NoNameThoughts

This semester had such potential when it began. I was prepared for the challenges of taking dance classes and the pain and discomfort it would bring. I was prepared to sing in front of all the people I looked up to and admired. I was ready to put my best foot forward and finally break through--finally be recognized...finally given the chance to shine and make a difference. If not in someone else's life, then certainly in my own. 

I rented out the tap studio for 2 hours every morning. I was going to dance until my legs fell off. 

I scheduled a practice room in the music building--3 different rooms all for different times. I was going to sing until the voice inside me finally came out. 

I was going to improve the most this semester. I wanted people to see me and finally know that I was there. To finally SEE me for who I really am and what I'm really capable of. I didn't want the praise--that's never been what this is about. I am just sick and tired of being in the background; being a second thought. I wanted to break free of the ensemble of the department and finally be who I really am. I just wanted one person--ONE PERSON--to look at me and say something about how hard I've been working. 

But. 

Then the semester began and staying up late with my husband became more important than going to bed early. And sleep became more important than getting up early to practice in the tap studio; became more important than getting to my early morning class 100% of the time. Spending time with my husband watching Netflix and going out with our friends became more important than studying. I couldn't quite figure out the balance this semester. And sure, some people might look at me and laugh and say that I've only been married 6 months and there's no way I can be expected to have it all figured out yet. And ya. I guess that's true. Getting married and suddenly having to figure out your life with another person is overwhelming and humbling and amazing and crazy hard sometimes. 

But. 

I kept telling myself that I was going to be different. That I was going to stay organized and motivated and stay focused on school and not let my married life throw me off track. 

And then the semester was half way over and I had stopped getting up early and stopped using my practice room. My hips got worse and for a while I had to sit out during my musical theater dance class and I fell way behind. I got super down on myself and super frustrated and my progress came to a grinding halt. Everyone was excelling all around me and I just wasn't. and it pissed me off. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what else I COULD do. I worked really hard in class and I memorized the movement as quickly as I could. But I felt so alienated and alone in my classes that I just didn't know where to turn. 

I put everything I had into my dance classes and into my musical theater performance class. I worked my butt of this semester. But it hasn't paid off the way I hoped it would. 

And then, because that's how karma works, everything sort of came crashing down around me. I felt that I wasn't good at anything: dancing, singing, acting, putting myself together in the morning, keeping a clean house, loving my husband, talking to my mom, auditions, work...you name it I felt I wasn't good at it. 

And because of that, I got lazy. I procrastinated work things and I procrastinated things at home and I'm still procrastinating memorizing my lines for Lake Powell Playhouse this summer. 

PAUSE
I'm in 2 shows this summer. Awesome right? Right! Ish. How on Earth do you do that many runs of a show--of more than one show at the same time--without losing your mind or messing up your words and lyrics? how do you do that?!?! I'm terrified. I'm scared out of my mind that I'm not good enough. That I've picked the wrong field. That I'm just one of those girls who thinks she can change the world by going to those hard places and being those characters and telling the stories that deserve to be told. And I know...I KNOW! I'm in the BFA program for a reason. I got cast for a reason at LPPH. I get that. I do. But how do you fight these kinds of fears? They aren't the kind that someone can reassure for you. You can't find this kind of gratification through other people. I mean sure, it helps when other people see your work and they understand and they feel with you and they tell you how your performance touched them in some way. Of course that helps. But at the end of the day, when you're not in a show; when you aren't cast for that dream role; when you're not growing and succeeding like you hoped you would; when you get discouraged and start doubting...how is anyone supposed to fight that? How do you calm those kinds of demons?
PLAY

All of my insecurities reared their ugly heads this semester and I haven't told anyone about them. Not really. I've tried to write about a few of them here but not all of them are theater related so I haven't written about them. 

But it's to the point where I can't really keep it all inside anymore and it's tiring me out trying to keep all of this under control and still function at the same time. I've been drowning out all my doubts and fears by numbing my mind to it all. I've been procrastinating so that I don't have to face my demons. I've been wasting my time watching hours of Netflix  because I am afraid of failing. 

This semester I became afraid of failing. 

Which basically means I've gone against everything I told myself and I've let everything get inside my head and I've let go of my mantra. That's the whole point of this blog; of this whole freaking journey:

"Let your willingness to be great overcome your fear of failure." 

That's the point to all of this. It always has been. And this semester I failed. I failed while I was holding back trying not to fail. And I'm really upset about that. I tried so hard and I worked so hard and I threw my whole self into everything I did this semester. But at the end of it all, I look back and all I see is myself giving into the uncertainty and the fear and holding back. 

And that really sucks. 

<3:CourtneyRae<3