Invisible Instruments

I have a beautiful instrument. 
And It's not visible to me. 
I can hear it. 
Sometimes I can even feel it. 
But I can't see it. 

yep. 
It's my 
Voice. 

This year I have worked so hard on  placement and expanding my range and I really feel like I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was last year. I'm proud of where I am even though I am still full of doubts and questions of "Does this acutally sound good? Is this actually healthy? Can I actually do this for the rest of my life?"

In Rent Melinda gave me the Season of Love solo. And at the very of the song, my solo jumps from a C5 to a High C (C6) which has been waaaaay out of my range until this past semester. And as I've been practicing (my butt of mind you) I can confidently say that that note is in my pocket. It may not be super strong or have a lot of ring or vibratto to it, but it's there. 

Until I step on stage and sing my solo. 
Then it's gone. 
Just
gone. 

And I'm getting so sick of it! 

Tonight was opening night (another entry in and of itself:) and I was stoked. I knew I had my solo, I was determined to just enjoy it and live in it. Because guess what? 

When we're all rocking out at the end of the show during bows, I can hit it just fine. It's totally fine! So I thought, "maybe I just get too worried during the first one and the second one is easier because we're all rocking out". So tonight I let go. I didn't feel nervous or scared or anything. I was having a blast and I was so excited and then

I took a breath to hit my high notes and nothing came out.
Just a crack in my voice. 
And a dry throat. 

And then, from the distance, a small and shallow high C finally found its way to my voice. 

I get so frustrated when stuff like this happens. And maybe that's part of it. Idk. I really don't know what happened tonight and I don't know what to do about it. I  feel like I'm letting the whole cast down and worst of all: Melinda. Our incredible director who has been right there alongside us through this whole process. And that's the worst feeling in the whole world.

It would be so much easier if I could just see my instrument. If I could see my vocal chords and how things are being placed and moving around...it's so hard not to be able to see what's going on.

I guess I'll keep you posted on how things go...

<3: CourtneyRae<3