this semester and I haven't told anyone about them. Not really. I've tried to write about a few of them here but not all of them are theater related so I haven't written about them. 

But it's to the point where I can't really keep it all inside anymore and it's tiring me out trying to keep all of this under control and still function at the same time. I've been drowning out all my doubts and fears by numbing my mind to it all. I've been procrastinating so that I don't have to face my demons. I've been wasting my time watching hours of Netflix  because I am afraid of failing. 

This semester I became afraid of failing. 

Which basically means I've gone against everything I told myself and I've let everything get inside my head and I've let go of my mantra. That's the whole point of this blog; of this whole freaking journey:

"Let your willingness to be great overcome your fear of failure." 

That's the point to all of this. It always has been. And this semester I failed. I failed while I was holding back trying not to fail. And I'm really upset about that. I tried so hard and I worked so hard and I threw my whole self into everything I did this semester. But at the end of it all, I look back and all I see is myself giving into the uncertainty and the fear and holding back. 

And that really sucks. 

<3:CourtneyRae<3

Still Home?

Thursday was one of those somewhat horrible days that left me wondering if the theater world is still where I belong.

My final for Musical Theater was Thursday. Our final was to perform a scene to song, instead of just a song. My partner was Elisa Black and it took us forever to find something. 

We eventually decided to do "Some Things Are Meant to Be" from Little Women. I played Jo and Elisa played Beth. We worked really hard to get our blocking just right and to memorize our wording and the music and everything. I tried to react the way I felt Jo would react in this situation and we tried to paint the picture of one last perfect day. 

After we finished our performance it was sort of quiet for a moment and I thought that we had done a great job. And then everyone gave their comments and they all said that we didn't do enough. That we didn't have high enough stakes. That I wasn't playing Jo the way I should and that Elisa wasn't being Beth right and all this crap. and it was so disappointing. Because I realized that we had got so caught up in the blocking of it all that we hadn't taken the time to sit down together and talk about this situation and our characters. I thought we had done our homework. I thought that I had portrayed Jo as a character that was refusing to believe her sister was going to die so she continued to push the thought away and paint this perfect picture on this last perfect day. But it didn't come across that way because I was too subtle about it. 

Elisa and I should've talked more about our characters and what we wanted from the scene. We should have done the paperwork even though it wasn't assigned. It would've helped. 

But aside from that, it just hit me really hard that while I thought we were being true to the scene and the characters it didn't come across. And I was really bummed out about that. Especially because that was the only shot we were gonna get. That was it. The end. That was our final. 

This whole semester I've tried to give performances that I would be proud of. I've tried to "find my own measure of success". I've put everything into my performances and just tried my hardest to do my best to walk away from them with my head held high being proud of the work I had done and the product that had resulted from the work. 

But I walked away from that performance wondering what I was doing and wondering what had gone wrong and wondering why I hadn't thought of and fixed those things that had been brought up. They were so obvious--such beginner advice and critiques--that I face palmed and just thought "duh Courtney. How did you not think of that. You should have seen that and thought of that. You are not a beginner anymore..." etc etc. 

I was not very happy. 

I appreciated what they had to say, and everything that was said about raising the stakes and giving in to the "presentations" side of theater (Melinda had made a comment about how there is nothing truly "real" about theater because all we are doing is telling stories. Which I found extremely profound actually) was all spot on. They were exactly right. 

I just wondered why I hadn't asked myself those questions already. I mean, I thought I did. But they didn't come across. And I didn't really know why. 

And at the end of the day, I just had to wonder if I was still doing the right thing and going the right direction and if theater was still my home. 

I know it is. There's no doubt about that. 

But I can't help but doubt and wonder sometimes ya know?

<3: CourtneyRae<3

The Struggle is Real

I have a bad habit of starting an entry and then taking forever to post it...my apologies. 

I've been taking voice lessons for 2 semesters now. I've learned a BAGILLION and one things since starting my lessons. But one of the most important things I've learned is how to connect to my breath support, and I mean really support. Better than I ever have before. 

