The Journey So Far

Just and FYI: the main purpose behind this blog was for a class. My Musical Theater Professor, Melinda Vaughn, assigned us to create a blog and journal about our theatrical experiences during the time that we were in her class. But as I've continued to write, I've decided that I'm going to keep up this blog for...hopefully ever. To keep a record of all my experiences and lessons I've learned.  Just thought I'd explain ;)


So. Here we are at the end of the semester. My last blog post for credit for my class. I've read back on my posts and there's a lot of negativity and frustration and stress. Sure I always tried to find a way to twist it in a positive way and record what I learned and how it applied to my life, but still--that's a lot of negative thoughts to have in one semester.

Melinda reads our posts on Sundays, which is usually when I write so we sort of play "catch up". She read my post about finding my own measure of success and Next to Normal Auditions and such and she sent me this email:


"Courtney, 
    
    I must have read the blogs last just before as you posted because I hadn't seen your last post until this afternoon. I want to echo Mr. Shelley in the advice to decide on your own measure of success. NtoN is a distraction. Casting in college is a distraction. Casting in life is a distraction--I wish I could tell you it changes when you graduate, but it is just new and newer versions of the same old thing. 
    But, I challenge you to sit down before you go to bed, and make a list of all of YOUR accomplishments this year...and i could go on and on in just the few things I have seen. To hell with what people have said to you. I want you to put your head on your pillow sometime in the next few nights, feeling at peace that where you decide you have grown and succeeded, nobody can rob you of that. Take in your life as a whole--not just the work, because I want you to consider that it is the whole that counts
     I love your candor in these blogs. No need to sensor yourself for me. Keep working out those thoughts and feelings, and let yourself think and feel them so you can find a place for them. If it is worth anything to you, not that it should anymore than the negative comments, you ARE growing. You DO have something very special, and it is not only your voice, and I want you to block out the noise so you can continue growing. 
              Be Well, 
               Melinda"

I read this email and it brought me to tears. I felt like she had somehow read my inner-mind and found every word ot calm my fears and doubts. It was incredible. But I didn't write about my success or personal victory's or growth then because the year wasn't over. But here we are, and I thinkg it is WAAAAAAY passed time to write about the positive moments and lessons I learned from this semester. 

This semester was unexpected. I learned that I am not solidly confident in all of my talents and abilities. I learned that I still rely on what other people think. I used to be really good at shutting everyone out and just listening to my heart and what I thought. But this semester that wasn't good enough for me. In the beginning it was. But then Next to Normal auditions happened and that was a rude awakening. I came from a high school performing experience where I was always a lead. I always had lines and I always had solos and I was always cast in one way or another in every show. That was what I did. And then I came to college and didn't get into anything until I made ensemble for Fiddler and was humbled and reminded that every character of a story is just as important as the leads are. I found beauty in the ensemble of the department or a time but I longed for so much more. I could feel my potential and my dreams boiling up inside me, waiting to break out; waiting to be free. But I just never took nor received the opporunities to share them how I wanted. And the NtoN came about and I felt that for sure I would get the chance. Peter told me to my face that I was his dream "Natalie". And then he told me that he was casting someone else and that shattered my whole universe and from there I sort of just slid and kept sliding. It was hard to find the motivation to keep going and keep trying because I felt that during the time of my life I should be getting the most feedback, help, and opportunities, I just wasn't getting them. I began to question if I was in the right field and doing the right thing. I worried that I was becoming "just a pretty voice"; that my acting sucked and that my dancing would never get better. I was afraid of failure and I was afraid of everything. I was trying to find myself and discover who I was as an actress and performer and wife and human being. I'm 20 years old and I don't have it all together yet. SURPRISE!! ha. as if that surprised anyone. I felt like a complete outsider and unwelcome outside of classes and school functions; felt completely alone and small and insignificant and just...everything a 20 year old woman goes through while trying to find herself. 

