The "Real" World

About a month ago, I auditioned for Tuacahn's summer stock productions (Peter Pan, Tarzan, and Hunchback of Notre Dame). It was technically my first "real world" audition (if you don't include my audition for USF internship program). 

After reading the online character break downs, I had it in my head that I was a perfect candidate to play Wendy Darling in Peter Pan. Online it said that they were going to cast an adult around my age, that she only needed to move well (bonus) and that she needed to be no taller than 5'3". Which, I'm technically 5'5" so i made sure to wear flats and did my best to dress for the character. I wore a pale pink dress and my hair was in fancy pigtails. I tried to look as young and as youthful as I possibly could. I had thought about my audition for weeks and had finally decided to sing "Astonishing" from Little Women (as apposed to "Might as Well Be Spring" from Fair Ground or whatever it's called) because it could potentially show off my voice rather well. 

My audition went pretty great. But for some unknown reason, I had it in my head that I was going to get a call back because "how could I not?". I had played Wendy before, I had experience with a fly system...I thought I had it all figured out. But I finished singing and wasn't extended a callback. 

PAUSE

Now, you have to know that I didn't ever really want to go work at Tuacahn. I'm not a huge fan of the fact that they tend to place spectacle and effects before the actual story-telling. But I really don't want to move away from Kollin for the summer and Tuacahn is one of the 3 places I could've worked that are relatively close. There's: USF, The Neil Simon Festival, and Tuacahn. It would be a great experience to work with Tuacahn, but I haven't ever been one of those "I have to work with them or I will die!" kind of people. 

PLAY

I brushed it off, thinking that they just wanted to see everyone move and dance and such before handing out callbacks but then several people were given sides right after they sang. But I kept telling myself that they just needed to see me dance first and then I would get a callback. 

Again, I don't have a clue why I thought I would. I really don't. I guess for some reason I just assumed that I would be hired right out of the gate. I don't know. 

Anyhow. 

The dance audition began and they split us up into "dancers" and "movers". I was part of the mover group. The routine was quite simple. But because it was an audition, of course I got in my own brain and made it a lot more difficult than it needed to be. So I had to work at it a lot more than I should've had to. 

I felt that I did a really good job though, when it came down to our performances. I walked away feeling good about the work I had done (even though I didn't receive a callback). The only thing: I was extremely discouraged. 

I watched the "dancers" routine in envy because I cannot dance like that to save my life. I want to be able to...I really do. I wished with all of my heart that I could just throw myself into dance with every fiber of my being and just "be good" at it. I wished my body would just be flexible and just move that way. I wished my hips weren't screwed up and I wished that I could get the MRI's I need in order to start fixing the problem...I drove home with all those thoughts swirling around in my head. 

At some point I was talking to Carly about it all and she was telling me about a conversation she had with an SUU alum that worked with them last summer and he told her that Tuacahn really just wants people who are strong dancers. And that's a little disheartening...but I guess it is what it is. 

Anyhow. 

I'm not really sure what the point of this entry is. Auditioning for Tuacahn reiterated to me that I really need to learn how to dance. Which means I really need to figure out what's wrong with my hips. So...that's good I guess. It reminded me that there is always room for improvement and that there are things I need I need to be working on and consistently improving. I just don't exactly know where to start. I guess. I don't know. 

Auditioning is scary but it doesn't really scare me. That makes just about zero sense I know. But singing in front of people doesn't really bother me...dancing in front of people bothers me...I think that's why it's scary for me. But hopefully I'll be able to throw myself into becoming more fit and healthy and flexible and a dancer just as soon as I figure out what's wrong with my hips. 

The "real world" is out there. And I'm not really ready for it. Not yet...at least I don't feel like I am. I'm used to auditioning for people who know me and know my talents. But out there? Out in the "real world"? No one knows who I am or what I can do. I only have that audition to show them. I only have a few moments and I have to give it everything I've got. Which is honestly a little scarier than I thought...

<3: CourtneyRae<3

Ignorance is Bliss?

Hello! 