The other most important thing I'm learning, is to be patient with my talents. So often I hear my voice during my voice lessons and I do not like what I hear. It sounds shallow and weak which is completely opposite from what I'm used to. I'm used to hearing a strong sound that is full and beautiful to be honest. But ever since I've been messing with my voice and learning more about classical singing and mixing etc etc, everything has just sounded and felt different. It doesn't hurt, and it doesn't sound bad. It's just different. 

But here's the struggle. 

When I'm singing and things aren't sounding right, I can hear in my head how it COULD sound. I can hear the potential that lies within, but it's just barely out of reach. I can see it but can't touch it so to speak. 

Which means I get really frustrated quite easily these days when it comes to my voice. I forget that I still sound good and that I'm still growing and learning and maturing and Shannon Birch (my vocal instructor) has to remind me all over again that it's ok and that I'm doing everything right and that I need to be patient.

Some days are better than others and I catch a glimpse of the voice that's trying to dig its way out. And those days are incredible and that voice is so crazy talented that I'm humbled by it. I just wish it could stick around a little longer. I'll be singing and I can feel it edging through. It stays for a few moments and then I lose it. 

But I know it's in there! The struggle may be real, but it will be completely worth it when all my hard work and practice pays off. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

SummerStock

Summer Stock. The craziest few weeks of my life. 

Auditioning for summer theater companies was my first taste of the real world. You walk into an audition where they don't know you and you sing your heart out and pray that they heard something unique and ask you for a callback. It's nerve wracking. 

I auditioned for 3 different companies. Pickleville Playhouse located in Bear Lake; Lake Powell Playhouse located in Lake Powell; and The Neil Simon Festival located in Cedar City. Each gave me a new and different experience and taste for theater outside of school. 

Pickleville held callbacks and dance callbacks. They had everyone that had been called back come into the tap studio where they taught us a short snipet of dance. I was very nervous because I hadn't had an actual experience with a dance callback and my dancing is not my strong point. And, especially after my latest conversation with Peter I was not feeling too confident in anything I was doing at that point. 

But I gave it my all and did my best to pick up on the movements quickly. I had fun and it didn't even hurt that much. Which is always cause for bonus points in my book ;). After everyone learned it, they had us perform it in groups of 3, after which we all went out to the lobby to await their decision. 

The directors came out and read off all the names of the people they wanted to stay and read and my name was one of them! You should have seen me inside my head. I was quite literally jumping for joy shouting "in your face!!" to and at anyone and everyone who had ever told me that my dancing wasn't going to amount to anything. Mostly I was just yelling at myself and telling myself to stop being so hard on myself. It was such a glorious feeling that I cannot even begin to describe. 

The cold reads went on for another hour and a half but when they were over, it was over. We all walked out of there smiling and talking about the experience and the characters and about how fun it would be to be apart of "The Drowsy Chaperone". 

The Neil Simon Festival audition and callback experience was very interesting. Richard Bugg was/is the main director/casting director etc and he is the one who held the auditions. Which were suuuuper unorganized. I was honestly disappointed. I was expecting them to be more professional and put together, but it all sort of got thrown together at the last minute. Needless to say, it was an interesting experience. 

When I auditioned, Bugg seemed impressed and asked me a bunch of questions about housing situations and how wide my range was and if I lived in Cedar etc. So I thought that was a good sign. When callbacks came around he had me read for one show which he said I did well. 

I missed Lake Powell auditions all together because I didn't know about them until the day right before and I didn't have anything prepared in a western accent that I could do well. So i didn't worry about it. But then Peter told me that I should audition and pulled some strings and put me in touch with the director, Nate Marble, and Kollin and I drove down and back one Saturday evening so I could audition. 


Each of these auditioning processes was unique and I was holding my breath for an offer to work for any of them (except Lake Powell because after visiting Page, Arizona, I felt it was super ghetto and a tiny place). The only issue was that I'm going to be gone the first week of May, celebrating my mother-in-laws recovery from cancer, in Florida. So I was super worried no one would be willing to work with me. I was also super worried because I had somehow gotten it into my head that if I didn't get cast it meant I wasn't good at what I was hoping to spend my life doing (I hadn't been cast by Peter in NtoN and I was worried that Bugg wouldn't cast me and that that would mean that my faculty that was telling me how good I was, wasn't willing to work with me. I know. Stupid. But that was my mental state for a few days). 