And then the semester ended and I've been able to look back and remember the positive moments and exciting moments and all the things that I have learned this semester.

I learned that I don't just want to be a high school teacher. I learned that I am talented and that I do have the potential to perform on stage and teach college students and raise a family--it's all out there just waiting for the taking. And I learned that if that's what I want, all I have to do is reach out and take it. 

I learned that I don't have to have it all together yet. My dad kindly reminded me that no 20 year old, newly married anyone has it all together. I don't have to know how to balance school AND work AND married life AND being 20 AND theatre all at the same time yet. IT'S OK!!=]

I put myself out there and auditioned for every summer stock opportunity I could, even though I was terrified I wasn't good enough and that no one would want me, and I learned that there is always something to learn from an audition experience. And someone outside SUU saw my performance and saw my potential and wated to work with me. AND I crushed a dance audition!! I made it through the elimination round and I was able to hold my head up high and feel confident in the work I had laid out on the floor. SUCK IT! hahaha I may not be a brilliant dancer yet, but there is a dancer in this soul and she is finding her feet more and more every day=] 

I learned how to deconstruct and find meaning in a song. It opened so many doors and avenues as to how to deal with characters and make choices. 

I discovered that I suck at letting people in and that it shows through in my acting. I am afraid to be vulnerable and yet it is something that I strive for with every performance. 

I learned that there is a woman inside me who is proud of who she is and what she does; a woman that can accept her body and isn't embarrassed about making it move; a woman that is longing to come out and show the world what she is made of; a woman who is being hidden by a little girl who lost her confidence. 

I learned a lot about the sort of person I want to be in the wolrd of theatre. I saw the true colors of some of the people I respect the very most and vowed to never be that way and talk about people like that. 

I auditioned for my dream role and gave it every ounce of strength and courage I had. I showed the upper classman that I am not just some invisible sophomore. I showed them that I EARNED my way into the BFA just like everyone else had to and that just because I was a freshman when I did didn't mean anything. I provved to them that I have a voice and a presence to be reckoned with. I walked out of my audition and callback with my head held high, knowing that I did everything I could've possibly done. 

I learned that there are countless opportunities to perform and that the only reason I felt I wasn't getting them was because I'm not taking them. I've now made a promise to myself to audition for everything; to participate in every SUU live next year and the years to come. 

I learned the pains of saying goodbye to dear friends who are graduating and moving on. 

I learned what real progress looks and sounds like. 

I learned 3--COUNT 'EM!!: 3!-- difficult dance routines and didn't suck that bad. I actually got better. Things actually clicked for me. 

I broke down twice in front of my voice instructor and learned that it's ok to admit you've bitten off more than you can chew. 

I have learned that the stakes can always be higher and that more often than not you just have to "light a fire under your ass".

I learned that I can't sing some vowels and that all I have to do is modulate them to find that sweet spot. 

I learned how to more deeply love my husband while going through job loss and ER visits and pregnancy scares.

I've learned that I can be vulnerable I just have to be willing to go there; I just have to trust my fellow students. I HAVE to learn to trust them with myself and the broken, uncertain, and doubting pieces of who I am. 

I learned that my professors don't think I'm "just a pretty voice". They see my potential and want to help give me opportunities to help me find the woman within. 

I learned the true meaning behind the phrase "you are always auditioning" as I was told at my BFA jury that they wanted to add me into Hamlet this fall. They told me that I carry myself extremely well and my voice is progressing and when I read in class I have a presence but when I act I get super nervous and fall into "little-girl" habits. But because of the other things I'm good at I somehow earned my way into Hamlet.  

I leanred not to take myself so seriously. As long as my passion is in the right place I can do anything. But I've got to open my eyes and enjoy the ride. 

I have learned so much this semester and I consider every one of these lessons and accomplishment. I have so much more to learn and apply and I'm really excited. 

