A Changed State of Mind

Today, I was watching an episode of "Lie to Me", where Cal, the main character, told one of his associates that she was destined for greater things but she would never feel ready for them. He went on to explain that it was because she still mentally viewed herself as the person she used to be, not who she was becoming in her heart, and that until she changed her mind, she would never succeed. And that hit me a lot harder than it should have in a lot of different ways. 

Let me explain. 


I just recently got married, October of last year to be exact, and I've been struggling a lot figuring out who I am, and what it means to be a wife and to truly put someones needs before your own. It's been extremely hard because i haven't ever truly found myself. and now I have to find myself and figure out who I am as an adult, and as a wife, at the SAME TIME. And that's hard. I'm trying to build my own opinions and thoughts and identity but so much of my husband influences every thought and moment of my life. 

And that's not a bad thing. 
I love my husband with allllll my heart. I don't know exactly how I lived life without him to be honest. It's very strange picturing what my life would be like right now without him. 

That being said. In my mind, I'm still that lost and confused 18 year old that left home for the first time a year and a half ago. I'm still that girl that cut ties with all of her high school friends; who left everyone behind to try and find herself, only to discover that she needed them all along; only to regret most of her 18 years; only to question every move she had ever made and every decision that had led her here, where there was no one. 

In my mind I'm immature and unskilled and undeserving of the goodness that is my life. And because I still see myself as who I used to be, I can't become who I want to be. I can't be the wife or the performer or the person I wish to be. 

In my heart lives a totally and completely different version of me. She is strong and confident and compassionate and a hard worker who can put others before herself without feeling cheated. I try every day to be that person, but I'm still holding myself back. My heart longs to be one person, but my mind is holding me back to who I used to be. 

With that, comes something that Peter Sham said to our acting 1 class my first semester in Fall of 2013: 

          "Let your willingness to be great overcome
                     your fear of failure."

That's something that has stuck with me every day since I heard those words. And it's my goal, to be better than my fears. To be able to throw myself into something without being afraid to fall. Or to fail. I'm trying to learn everything I can and be the very best out there. To work harder than anyone else, to be more prepared than anyone else; to want to be great more than anyone else. And to still be human inside of it all; to be humble and real and compassionate. 

This semester I really want to find myself and to work harder than I ever have before, to set my work ethic and credibility higher than it's ever been before. 

To let my willingness to be great, overcome my fear of failure. 

<3:CourtneyRae