Turns out the only offer I received was for Lake Powell Playhouse. At first I was super bummed because I didn't want to be in Page and I didn't want to perform on that tiny stage. But I warmed up to the fact that I was going to be performing over the summer and making money doing what I love! 

Moving out for the summer, moving away from Kollin for the summer is going to suck. There is just no other way of saying it. It's going to be suuuuper sucky and I'm going to hate that factor of it. But it's going to be a GREAT experience and I'm super excited. 


So, what did I learn from all of this??

1.) Don't go on vacations during the rehearsal process because most companies won't try to work with you ;)

2.) Don't play mind games with myself. I need to be confident in what I can do and stop weighing so much of that on other people. 

3.) I CAN dance! Maybe not perfectly, but I can do it. 


I'm super excited for the journey ahead and the experiences to come. This summer is going to be fantastic. 


<3: CourtneyRae<3

Your Own Measure of Success

So I talked to Peter on Friday. I just wanted to know if I made it into Next to Normal, I wanted to know if Peter really wasn't going to post the cast list until after spring break. I found out, but I want to write about the audition and callback process first.

My audition was late evening on Wednesday. I went in there, nervous as I had never been before, but stoked I was finally auditioning for a show that I actually had a shot of being a lead in.  I sang my piece, "Dead Girl Walking" from "Heathers". It wasn't my strongest performance (go figures), but that song sits so perfectly in my range that even when it isn't my best, it still sounds really great. Sounds cocky I know, but it's true. When I ended, Peter had a smile on his face that said, "there she is, there's Courtney". I walked out of that audition with my head held high and confidence in my step.

The next morning I held my breath as I read through the callback and was shocked to see I was called back for both Natalie and Diana. I downloaded the music for the callbacks (that we were asked to have prepared for the callback) and worked my butt off for 4 hours, memorizing every word, every note and rhythm just as it was written on the page.

I showed up to my callback confident in my abilities, but intimidated by Peter's favorites (jordyn, carly, selena...) and I was worried that I no longer had a shot, worried that Peter was just going to play his favorites "like usual".

The callback carried on, I made it through the first round as Diana with Carly and was surprised out of my mind. Then I made it through the Natalie round with Tami, Brittany and Carly. So there we were, the 4 of us girls. As surprised out of my mind--that Brittany had made it that far, and that she had sang the way she had--that I might have been, there we were. 

At the very end of the night, peter had everyone that was left come into the room. There were us 4 girls, and the 6 remaining guys (I think...or 5). Peter had us all line up, as all directors do, and slowly began to swap us out. He had Carly go up there first and she stayed up there the rest of the time. Which pretty much confirmed to me that she will be Diana. I think what happened was that they heard me sing for Natalie and decided I was better fit for her than Diana. So, Carly stayed up there, they sent me up there, then pulled me down and sent Tami up, then Brittany, and then they sent me back up there and had me stand next to Carly. Then they said that was all they needed and they sent us all home, everyone walking out anxious, and me feeling quite confident that I had just landed Natalie--my dream role. 

Friday rolled around and I just couldn't stand to wait until after spring break for the list to go up. So I went to see Peter. He knew why I was there and I could tell it was going to be a rough conversation by the look on his face. 

**Here's where you can skip all the negativity I felt about what happened and just get down to the moral of the story;)**

As our conversation began, Peter told me that I did a great job and that I brought my "a-game". He then went on to say that hands down, if he had his way,if we were in a professional setting, I would be cast as Natalie--I was the obvious choice, no doubt about it. And then he said the words that I have come to hate, "but we're in an education setting". And I knew right then that my chances were out. Why?

Because Brittany will be a senior next year.
And I will be a junior. 

I get it. I get that you have to "play the game" that way...in jr. high and high school sure. But in college? That rule still applies in college? Are you kidding me!? 