I'm spending the summer performing in Page, AZ. I'M GETTING PAID TO DO WHAT I LOVE!!! How does this happen?! Who gets to do that?! Am I scared out of my mind?? You better believe it. I've never been in 2 shows at once and had to learn everything and put on a show in 4 weeks. I'm scared to high heavens. But you know something else I learned/was reminded of this semester?? I can memorize lines really fast when I need/need to. It's super handy, let me tell ya. 

This summer is going to be really hard for a lot of reasons, mostly including the fact that I'll be moving out for the next 4 months and be away from Kollin. I knew it would come to this and that this is the life we signed up for but it's still hard and surreal. I haven't started packing yet because of that and I leave this wednesday--2 days! HA! 

Now i'm just rambling because I don't really want to say "goodbye" for the semester. It won't really be a goodbye--I'm going to keep writing about what I'm learning and I hope you'll keep reading all about what i"m learning on this incredible journey. I have chosen the journey of a life-time an there is nothing I want to do more than to tell the raw stories of humanity. 

If there is anything I have re-learned this semester it is this:
  "Let your willingness to be great overcome your fear of failure"

Thank you Melinda, for everything this semester. There are not enough words to express my gratitude for all that you have taught me this semester. I truly hope I get the opportunity to work with you again and wish you many a broken leg this summer! =]

To everyone else out there who has been reading and following me on my journey remember to

<3: CourtneyRae<3

The Ensembles of the Department

Tonight I was able to go and watch some crazy talented people perform in the BFA showcase. It was a little bitter sweet sitting in the audience when I wished I could've been on stage with all of them. But at the end of the night I was ecstatic that I had been able to be in the audience. To see how each and every one of them has progressed this year and grown is amazing. The talent in this department just blows my mind. I am continuously humbled and blown away. 


This department of SUU's is made up of the most talented people I've met. It's truly humbling to work with them all. But at the same time it is overwhelmingly obnoxious at times. The reason being that the same handful of people get recognized and praised. And please don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying they don't deserve it. They are incredible and they work hard just like everyone else. 

But there are those who are working harder and overcoming challenges that others aren't facing and they are fading into the background; unnoticed. For example:

In my dance for musical theater class are 4 of these crazy talented people that always get praised and recognized. They are extremely talented and humble about it. But in that class are a lot of other people that are working their butts off and no one seems to care. When we split into groups and perform for each other, those same 4 are always pointed out. But I watch those that aren't. And they are amazing. I have seen people grow in more ways than I can count this semester and I wish that someone else could see it. 

There's Amber and Brooklyn. Both of them doubt themselves harshly. They tend to shake their heads and give up early. At least they did towards the beginning of the semester. But now? Here at the end? They have grown so much and I have seen their confidence grow with them. They smile more and they laugh and they're able to perform at a higher caliber than they could when the semester began. In our musical theater class Amber could hardly get through her first song without crying. She told us that she really hates singing and that it's really hard for her. But then, just last week, she sang her final performance of her singers choice piece and it was like a whole new girl had stepped onto that stage. 

There's Carly and Brittany and Hannah. The 3 of them are goofballs and I love them all. They bring so much character into their dancing and even if they mess up, they smile and shrug it off and pick right back off as if nothing happened. Not many can do that. 

There's Elisa. She is fearless. She commits so readily to the material given to her. She dives right in without worrying what other people will think or say. She's brilliant and funny and kind hearted. 

There's Madeline. She's fierce and she doesn't know the word "can't". She puts everything she has into what she's doing and while she says "it doesn't look pretty but it'll do" she never stops trying and improving. 

There's Jordan. He is a crazy talented dancer. He makes these little faces when he dances, their perfectly matched character wise, and it just takes his dancing that much higher. He is sharp and on point and learns quickly. 

There's Tom. The crazy Australian. Sometimes it seems like he isn't trying and that he doesn't care. But he does. He works really hard and when he really puts his mind to it, his singing and his dancing is beautiful. 