Wow, it has been quite some time...don't I always say that though? ;) Trying to keep a blog about all things theatre in my life as well as write in a journal about all things...about my life gets a little insane sometimes and the battle of trying to keep them both updated gets a little insane. 

But I'm back! 

When I started this post, I was going to publish it last semester in November. It was all about how I had talked with Melinda about my Rent audition and what I had learned. And I still want to touch on that. Still want to talk about it. It just feels like forever away and I almost don't know how to even start. 

But I guess we'll just dive right in. 

When I wasn't cast as a lead in Rent I was really upset. I wrote about it in the blog and I got all the nasty feelings out of the way and wrote them all down and I thought that that meant I was automatically better; that I wouldn't be hurt anymore. 

But that wasn't the case. 

I thought that maybe I just needed to let it go. That maybe I just needed to except that I was too "Utah" to do anything this edgy or 'real life'. I thought I could come up with my own reasons and be just fine. 

But that also wasn't the case.

So I decided to talk to Melinda, the director. Which I was super hesitant about at first because I didn't know what to expect from her. She had always given me compliments and told me how talented I was but then, when given the opportunity to be in a show that was right up my alley, I wasn't cast as a lead. So I was nervous to say the least.  

PAUSE
I always feel guilty about complaining when I don't get cast as a lead. I really do. There are so many talented people who audition for shows who don't even get cast and I have the nerve to be upset that I'm in the ensemble?!? Sounds a little twisted and super high and mighty of me. But I truly honestly felt like this year was going to be my year to shine and it just hasn't really been that way. Anyhow. 
PLAY

Melinda is incredible. When I walked up to her during a Next to Normal rehearsal, she was smiley and kind and she really helped me understand why the show had been cast the way it was. Here's what I learned:

First of all: I had an amazing audition. I came in and was unafraid and I tackled the audition.

But when it came to the callbacks? I came across timid. I didn't attack the callback like I should have. I played it safe. And Melinda wasn't looking for people that she had to "pull the fire out of". She wanted people who were there and who were ready to tackle this show. And honestly I wasn't sure if I was. And it showed. The dance callback was a whole other situation. I played it safe. Which...of course I did. I still have no idea what's wrong with my hips (which sucks) and it's hard to throw my whole heart and soul into dancing when I have a very distinct and very low breaking point. There isn't a whole lot I can do without pain and discomfort. And when it really came down to it, I simply didn't fit the show in a way that the leads should have. 

Long Story short: I got in my own way. 

Now, as I think back to how I felt immediately after my chat with Melinda, I remember wondering, "Do I wish I hadn't asked?". I was beating myself up pretty badly after our talk. My mind was a swimming mass of: "If I had only"s and "I wish I would have"s.

A few minutes after our chat, my mind was swimming in: "Now what"s and "How do I change that"s. 

PAUSE
At this point, there are a few things you should know about me. 

I hate callbacks. HATE them. They make me feel small, untalented and invisible. Auditions? I love them. I can walk in tall, fully confident in my talents and abilities. I can walk in there knowing that "they have a problem and I am the solution" (so to speak) and I can nail an audition. But callbacks? Man! If I walk into callbacks feeling confident and talented and at ease, I instantly feel like a terrible human being. Who am I to think that I am "better" than anyone else? Who am I to think that I am more "talented" than anyone else? All of the sudden I'm surrounded by talented people who went through the same audition I did and I feel like I can't be proud of who I am. I feel like I have to hide and blend in because no body wants an airhead. No one wants a diva. 

It's so frustrating. 
PLAY

Some people say that ignorance is bliss. That not knowing will make you happier or help you be less stressed or whatever. But to those people I have to say: 
WAKE UP!!
Do you really want to spend your whole life not knowing something that could have helped you grow or made you a better person? Something that could've changed your whole entire outlook on life?

Hearing Melinda tell me (in different and many more words) that I got in my own way was like a slap to the face from reality. It was like someone woke me up by throwing a cold bucket of water on my face. 

