So.
Auditions for Next to Normal are a week away. One week until the biggest audition of my theater adventure thus far. I haven't wanted a role this bad in my whole life.
Natalie is...one of my dream roles. I just...relate to her. In sort of a round about way. My parents aren't divorced; my brother has never died; my mom has never had mental illnesses; and I've never dated a druggie.
But.
My whole life I've grown up in my older sisters shadow, feeling almost invisible. Feeling unimportant and easily replaced. Went through some rough phases of suicide contemplation. Went through a particularly ugly phase/addiction of cutting and self-detriment. Pushed everyone away that tried to care about me, thinking I could just do it all on my own; thinking I didn't deserve anyone caring in my life. I dated the "not so great" kind of guys, that would've fit the "stoner" stereotype minus the drug use. I fought with my mom my whole life, consistently disappointing her and proving to be the "black sheep" of our family.
So, in a twisted sort of way, I really connect with her.
Aside from that though, I love her character journey and her songs and her character in general. And the show itself is a beautiful story that hit me really hard the first time I listened to it and learned the story line. I could talk for days about how much I love this show and how badly I want to be in it.
I sang my audition piece, "Dead Girl Walking" from Heathers, for Melinda the other day and she seemed really impressed. She actually asked me "And what did you need me for?" when I finished. She left me speechless quite honestly. But after that she helped me with pronunciation towards the end of the piece that helped me a ton and I'm way excited and nervous out of my brain for this audition.
That being said: I'm not Natalie. We are two opposite people. I don't swear. I don't know how to deal with depression. I don't know how to deal with family death. I don't know how to be deep and intense the way that she is. So I'm going to have to learn how to. And that's kind of hard for me to admit. But I am going to do anything and everything I have to in order to get this part. I was really worried about how I was going to do that, and then musical theater happened on Thursday and gave me a brilliant idea.
Class was incredible on Thursday. We finished up our class songs and we had some major break-throughs. Amber sang and was really emotional about it and we all sang with her while she was working it and Maddie found her mix and was emotional and then Melinda got emotional and said how much she loves her job and us and it got real in there, let me tell ya. It was such a neat experience!
But, towards the end, during Amber's performance/working time, she said that singing wasn't her favorite thing. And Melinda said that was fine and everything was alright and then she started talking about Beyonce.
Apparently, in real life, Beyonce isn't the girl she is on stage when she's shakin everything her momma gave her. She actually isn't comfortable with it. But she needed a way to be, so she created Sasha Fierce; her alter ego.
Sasha Fierce is just that: she is fierce; intense; she is not shy about anything.
So when Beyonce has to get up on stage and be that type of person, she "becomes" Sasha Fierce and allows her to "take over".
That's what I want to do. I want to be able to be intense and dark and more confident and sassy and kind of a "B" to be honest. But I don't want to become that sort of person for the rest of my life. I want to be able to "put that on" when I'm in a show that requires that sort of character, but be able to "take it off" in real life. So I have decided that I'm going to try to make myself and alter ego. Someone that I can pretend to be in shows like "Next to Normal" that deal with darker and more intense situations and language.
I'm hoping that eventually I won't need an alter ego; I'm hoping I'll be able to just act and be genuine about it. But Just to be careful I'm going to find an alter ego first, to make sure I don't pass through old habits, and then slowly let it go.
Sounds kind of ridiculous, I know. But I'm enjoying trying to find a name. I haven't picked one yet, but these are my favorites so far:
-Mikiah
-Iris
-Taelia
-Kitai
I want a name that sounds kind of fierce and uncommon and unique. A name that doesn't sound like me in any way. So we'll keep looking and find a combination that I like.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
Monday, February 23, 2015
Monday, February 16, 2015
Becoming a Triple Threat...?
My confidence is shot.
There, I admitted it.
My confidence this year has gone completely down the drain.
I'm not sure when it happened, and I'm not sure why. But it's shot. I've been running from that fact all year, but I've finally been able to admit it.
I started college Fall of 2013, a little uncertain of how it all worked, but I knew I was talented. I did very well in my high school's theater department, and I knew that I had been blessed with talents. I knew I was a natural and genuine actor, and I knew that I had a powerful voice, even without taking voice lessons before in my life. As my first year of college progressed, I slowly began to make a name for myself, one class performance at a time. The highlight of my year was making the BFA program, after a hasty decision to "just give it a shot". Resulting in the turning of all my plans, upside down and inside out.