There's Lazaar. The-ginger-who-played-Lazaar-Wolf-in-Fiddler-who's-name-suddenly-erased-itself-from-my-brain. He's tall, very tall. And you wouldn't think that he can move as nimbly as someone of a slightly shorter stature, but he is quick. He is on top of what he's doing and he attacks it with strength and pizazz.   

There's Brooke. She's a dancer at heart who decided to check out what the musical theater side of life was all about. She puts up with our craziness and she blends right in. She is talented and hits every line beautifully. Just as you would expect a dancer to do. 

Then there's Alec, Luke, Tami and Tiffany. They are flawless and talented and spunky and noticed. Those 4 are the 4 that are always mentioned and praised. 

But what about the others? I watch them. I watch them intently and I notice their progress. Why? So I can write things like this post--so I can single them out and tell them that their hard work is paying off even when it seems they're getting brushed aside and forgotten about. And maybe it's because I feel that way sometimes that I purposefully watch out for those who aren't recognized; for those who are putting all their heart and soul into something but still getting shoved aside. 

YOU ARE TALENTED!! Your hard work is paying off. You have what it takes. It's not for nothing. 

I wish I could tell them that. I wish they could know. 

And they aren't the only ones. I know they aren't. There are dozens of people in the department that don't get thought of. They are fighting tooth and nail for opportunities and chances but no matter what they do they aren't given the chance. This department is made up of a handful of "leads"; that handful of people who are always cast in shows and recognized for their hard work. But this department is made up of more than its leads. It's made up of its ensemble. A crazy talented ensemble working their butts of trying to make a name for themselves; trying so hard to prove to everyone around them that they are just as talented and deserve just as much recognition and opportunities. And yes, I am one of them. I am fighting tooth and nail for my chance; for my turn in the spot light. And yes, every time it's within my grasp it feels as if something turns it off. And an opportunity is missed out on.

But there are more than just a handful of talented people in this department. And being a part of my musical theater performance class has shown me that more than anything else. In that class are the "leads" and the "ensemble members" of this department and I've got to spend a semester watching each and every one of them struggle through something difficult and overcome it. 

And I couldn't be more proud. 

This semester taught me so much about what it truly means to be a "lead". Being a "lead" in this business is more than just raw talent. It is hard work and late nights and long hours. It is vulnerability and a little presentational. It is going to the dark places and being the people we aren't used to being. It is telling a story in the most honest way we know how. It is never giving up and never letting "I'm not good enough" become a part of your vocabulary. It is taking constructive critisism and applying it. It is taking the highs as well as the lows. It is tears and sleepless nights and countless auditions. It is more than just a performance, it is a way of life. 

And I choose to make it MY life. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

NoNameThoughts

This semester had such potential when it began. I was prepared for the challenges of taking dance classes and the pain and discomfort it would bring. I was prepared to sing in front of all the people I looked up to and admired. I was ready to put my best foot forward and finally break through--finally be recognized...finally given the chance to shine and make a difference. If not in someone else's life, then certainly in my own. 

I rented out the tap studio for 2 hours every morning. I was going to dance until my legs fell off. 

I scheduled a practice room in the music building--3 different rooms all for different times. I was going to sing until the voice inside me finally came out. 

I was going to improve the most this semester. I wanted people to see me and finally know that I was there. To finally SEE me for who I really am and what I'm really capable of. I didn't want the praise--that's never been what this is about. I am just sick and tired of being in the background; being a second thought. I wanted to break free of the ensemble of the department and finally be who I really am. I just wanted one person--ONE PERSON--to look at me and say something about how hard I've been working. 

But. 

Then the semester began and staying up late with my husband became more important than going to bed early. And sleep became more important than getting up early to practice in the tap studio; became more important than getting to my early morning class 100% of the time. Spending time with my husband watching Netflix and going out with our friends became more important than studying. I couldn't quite figure out the balance this semester. And sure, some people might look at me and laugh and say that I've only been married 6 months and there's no way I can be expected to have it all figured out yet. And ya. I guess that's true. Getting married and suddenly having to figure out your life with another person is overwhelming and humbling and amazing and crazy hard sometimes. 