I realized in those moments following our conversation that the time to be embarrassed of my talents and hard work was gone; that it never should have existed in the first place. I am talented. I have been blessed in my life to have incredible teachers and parents and friends who have helped me and supported me and help me grow. I'm a junior now. I am auditioning for real theatre companies like USF and Tuacahn. This is the real deal. I can't walk around trying to please everyone and make people feel like I'm not talented enough to be a threat. I can't do it anymore. 

I am talented. 
I am working my butt off to be a part of this world (cheesy flashback to "The Little Mermaid" haha)and it's about time that I took pride in the work that I am doing. 

I can no longer sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. The time has come for me to fight for this with everything I've got. 

I AM a threat. 

And I am coming. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

Plunging Back Into Real Life

Well I'm back! 

It's been a while no? 

Well, I got back from Page, Arizona and started school the following day. It was insane. Trying to unpack and organize our new apartment at the same time while trying to fix my school schedule and catching up with friends...Not to mention that rehearsals for Hamlet started almost simultaneously. 

Hamlet was an incredible experience! I was part of the last night show that will ever take place on the Adams Memorial Shakespeare Theatre and that is a pretty fantastic thing. Peter Sham, the director, had this cool idea to "gender swap" the show once he saw in rehearsals just how many talented senior girls there are. So Hamlet, Horatio, Claudius, Laertes, Fortinbras, Marcellous, Bernardo, and Francisco were all females and Ophelia and Gertrude we men. Most of the other roles were the same as they usually are though. 

Anyhow. 

We created this matriarchal society where the women didn't act manly, but were vikings and warriors. It was a really cool experience. 

I was added to the cast at the end of last year (I hadn't auditioned) and I had felt like they added me to the cast because they felt bad I hadn't been cast in Next to Normal. But I said thank you and then waited all summer for the script. I was cast as Francisco, a Denmark Soldier; A Player; and one of Fortinbras' soldiers at the very end. I had 4 complete hair, costume, and makeup changes because I went from Francisco to the Player back to Francisco then to Fortinbras' soldier. It was insane! But sooooo fun=] 

The other really cool thing that we did in our performance was the play within the play. Usually that scene is just kinda small and "oh look that person is poisoning the king (in our case queen)" but Peter decided that he wanted to make it a mini rock musical. It was so cool! It was the first time I had the chance to really sing in front of an audience at SUU. I got to belt and mix and sing really high notes and then once the play was over and the queen said "give me some lights! Away!" everyone shouted "lights" and we all ran off stage and all the lights came up and that was the end of Act1. It would be silent for a moment, and then the audience would erupt in screams and applause. It was such an adrenaline rush and I loved every moment of that show. 

Since I got back, I have done one whole show, and auditioned for 4: Utah Shakespeare Festival, SUU's Toyland, SUU's You Can't Take it With You (hereafter reffered to as: YCTIWY), and SUU's Rent. 

I was cast in Toyland (which is a Peter and Kirsten Sham original) as the Mom. Which, "yay I was cast in a musical!" but like...really this show seems so strange and I'm hardly in it at all so...victory but not exactly. 

USF went ok. I had a major cold and cold hardly sing and so I felt like I did a poor job. But Melinda Vaughn had told me that I would be on e of the strongest voices in not THEE strongest voice that they heard from the students that auditioned. So I felt like I kind of let her down. 

YCTIWY and Rent were these last two days. I auditioned for both and I walked out of that audition copmletely satisfied and happy with the audition I gave. I sang 16 measures of "Dogfight" from Dogfight and a monologue from a play called Beau Jest. It went great! 

The next morning the callbacks came out. I didn't get called back for YCTIWY but I did get called back for Rent. I was stoked.

We had the dance callbacks first. Which, I know I'm not a great dancer but I try really hard and I'm about average. After that all 50 of us went back up campus to the black box to start the singing portion of it all. 

The first thing Melinda (the director to be) had us do was sing a part of "Seasons of Love" as a group. Then we all went out and practiced and she told us to do whatever we wanted, to riff and wail like crazy. But she warned us that she was looking for proper placement above everything. Then we went back into the room in small groups, sang it all together the way it was written, and then we sang it one at a time with our own flavor and spin to it. 

