Don't Be One of Them

The last day of my senior year, my theater teacher told me this, 

"There are enough people in this business to tell you 'no'. Don't be one of them."

He was quoting some professional actress from some interview, but he never remembered which one.

I've been thinking about that a lot recently. 

Right now, we all have the opportunity to work together. To grow and nurture our talents together. We get to sit in a classroom and present our work, and know that we are in a safe space. Surrounded by those who are also trying to become the very best that they can be. We know that in those classrooms we can get constructive criticism and get it politely.

But once we step outside of the doors of our SUU college education, that politeness and help and everything that we're used to vanishes. The big bright world that's out there waiting for us is not quite so bright. It's going to be hard to get work, because we'll have to be top of the game. we will be surrounded by people that will say no to our talents and abilities. 

So why do people have to be like that now?

There have been so many times that I just want to scream at everyone. Just scream that "I am a part of this theater department too!!" I feel like such an outsider,unwelcome and unneeded. I can't look anyone in the eye and say that I honestly believe I have real friends in this department. 

My thoughts are all over the place right now, I can't take what i'm feeling and put it into words. I mean...people are friendly to me. They will talk to me now and again. During rehearsal everyone is kind and will actually come up to me and talk to me. But on campus it's like no one really knows me or wants me around really. 

I came from 6 years of thinking the theatre department was supposed to be a big family, where people always had each others backs regardless of if you were best friends or not. But here? I don't feel a part of that. I can see it, I know it exists. But it's almost like...it exists around me. As if I'm standing in a glass box, and people can see me and talk to me, but I can't follow them or truly be a part of their lives because nobody wants a glass box in their way. 

And I know that this isn't high school anymore, and this kind of drama shouldn't be a problem. But seriously?!? I would really like to have some true and honest friends that invite me to things. It seems like everyone goes out except for me. And I get it: I'm married. But i need friends too. I like to go out for food after rehearsal. I like to have late nights and watch movies. 

It's not like I'm not trying either. For the last year and a 1/2, I have tried to make friends. I've done everything from inserting myself to conversations to following people around, to backing off and waiting for people to come talk to me...but it just doesn't seem to matter. I am so lonely inside of this department and I don't know how to handle it. 

There will be enough people out there in the world to shun us and tell us no and that we aren't good enough and that we should stop doing what we love to do--why don't people understand that? NOW is the time to band together and support each other and be a strong source of learning and growth. Not tearing each other down and ignoring each other. 

I get that everything is sort of a competition. I do. We're all after the same rolls and parts and experiences. But do we have to trash everyone around us in order to get there? I don't think we should have to. 

In class, whenever I perform or do anything, people seem to respect what I do and like it and tell me that i'm talented and people even tell me that they want to try and do some of the things that I do. But outside the classroom no one seems to want anything to do with me. 

"Always on the outside, 
Always looking in. 
Trying to b noticed;
and breakout from
withing

Never quite invited, 
Never quite missed. 
Needed on occasion
Yet easily Dismissed. 

Working for my big debut, 
from the shadows caused 
by you. 

Longing for the sun to 
shine
Before you've all left 
me behind."

I wrote that a few days ago when I was just super fed up with all this negativity I was feeling. And then I looked around me and noticed all the other people that get treated the same way as me. And I've tried to reach out more to them and to include others and try not to be so closed off as a lot of other people are. And it's been helpful, but I still just feel alone. 

I know this doesn't really have a lot to theater, or so it seems, but the moral of my thought process is this:

In this industry we're all just trying to do what we love and do it the best we can. And I think it's time to stop isolating people and start helping each other along. 


<3: CourtneyRae

A Changed State of Mind

Today, I was watching an episode of "Lie to Me", where Cal, the main character, told one of his associates that she was destined for greater things but she would never feel ready for them. He went on to explain that it was because she still mentally viewed herself as the person she used to be, not who she was becoming in her heart, and that until she changed her mind, she would never succeed. And that hit me a lot harder than it should have in a lot of different ways. 

Let me explain. 


I just recently got married, October of last year to be exact, and I've been struggling a lot figuring out who I am, and what it means to be a wife and to truly put someones needs before your own. It's been extremely hard because i haven't ever truly found myself. and now I have to find myself and figure out who I am as an adult, and as a wife, at the SAME TIME. And that's hard. I'm trying to build my own opinions and thoughts and identity but so much of my husband influences every thought and moment of my life. 

And that's not a bad thing. 
I love my husband with allllll my heart. I don't know exactly how I lived life without him to be honest. It's very strange picturing what my life would be like right now without him. 

That being said. In my mind, I'm still that lost and confused 18 year old that left home for the first time a year and a half ago. I'm still that girl that cut ties with all of her high school friends; who left everyone behind to try and find herself, only to discover that she needed them all along; only to regret most of her 18 years; only to question every move she had ever made and every decision that had led her here, where there was no one. 

In my mind I'm immature and unskilled and undeserving of the goodness that is my life. And because I still see myself as who I used to be, I can't become who I want to be. I can't be the wife or the performer or the person I wish to be. 

In my heart lives a totally and completely different version of me. She is strong and confident and compassionate and a hard worker who can put others before herself without feeling cheated. I try every day to be that person, but I'm still holding myself back. My heart longs to be one person, but my mind is holding me back to who I used to be. 

With that, comes something that Peter Sham said to our acting 1 class my first semester in Fall of 2013: 

          "Let your willingness to be great overcome
                     your fear of failure."

That's something that has stuck with me every day since I heard those words. And it's my goal, to be better than my fears. To be able to throw myself into something without being afraid to fall. Or to fail. I'm trying to learn everything I can and be the very best out there. To work harder than anyone else, to be more prepared than anyone else; to want to be great more than anyone else. And to still be human inside of it all; to be humble and real and compassionate. 

This semester I really want to find myself and to work harder than I ever have before, to set my work ethic and credibility higher than it's ever been before. 

To let my willingness to be great, overcome my fear of failure. 

<3:CourtneyRae