But. 

I kept telling myself that I was going to be different. That I was going to stay organized and motivated and stay focused on school and not let my married life throw me off track. 

And then the semester was half way over and I had stopped getting up early and stopped using my practice room. My hips got worse and for a while I had to sit out during my musical theater dance class and I fell way behind. I got super down on myself and super frustrated and my progress came to a grinding halt. Everyone was excelling all around me and I just wasn't. and it pissed me off. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what else I COULD do. I worked really hard in class and I memorized the movement as quickly as I could. But I felt so alienated and alone in my classes that I just didn't know where to turn. 

I put everything I had into my dance classes and into my musical theater performance class. I worked my butt of this semester. But it hasn't paid off the way I hoped it would. 

And then, because that's how karma works, everything sort of came crashing down around me. I felt that I wasn't good at anything: dancing, singing, acting, putting myself together in the morning, keeping a clean house, loving my husband, talking to my mom, auditions, work...you name it I felt I wasn't good at it. 

And because of that, I got lazy. I procrastinated work things and I procrastinated things at home and I'm still procrastinating memorizing my lines for Lake Powell Playhouse this summer. 

PAUSE
I'm in 2 shows this summer. Awesome right? Right! Ish. How on Earth do you do that many runs of a show--of more than one show at the same time--without losing your mind or messing up your words and lyrics? how do you do that?!?! I'm terrified. I'm scared out of my mind that I'm not good enough. That I've picked the wrong field. That I'm just one of those girls who thinks she can change the world by going to those hard places and being those characters and telling the stories that deserve to be told. And I know...I KNOW! I'm in the BFA program for a reason. I got cast for a reason at LPPH. I get that. I do. But how do you fight these kinds of fears? They aren't the kind that someone can reassure for you. You can't find this kind of gratification through other people. I mean sure, it helps when other people see your work and they understand and they feel with you and they tell you how your performance touched them in some way. Of course that helps. But at the end of the day, when you're not in a show; when you aren't cast for that dream role; when you're not growing and succeeding like you hoped you would; when you get discouraged and start doubting...how is anyone supposed to fight that? How do you calm those kinds of demons?
PLAY

All of my insecurities reared their ugly heads this semester and I haven't told anyone about them. Not really. I've tried to write about a few of them here but not all of them are theater related so I haven't written about them. 

But it's to the point where I can't really keep it all inside anymore and it's tiring me out trying to keep all of this under control and still function at the same time. I've been drowning out all my doubts and fears by numbing my mind to it all. I've been procrastinating so that I don't have to face my demons. I've been wasting my time watching hours of Netflix  because I am afraid of failing. 

This semester I became afraid of failing. 

Which basically means I've gone against everything I told myself and I've let everything get inside my head and I've let go of my mantra. That's the whole point of this blog; of this whole freaking journey:

"Let your willingness to be great overcome your fear of failure." 

That's the point to all of this. It always has been. And this semester I failed. I failed while I was holding back trying not to fail. And I'm really upset about that. I tried so hard and I worked so hard and I threw my whole self into everything I did this semester. But at the end of it all, I look back and all I see is myself giving into the uncertainty and the fear and holding back. 

And that really sucks. 

<3:CourtneyRae<3

Still Home?

Thursday was one of those somewhat horrible days that left me wondering if the theater world is still where I belong.

My final for Musical Theater was Thursday. Our final was to perform a scene to song, instead of just a song. My partner was Elisa Black and it took us forever to find something. 

We eventually decided to do "Some Things Are Meant to Be" from Little Women. I played Jo and Elisa played Beth. We worked really hard to get our blocking just right and to memorize our wording and the music and everything. I tried to react the way I felt Jo would react in this situation and we tried to paint the picture of one last perfect day. 