What ended up coming out of my voice was not what I had planned or practiced and I messed up the timing at the end. So it wasn't great. But after everyone had gone they started to split us up to sing for characters. 

The first side that I was given was for the mom, singing the little bit that she leaves on the answering machine. Honestly my first thought was, "if they cast me as a mom in another musical I'm going to be pissed". This was my show. I was meant to be in Rent. That is my voice style that was my strong suit, I hadn't been cast as a lead in anything and this was supposed to be my show. 

A few minutes later as we're all standing in line to sing it one by one, I'm handed a side for Mimi. Not a character I thought I'd play, but I wasn't going to complain. Then, I went in and sang the mom bit, messed up a note and took the time to correct it, and walked out. 

After that they focused on the guys for a long time. We all sort of sat around and practiced our sides. A handful of my friends that are part of Next to Normal were supposed to have rehearsal that night but callbacks were going long and eventually the stage manager stomped through the door, said something to Melinda, then stomped back out and told all the NtoN cast that they were released and needed to go to rehearsal. Which was outrageous because it jipped them of opportunities and Melinda of hearing more of them. I was really mad and upset for them but sort of thinking, "you are in NtoN. You're in the other rock musical. You shouldn't be cast in both". Which I felt bad for but it's the truth. 

About 30-45 minutes passed, I run to the bathroom for a minute and when I come back, they've handed out new Mimi sides, her main solo to be exact. But when I came back upstairs and looked right at the assistant director, he didn't hand me anything. Which I knew was a bad sign. And maybe I should've said something. But I wasn't going to "be that guy" that asks "where's mine? shouldn't I have one?" ya know? Well, another 10 minutes go by and they hand out some more sides, none of which I get. And then the AD comes out and says, "If I don't read your name you are free to go" and then he reads of about 10 names. None of which were mine. My heart broke. I wanted to ask him "are you sure? Melinda isn't going to hear me sing for any of the characters? are you sure?" but he just said "thank you everyone for coming tonight" and I left.

I was furious. 
Melinda Vaughn was going to tell me that I was one of if not the best voice USF was going to hear but then she wasn't going to even give me a chance to sing for her? She had kept me there all night, keeping me through the first cut so "obviously" she wanted to hear more from me but then she didn't give me the chance? What was that all  about? 

I went home just bawling. When I left, Tammi (who I'd been talking with about Rent, and how we felt about who should be cast, for the last 2 ish weeks) came over and hugged me and told me she loved me and I about broke and started crying then. But instead I just turned the radio up really loud and cried on the way home. I walked past Kollin up to our bedroom without saying anything really and he came up and asked me what was wrong and I just fell apart in his arms. I was so mad. I'm still mad to be honest. I slept restlessly that night and woke up with a nasty crick in my neck after dreaming about floating cast lists. 

The most frustrating part of the whole thing, is that there were only 4 girls asked to stay. 2 of them were BFA juniors that I really wanted to get cast because they haven't had leads in anything either and are in my same boat of having been jipped thus far of roles we should've got, but the other 2? One of them was a girl who is horrible to work with because she is terrible to people and the other was a lower class man. I should've been in that group. I should've. It should be me, a musical theatre BFA, and the other 2 BFA's getting cast in this show. But my chances were slime to none. 

I'm pissed.
This year was supposed to be my year. I should've been in Next to Normal, but no. Peter said he had to cast the "educational theatre Natalie" and that he couldn't cast me, "the professional theatre Natalie" and then he turned around and told the complete opposite to one of my dear friends who was up for the Dad and now plays the Doctors. He told me that he "Brittany was a senior so she was going to get the role over me because I'm a junior". He reassured and reassured me that I would be cast in Rent. And maybe if he had been there I would've stayed. Maybe I just wasn't risky enough. Maybe my placement wasn't as spot on as it can be. I don't know. That's all I could think about that night: what I could've, should've done differently. 