I was going to be a theater education major. But now I didn't have a clue what to do.
This year started and so did the dance classes and the voice lessons. Neither of which I had done before.
I knew I was a terrible dancer--sure I could pick up choreography, but it seemed to take me longer than everyone.
I knew I could sing--but voice lessons took everything I could do and tore it apart, forcing me to build technicality.
I knew I could act--but I botched my auditions for most of the years shows.
I was very disappointed and questioning if I was in the right field. And then I made it into Fiddler! Could've cried from being so happy. Working on a show again has made all the difference in the world. It's the only thing that helps me sometimes.
I'm taking 2 dance classes this semester: balletI and dance for musical theater. And they are kicking my trash. I have to work so much harder to pick up on things, to manipulate my body to do what it's supposed to. And it is the most frustrating thing that I've ever done. Everyone else seems to be natural at dancing, and then there's me. I know it takes practice and patience and all that. But no matter how hard I work, I don't get better. It's so frustrating.
I'm supposed to be a triple threat right? Someone who can dance, sing, and act in creative and brilliant ways. But everything feels so upside down lately that I don't have a clue where I'm at.
My voice is changing. In a good way. I've learned how to manage and place things even better than I had before. But I feel like I don't sound good any longer. I get very discouraged during my vocal lessons because I feel like I'm letting my voice instructor down. I feel like I don't sound as good as I used to. But then I perform and everything goes smoothly and my voice feels fine and people are surprised and very complimentary of my voice.
Same with my acting.
My dancing though is still in a realm of its own. A large portion of it is from my hips. My bones role over each other and my tendons get pinched in the middle of them and they are constantly aching and it's hard to dance on them. It is so hard to convince them that they need to move a certain way because my range of motion is so small.
I don't know what I'm going to do anymore though. And if I can't fix this, if I can't do better and work harder and pick up on things faster, then my road to becoming a triple threat is diminishing to a double threat. And that's not good enough.
But once in a blue moon, I have a moment that reminds me why I"m doing what I'm doing; reminds me that I'm on the right path.
The other day in Musical Theater was one of those moments.
I performed my class song, "It Might as Well be Spring" from State Fair, and it went really well. Not perfect, but I was proud of my performance. And everyone was very complimentary about my voice. Demaree said she would have cast me, and the other girls that hadn't ever heard me sing before seemed genuinely impressed.
And then Melinda said, "You have got some pipes" and she seemed impressed and surprised too and I melted on the floor. I look up to her soooooo much. She's married AND has a beautiful little family AND she does theater professionally, AND she teaches. Everything that I want to do! And, if that wasn't enough, the following day at Fiddler rehearsal she put her arm around me and told me that she was really proud of me and my performance. All of that combined just...was exactly what I needed. It was a perfect little tender mercy from Heavenly Father that reminded me that I am talented and that I CAN do this. I was so thankful.
It's the little moments that help me find my confidence and remind me to keep my chin up. AND that life really isn't so bad;)
So, it's on to my next adventure.
NEXT TO NORMAL!!!
Auditions are right after Fiddler, and I've been thinking about what to audition with since last Friday when they announced it. I want to be Natalie so bad I can't even find words strong enough. This show is one of my favorite shows in the WHOLE world, and she is one of my dream roles. That being said--I'm trying not to get my hopes up so much. The more excited I get about it, the harder I'm going to crash if I don't get the role. I don't think I've ever wanted a character this badly. Well, tied for wanting Belle ;)
Anyhow.
I'm working my butt of for this role already. Searching for the perfect song and trying to think of a monologue--I think I've got everything I need now. I'm anxious and excited and all I can do is my very best.
My high school theater teacher, Mr. Shelley, always told us not to take auditions personally. He said that, "Sometimes they are trying to make and apple pie and you're an orange". And that's the case with all auditions. You may think you're perfect for it, but maybe you're an orange and the directer is trying to make an apple pie, not orange juice.
So, in this case:
I hope I am the fruit they need/want. Because this is my chance to finally get my name out there in the department. To finally make myself known.
And I couldn't be more ready for it.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
There, I admitted it.
My confidence this year has gone completely down the drain.