Our conversation carried on, and Peter kept saying that they were stuck between a rock and a hard place because of several reasons. This is the gist of what Peter said (not word for word, but paraphrased):

      "There's you. Amazing vocals true. But your acting chops are not quite where I want them to be (exact words), and Carly's are--so she's a better fit for Diana. You are such a perfect fit for Natalie, your voice is so good and you are the obvious choice. But then there's Brittany. She's been working her butt off and she hasn't been in anything yet. She'll be a senior next year and I can't see her doing Rent, and this is her last big chance. She really brought it and I wasn't expecting that from her."

I agreed with him. Brittany had blown me away. I had only heard her quiet little classical voice but she let it all out during callbacks and I knew she was a contender. 

Peter and I continued to talk for another 10 minutes or so. He kept saying that I was the obvious choice, that I was so perfectly fitted to the part, but Brittany would be a senior and she needed something. He kept saying how we were in an educational setting and that it was just how things were. And I would tell him I understood his position and I knew how it worked. Never did he once say who it was that got the part. Not directly. 

But we continued on, following down a different tangent. He told me that I shouldn't take this personally. He told me that I was talented, and that I was going to get work and sweep the competition with my vocals alone. He then mentioned a conversation he had with Kirstin, his wife and my current dance/movementII professor. She was saying how worried she is because my hips are so messed up and I'm going to need them to dance. Peters remark to that was that I'm not going to be in dance-heavy shows. So in other words, this is what I heard that whole conversation: "your acting is not great and neither is your dancing. The only hope you have of getting work is your voice". Ya. that was a GREAT conversation. Really left me feeling awesome. Honestly it left me doubting everything, and made me question if I was in the right field; if I was truly any good; if I had any chance of getting work this summer...but that's another entry for another day.

By the end of our conversation, Peter said that he was so relieved that he could talk that way with me and that I understood and without having to hear him say it, I knew that was his way of telling me that Brittany got the part. And I was not happy about. 

PAUSE
Brittany is a great girl. I love her to pieces. I really do. This is nothing against her personally, please don't think that. We are great friends and I know she is going to do a fantastic job. It's just hard when you're against your dearest friends for your dream roles and they're the one that gets it ya know?
PLAY

That weekend I was pissed. No other way to say it. 

I couldn't help but feel like it was my high school senior year, "Beauty and the Beast" all over again. I was the obvious choice for a lead, for Belle in this show, but I didn't get it because of reasons that no one knows (I actually think they just put our names in a hat a drew one out because they actually said they would probably have to do that because it was just so close. The 3 of us that were left for belle would each do a great job and give 3 very different performances in 3 very different versions of B&B). And here I was again, the obvious choice for a lead, for Natalie, and the role was going to someone else because "she's worked her butt off and hasn't been in anything yet and she's graduating next year so we've gotta give her something"...I was not happy with my situation. 

I was furious that I wasn't getting the part, simply because a girl who was going to be a senior had been working her butt off and hadn't been in anything yet. 

Excuse me for saying so, but whose fault is that?? 

If the directors of the shows are trying to make "apple pie", they need apples. If she has been an orange this whole time it's no ones fault! It's just how life is! It's how this business is! It doesn't mean that Brittany isn't talented and it doesn't mean that the directors "owe it to her" to make sure she gets in a show her senior year. 

PAUSE
I understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of this situation. In high school I was the senior that got a lead over a junior/sophomore. I know what it feels like. But that's high school theater...not collegiate. 
PLAY

The more I thought about it, the more I felt Peter cast Brittany as Natalie, for the same reasons that he DIDN'T cast me as Diana. Carly was the obvious choice for Diana because she has the acting skills to play her character as honestly as possible. I (in the words of Peter) do not have the acting skills needed for Diana (which I actually already knew), but I had the voice and character needed for Natalie. Brittany didn't (not the voice/character Peter was wanting). But she was getting cast because she'll be a senior next year and Peter can't see her in "Rent". But can somehow see me in "Rent". 

NEWS FLASH!
I'm not a stripper nor am I ok pretending to be one. 
And, I'm not a lesbian or ok making out with girls! Not even on stage. 