After we finished our performance it was sort of quiet for a moment and I thought that we had done a great job. And then everyone gave their comments and they all said that we didn't do enough. That we didn't have high enough stakes. That I wasn't playing Jo the way I should and that Elisa wasn't being Beth right and all this crap. and it was so disappointing. Because I realized that we had got so caught up in the blocking of it all that we hadn't taken the time to sit down together and talk about this situation and our characters. I thought we had done our homework. I thought that I had portrayed Jo as a character that was refusing to believe her sister was going to die so she continued to push the thought away and paint this perfect picture on this last perfect day. But it didn't come across that way because I was too subtle about it. 

Elisa and I should've talked more about our characters and what we wanted from the scene. We should have done the paperwork even though it wasn't assigned. It would've helped. 

But aside from that, it just hit me really hard that while I thought we were being true to the scene and the characters it didn't come across. And I was really bummed out about that. Especially because that was the only shot we were gonna get. That was it. The end. That was our final. 

This whole semester I've tried to give performances that I would be proud of. I've tried to "find my own measure of success". I've put everything into my performances and just tried my hardest to do my best to walk away from them with my head held high being proud of the work I had done and the product that had resulted from the work. 

But I walked away from that performance wondering what I was doing and wondering what had gone wrong and wondering why I hadn't thought of and fixed those things that had been brought up. They were so obvious--such beginner advice and critiques--that I face palmed and just thought "duh Courtney. How did you not think of that. You should have seen that and thought of that. You are not a beginner anymore..." etc etc. 

I was not very happy. 

I appreciated what they had to say, and everything that was said about raising the stakes and giving in to the "presentations" side of theater (Melinda had made a comment about how there is nothing truly "real" about theater because all we are doing is telling stories. Which I found extremely profound actually) was all spot on. They were exactly right. 

I just wondered why I hadn't asked myself those questions already. I mean, I thought I did. But they didn't come across. And I didn't really know why. 

And at the end of the day, I just had to wonder if I was still doing the right thing and going the right direction and if theater was still my home. 

I know it is. There's no doubt about that. 

But I can't help but doubt and wonder sometimes ya know?

<3: CourtneyRae<3

The Struggle is Real

I have a bad habit of starting an entry and then taking forever to post it...my apologies. 

I've been taking voice lessons for 2 semesters now. I've learned a BAGILLION and one things since starting my lessons. But one of the most important things I've learned is how to connect to my breath support, and I mean really support. Better than I ever have before. 

The other most important thing I'm learning, is to be patient with my talents. So often I hear my voice during my voice lessons and I do not like what I hear. It sounds shallow and weak which is completely opposite from what I'm used to. I'm used to hearing a strong sound that is full and beautiful to be honest. But ever since I've been messing with my voice and learning more about classical singing and mixing etc etc, everything has just sounded and felt different. It doesn't hurt, and it doesn't sound bad. It's just different. 

But here's the struggle. 

When I'm singing and things aren't sounding right, I can hear in my head how it COULD sound. I can hear the potential that lies within, but it's just barely out of reach. I can see it but can't touch it so to speak. 

Which means I get really frustrated quite easily these days when it comes to my voice. I forget that I still sound good and that I'm still growing and learning and maturing and Shannon Birch (my vocal instructor) has to remind me all over again that it's ok and that I'm doing everything right and that I need to be patient.

Some days are better than others and I catch a glimpse of the voice that's trying to dig its way out. And those days are incredible and that voice is so crazy talented that I'm humbled by it. I just wish it could stick around a little longer. I'll be singing and I can feel it edging through. It stays for a few moments and then I lose it. 

But I know it's in there! The struggle may be real, but it will be completely worth it when all my hard work and practice pays off. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

SummerStock

Summer Stock. The craziest few weeks of my life. 