I'm not sure when it happened, and I'm not sure why. But it's shot. I've been running from that fact all year, but I've finally been able to admit it.
I started college Fall of 2013, a little uncertain of how it all worked, but I knew I was talented. I did very well in my high school's theater department, and I knew that I had been blessed with talents. I knew I was a natural and genuine actor, and I knew that I had a powerful voice, even without taking voice lessons before in my life. As my first year of college progressed, I slowly began to make a name for myself, one class performance at a time. The highlight of my year was making the BFA program, after a hasty decision to "just give it a shot". Resulting in the turning of all my plans, upside down and inside out.
I was going to be a theater education major. But now I didn't have a clue what to do.
This year started and so did the dance classes and the voice lessons. Neither of which I had done before.
I knew I was a terrible dancer--sure I could pick up choreography, but it seemed to take me longer than everyone.
I knew I could sing--but voice lessons took everything I could do and tore it apart, forcing me to build technicality.
I knew I could act--but I botched my auditions for most of the years shows.
I was very disappointed and questioning if I was in the right field. And then I made it into Fiddler! Could've cried from being so happy. Working on a show again has made all the difference in the world. It's the only thing that helps me sometimes.
I'm taking 2 dance classes this semester: balletI and dance for musical theater. And they are kicking my trash. I have to work so much harder to pick up on things, to manipulate my body to do what it's supposed to. And it is the most frustrating thing that I've ever done. Everyone else seems to be natural at dancing, and then there's me. I know it takes practice and patience and all that. But no matter how hard I work, I don't get better. It's so frustrating.
I'm supposed to be a triple threat right? Someone who can dance, sing, and act in creative and brilliant ways. But everything feels so upside down lately that I don't have a clue where I'm at.
My voice is changing. In a good way. I've learned how to manage and place things even better than I had before. But I feel like I don't sound good any longer. I get very discouraged during my vocal lessons because I feel like I'm letting my voice instructor down. I feel like I don't sound as good as I used to. But then I perform and everything goes smoothly and my voice feels fine and people are surprised and very complimentary of my voice.
Same with my acting.
My dancing though is still in a realm of its own. A large portion of it is from my hips. My bones role over each other and my tendons get pinched in the middle of them and they are constantly aching and it's hard to dance on them. It is so hard to convince them that they need to move a certain way because my range of motion is so small.
I don't know what I'm going to do anymore though. And if I can't fix this, if I can't do better and work harder and pick up on things faster, then my road to becoming a triple threat is diminishing to a double threat. And that's not good enough.
But once in a blue moon, I have a moment that reminds me why I"m doing what I'm doing; reminds me that I'm on the right path.
The other day in Musical Theater was one of those moments.
I performed my class song, "It Might as Well be Spring" from State Fair, and it went really well. Not perfect, but I was proud of my performance. And everyone was very complimentary about my voice. Demaree said she would have cast me, and the other girls that hadn't ever heard me sing before seemed genuinely impressed.
And then Melinda said, "You have got some pipes" and she seemed impressed and surprised too and I melted on the floor. I look up to her soooooo much. She's married AND has a beautiful little family AND she does theater professionally, AND she teaches. Everything that I want to do! And, if that wasn't enough, the following day at Fiddler rehearsal she put her arm around me and told me that she was really proud of me and my performance. All of that combined just...was exactly what I needed. It was a perfect little tender mercy from Heavenly Father that reminded me that I am talented and that I CAN do this. I was so thankful.
It's the little moments that help me find my confidence and remind me to keep my chin up. AND that life really isn't so bad;)
So, it's on to my next adventure.
NEXT TO NORMAL!!!
Auditions are right after Fiddler, and I've been thinking about what to audition with since last Friday when they announced it. I want to be Natalie so bad I can't even find words strong enough. This show is one of my favorite shows in the WHOLE world, and she is one of my dream roles. That being said--I'm trying not to get my hopes up so much. The more excited I get about it, the harder I'm going to crash if I don't get the role. I don't think I've ever wanted a character this badly. Well, tied for wanting Belle ;)
Anyhow.
I'm working my butt of for this role already. Searching for the perfect song and trying to think of a monologue--I think I've got everything I need now. I'm anxious and excited and all I can do is my very best.