So do tell me where I fit in "Rent"? 

Anyhow. 

I spent quite a few days pissed and then my Spring Break was great! And then last night I was pissed again. 

I was thinking back about my conversation with Peter, and realized that I had "people-pleased" my way through it, saying I 'understood' why he had to cast an educational way and that I 'didn't blame him' and that 'it was a hard place to be in'. I said everything that made it sound like I was perfectly ok with his decision. But truth is? I WASN'T! So why was I being my typical self and letting him walk all over me, when he knows perfectly well that that's who I am? I should have made a more convincing argument--should have plead my case. Should have pointed out my uncomfortableness with Rent, should have pointed out that MY senior year is going to be a more classical style of musicals (sine this coming year will be ALL rock-type musicals *cough cough* my forte...). I just spent the day kicking myself for rolling over and giving up instead of fighting for myself. 

And then I thought, "maybe Peter thought about it over the weekend and decided to give me the role he knows I deserve..." and "maybe it will actually be my name on the cast list..." even though I knew those chances were slim to none. 


Well, today came and I woke uneasy. I planned to check for the cast list between my first and second class because I would see Brittany in my second class and I didn't want to be on bad terms with her. But, I ran into her at South Hall where she informed me that the list wasn't even up yet. So we walked together to class and I realized, talking with her, that I was super excited for her to see that list and see her name on it. I was finally able to really accept that it wasn't going to be. It sucked, it sucked a whole heck of a lot. But it felt really great to finally see her and just know that she's going to rock the HECK out of that show. 

After our second class we ran over to South Hall, where sure enough Brittany's name was listed, and I smiled wide at her as she cried and was all excited and I hugged her tight and told her how I had known all week and was soooo excited for her...we laughed and it was...a great moment. 

And then those that were there with us started all the congratulations and Hannah pitched in, "everyone I talked to was rooting for you and we all were going to like...picket South Hall if you weren't picked!" and so that was a slap to the face of "gee thanks guys! So glad to know that people like me and that I have friends who would've been excited had it been MY name listed on the board"...and then we walked into Theater Design where Demaree had a freaking come apart and hugged Brittany death and said she was hoping it was her all along and that she was so proud of her and so excited...which really hurt. Because Demaree had been working with me on my audition song and telling me "not to tell Brittany but I really hope it's you"...anyhow. I was not happy. 

But class carried on, I came home, and was able to let it go. What's done is done. Brittany is still one of my favorite humans in the whole world, and again--this wasn't anything against her personally. I would've felt the same way if it was any other senior girl and Peter and I had had the same conversation. 

**Here's where you should pick up if you skipped the middle negative bit**

So. What did this some-what-horribly-wonderful experience teach me? 
Something my high school drama teacher, Mr. Shelley, taught me a few years back. 

Find my own measure of success. 

He told us (my high school class as we began our region competitive season) that we couldn't base our success on the merits of others. Whether or not we did a good job wasn't to be determined by how many points we received, or medals, or trophies. It didn't matter what other people thought. All that mattered is what WE thought. 

And without those moments, this whole "Next to Normal" bit probably would've torn me up inside. But I walked out of my audition, and my callbacks with my head held high. I made my mark. The upperclassmen knew who I was and they knew my talents. I would not be so easily forgotten anymore. And that was something to be proud of. That was my success. I put EVERYTHING I had into this audition process. I worked my butt off, and while it didn't pay off the way I wanted, it was still an incredible experience and SUU is still going to put on an INCREDIBLE production of Next to Normal which I will not miss for the world. 

I know this post is mostly negative and it sounds like I hate Peter and hate Brittany and everything, but I really don't. It's been a crazy roller coaster, but I do honestly understand why the show was cast the way it was. I get it. That's just how educational theater is run. Granted I didn't think it would play a role in college. But nevertheless, I understand and I KNOW, without a doubt, that NtoN is going to be incredible. 

It's all about finding your measure of success. As long as I am proud of the work I've done; as long as I know it's the best I could do; what else matters?


<3: CourtneyRae<3