Auditioning for summer theater companies was my first taste of the real world. You walk into an audition where they don't know you and you sing your heart out and pray that they heard something unique and ask you for a callback. It's nerve wracking. 

I auditioned for 3 different companies. Pickleville Playhouse located in Bear Lake; Lake Powell Playhouse located in Lake Powell; and The Neil Simon Festival located in Cedar City. Each gave me a new and different experience and taste for theater outside of school. 

Pickleville held callbacks and dance callbacks. They had everyone that had been called back come into the tap studio where they taught us a short snipet of dance. I was very nervous because I hadn't had an actual experience with a dance callback and my dancing is not my strong point. And, especially after my latest conversation with Peter I was not feeling too confident in anything I was doing at that point. 

But I gave it my all and did my best to pick up on the movements quickly. I had fun and it didn't even hurt that much. Which is always cause for bonus points in my book ;). After everyone learned it, they had us perform it in groups of 3, after which we all went out to the lobby to await their decision. 

The directors came out and read off all the names of the people they wanted to stay and read and my name was one of them! You should have seen me inside my head. I was quite literally jumping for joy shouting "in your face!!" to and at anyone and everyone who had ever told me that my dancing wasn't going to amount to anything. Mostly I was just yelling at myself and telling myself to stop being so hard on myself. It was such a glorious feeling that I cannot even begin to describe. 

The cold reads went on for another hour and a half but when they were over, it was over. We all walked out of there smiling and talking about the experience and the characters and about how fun it would be to be apart of "The Drowsy Chaperone". 

The Neil Simon Festival audition and callback experience was very interesting. Richard Bugg was/is the main director/casting director etc and he is the one who held the auditions. Which were suuuuper unorganized. I was honestly disappointed. I was expecting them to be more professional and put together, but it all sort of got thrown together at the last minute. Needless to say, it was an interesting experience. 

When I auditioned, Bugg seemed impressed and asked me a bunch of questions about housing situations and how wide my range was and if I lived in Cedar etc. So I thought that was a good sign. When callbacks came around he had me read for one show which he said I did well. 

I missed Lake Powell auditions all together because I didn't know about them until the day right before and I didn't have anything prepared in a western accent that I could do well. So i didn't worry about it. But then Peter told me that I should audition and pulled some strings and put me in touch with the director, Nate Marble, and Kollin and I drove down and back one Saturday evening so I could audition. 


Each of these auditioning processes was unique and I was holding my breath for an offer to work for any of them (except Lake Powell because after visiting Page, Arizona, I felt it was super ghetto and a tiny place). The only issue was that I'm going to be gone the first week of May, celebrating my mother-in-laws recovery from cancer, in Florida. So I was super worried no one would be willing to work with me. I was also super worried because I had somehow gotten it into my head that if I didn't get cast it meant I wasn't good at what I was hoping to spend my life doing (I hadn't been cast by Peter in NtoN and I was worried that Bugg wouldn't cast me and that that would mean that my faculty that was telling me how good I was, wasn't willing to work with me. I know. Stupid. But that was my mental state for a few days). 

Turns out the only offer I received was for Lake Powell Playhouse. At first I was super bummed because I didn't want to be in Page and I didn't want to perform on that tiny stage. But I warmed up to the fact that I was going to be performing over the summer and making money doing what I love! 

Moving out for the summer, moving away from Kollin for the summer is going to suck. There is just no other way of saying it. It's going to be suuuuper sucky and I'm going to hate that factor of it. But it's going to be a GREAT experience and I'm super excited. 


So, what did I learn from all of this??

1.) Don't go on vacations during the rehearsal process because most companies won't try to work with you ;)

2.) Don't play mind games with myself. I need to be confident in what I can do and stop weighing so much of that on other people. 

3.) I CAN dance! Maybe not perfectly, but I can do it. 


I'm super excited for the journey ahead and the experiences to come. This summer is going to be fantastic. 


<3: CourtneyRae<3