My high school theater teacher, Mr. Shelley, always told us not to take auditions personally. He said that, "Sometimes they are trying to make and apple pie and you're an orange". And that's the case with all auditions. You may think you're perfect for it, but maybe you're an orange and the directer is trying to make an apple pie, not orange juice.
So, in this case:
I hope I am the fruit they need/want. Because this is my chance to finally get my name out there in the department. To finally make myself known.
And I couldn't be more ready for it.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Commit to the Mask
I had such a neat experience the first week in Movement II. I've never done mask work before, so it was kind of mind blowing.
When I first looked at my mask I found it to be really ugly. It looked so unhappy and pained to me I wanted to turn away. I then began to think more about the person that this mask was and what had happened and I began to get a "Hunchback of Notre Dome" vibe and the mask softened to me.
As I put the mask on for the first time, I was a little wary. I knew that this character had to become its own person but I couldn't help but throw all of my insecurities into the mask. I immediately gave this character a gimp leg and hunched over. At first I played her very weak. Weak and afraid. She was shy and didn't want a whole lot of anything to do with anyone. I knew that it was just me being afraid to be bold and put myself out there but I didn't really change anything.
Between that class and the next though, I spent a lot of time thinking about her and myself, how we were similar and how we were different. And it occurred to me that she was very strong. She had fears and doubts just like I did. She had a "handicap" so to speak. But unlike me, she didn't let it hold her back. She just accepted it and carried on, doing whatever the heck she felt like. She looked out for others and reached out to those who were lonely, like I try to do. But she succeeded in truly caring about everyone she met. I don't always do that. I try but I'm still human, and people still bug me. But she wasn't. She wasn't human, and she didn't have to deal with human faults. She didn't have to be bothered by people because that wasn't one of her traits, that was mine.
It was sort of surreal. But She just sort of made sense to me all of the sudden and for a moment I met the person I wanted to be.
And I decided then to let go of a lot of things. To try to at least. But most of all I decided to stop holding back, to stop letting my fears control everything; to stop doubting my talents and gifts. I decided to stop using my hips as an excuse. That one is proving more difficult though as they get continuously worse and more painful--I can only push so far. But I'm working on it.
Overall, it helped to prove a theory that I've been circulating through my mind. I shared it in class sort of, but it sounded...really lame actually, and I felt like everyone just looked at me like "duh courtney". But that doesn't matter in the end, it was my own personal break through. And here it is:
Theatre is not about me.
I know, brilliant right? ;)
But seriously, it's not. It's about the character I'm playing and their experiences. It's about how they interact with people and how they've learned to be who they are. Theatre is about telling a story to the most honest place I can. If that means I have to wear a strange costume or have a weird voice, that's what it means! Because that's who my character is. For so long I've always worried about how I look on stage and when I perform. I've been so concerned about whether or not people will recognize me and tell me that I did a good job, and confirm to me that I'm in the right industry that I've lost experiences I could have had with my characters.
For example:
My senior year we did Beauty and the Beast. And it came down to me and 2 other girls for the role of Belle (one of my dream rolls). There was me, a sophmore (who I felt didn't have the right voice for Belle), and another senior (that wasn't as vocally strong as I was and the two of us didn't have the greatest history and it's a long story and not important). I thought I had the part in the bag, so did a lot of other people to be honest. I was the favorite I guess you could say. But at the end of the night, the director made the call and the other senior girl was cast as Belle and I was cast as Madame de la Grande Bouche (the wardrobe). I was pissed. Hoenstly I was. That was "my" role. It was going to be my spot, my perfect character. And I didn't get it. I was so bitter. For most of the rehearsal progress I was angry and upset and so lost as I was trying to portray this character (Madame) that was so outside what I normally played.
The show was great, and the girl who was Belle did a good job. And I did a good job. But at the end of the show, I looked back and realized how much I missed out on. I hadn't noticed that I was so angry during the rehearsal progress. I didn't realize that I was upset I had to play an "object" and be a goofy character--that I was worried how people would view me. But when the show ended I realized just how mediocre I had played my character and how unjust I had been to her. I was so focused on ME and how I looked and sounded that I didn't even bother with Madame as a character. I didn't put the same effort into her as I had my other "lead roles" that I had played.
But I'm learning, more and more, that theatre is about being committed to the mask--being committed to the character we are playing and their story that we are sharing. I shouldn't want the audience to be able to recognize me on stage or when I perform. I should want to be so devoted to my character that they see my face and don't recognize me.
It's going to take a lot of work on my part to be that "out there". I'm filled with so much doubt and insecurities, but I hope I can get there.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
When I first looked at my mask I found it to be really ugly. It looked so unhappy and pained to me I wanted to turn away. I then began to think more about the person that this mask was and what had happened and I began to get a "Hunchback of Notre Dome" vibe and the mask softened to me.
As I put the mask on for the first time, I was a little wary. I knew that this character had to become its own person but I couldn't help but throw all of my insecurities into the mask. I immediately gave this character a gimp leg and hunched over. At first I played her very weak. Weak and afraid. She was shy and didn't want a whole lot of anything to do with anyone. I knew that it was just me being afraid to be bold and put myself out there but I didn't really change anything.
Between that class and the next though, I spent a lot of time thinking about her and myself, how we were similar and how we were different. And it occurred to me that she was very strong. She had fears and doubts just like I did. She had a "handicap" so to speak. But unlike me, she didn't let it hold her back. She just accepted it and carried on, doing whatever the heck she felt like. She looked out for others and reached out to those who were lonely, like I try to do. But she succeeded in truly caring about everyone she met. I don't always do that. I try but I'm still human, and people still bug me. But she wasn't. She wasn't human, and she didn't have to deal with human faults. She didn't have to be bothered by people because that wasn't one of her traits, that was mine.
It was sort of surreal. But She just sort of made sense to me all of the sudden and for a moment I met the person I wanted to be.
And I decided then to let go of a lot of things. To try to at least. But most of all I decided to stop holding back, to stop letting my fears control everything; to stop doubting my talents and gifts. I decided to stop using my hips as an excuse. That one is proving more difficult though as they get continuously worse and more painful--I can only push so far. But I'm working on it.
Overall, it helped to prove a theory that I've been circulating through my mind. I shared it in class sort of, but it sounded...really lame actually, and I felt like everyone just looked at me like "duh courtney". But that doesn't matter in the end, it was my own personal break through. And here it is:
Theatre is not about me.
I know, brilliant right? ;)
But seriously, it's not. It's about the character I'm playing and their experiences. It's about how they interact with people and how they've learned to be who they are. Theatre is about telling a story to the most honest place I can. If that means I have to wear a strange costume or have a weird voice, that's what it means! Because that's who my character is. For so long I've always worried about how I look on stage and when I perform. I've been so concerned about whether or not people will recognize me and tell me that I did a good job, and confirm to me that I'm in the right industry that I've lost experiences I could have had with my characters.
For example:
My senior year we did Beauty and the Beast. And it came down to me and 2 other girls for the role of Belle (one of my dream rolls). There was me, a sophmore (who I felt didn't have the right voice for Belle), and another senior (that wasn't as vocally strong as I was and the two of us didn't have the greatest history and it's a long story and not important). I thought I had the part in the bag, so did a lot of other people to be honest. I was the favorite I guess you could say. But at the end of the night, the director made the call and the other senior girl was cast as Belle and I was cast as Madame de la Grande Bouche (the wardrobe). I was pissed. Hoenstly I was. That was "my" role. It was going to be my spot, my perfect character. And I didn't get it. I was so bitter. For most of the rehearsal progress I was angry and upset and so lost as I was trying to portray this character (Madame) that was so outside what I normally played.
The show was great, and the girl who was Belle did a good job. And I did a good job. But at the end of the show, I looked back and realized how much I missed out on. I hadn't noticed that I was so angry during the rehearsal progress. I didn't realize that I was upset I had to play an "object" and be a goofy character--that I was worried how people would view me. But when the show ended I realized just how mediocre I had played my character and how unjust I had been to her. I was so focused on ME and how I looked and sounded that I didn't even bother with Madame as a character. I didn't put the same effort into her as I had my other "lead roles" that I had played.
But I'm learning, more and more, that theatre is about being committed to the mask--being committed to the character we are playing and their story that we are sharing. I shouldn't want the audience to be able to recognize me on stage or when I perform. I should want to be so devoted to my character that they see my face and don't recognize me.
It's going to take a lot of work on my part to be that "out there". I'm filled with so much doubt and insecurities, but I hope I can get there.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
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