The next morning, Friday morning, I worked in the office*, anxiously awaiting the cast list. Then at 10:30 Andrew came in to cover for me while I ran to costume construction. 

Class passed slowly and then, half way through, Tammi got really excited. The cast list had been sent out. She sent it to me and I read over it. I was in the ensemble. Tammi was cast as Mimi and Jordyn was Maureen and a name I didn't recognize was Joanne. I was really disappointed. 

Kade, who is assistant directing, was sitting next to me and nudged me and his face was smiling wide and was asking if I was excited. I shook my head and told him I wasn't happy about it at all. He nodded and said he understood and that he wanted to talk for a bit after class. 

So class ends early and I hug Tammi and ask who the girl is that I don't recognize and she tells me that she is a freshman. 

A freshman. 
And my hate-fire exploded. 

Kade walks with me out to my car. All the while I'm crying and explaining how upset I am that a freshman has been cast. Explaining that she still has 4+ years at SUU and that her chances of being cast as a lead in a rock musical are still really high because SUU will most likely do another handful of them. But mine? I'm only going to be here for another year-year and a half and what are the odds of doing another rock musical season? Slim to none. 

Kade told me that I was completely justified in what I was feeling. He told me to accept it all and let myself feel it. He told me not to smother it because that wouldn't do any good. He told me that I was crazy talented. He told me that not being cast had nothing to do with my talents and abilities. 

I told him that I had been so sure of where and how I fit into our department with the talents and abilities that I have and now it feels like everything has shattered beneath me and I am unsure of everything now. I'm surrounded by professors who are so kind and work so hard with me and compliment me and tell me I"m so talented and that I'll have work outside of school and that I'll have countless opportunities but when they have the opportunity to cast me and to work with me they don't take it. They shy away from it and then cast me ins something random like Toyland or the ensemble of Hamlet to make me feel better about not being cast as a lead in anything. 

I told him that I knew I probably didn't "bring it" as much as I should have. I told him that I knew I probably could've taken bigger risk and that I could understand that. 

Kade told me that he could lie to anyone else, that he would lie to anyone else, but not to me. He told me that I did bring it. He told me that my audition was soooo spot on. He told me that I sounded so good and that there was literally nothing else I could've done. He told me that I was being seriously considered but in the end I just didn't fit and that it was nothing personal. 

And the girl that was cast is talented. There is NO denying that she is. She looks the part, she is fierce, she will do incredible. I know she will. 

But still.

Right before Kade left and I got in my car, he told me that he knew I was going to pick myself up; that I was going to get past this and that I was going to do incredible things even if I didn't know it yet. He told me to turn my emotions into passion, to let them fuel my desire to be better. He told me to take my hate-fire and let it drive me forward; that we are artists and that that's what we do. we take our angers and frustrations and disappointments and let them fuel our work; that we get by and grow and get better. 

It was refreshing to be honest. But I still felt the anger bubbling inside me. I didn't know how to get past it. All I knew was that my year to be a lead in a musical just passed me by and I was furious.

That night when Kollin got back from work my anger sort of leaked out all over him and I felt horrible. But we went on a date-something we hadn't done in a long time since I had been so busy with rehearsals and shows and would continue to be so for the rest of this year and next semester...so we went to Staheli corn maize in St. George with our best friend Steve and his girlfriend EmmaLee. 

It was so good to bet out of the house. It truly was. We laughed and got rained on and enjoyed the night. The three of them went through the haunted corn maize after all of us walked through the regular one. Then we went through the petting zoo and I just felt a weight lift from my shoulders. 

I was still angry. 
I am still angry. I'm still upset. But I think more than anything I just want to talk to Melinda about what I could've done or about what I can do to work harder and be better. 

I emailed her and asked if we could meet after Fall Break on like Wednesday and I haven't heard back from her yet, but I'm not feeling quite so terrible about it. I just want to know why ya know? Besides, it's not her fault that Peter plays games and strings us all along. It's not her fault that she actually casts shows and gives the roles to those who will best fulfill them and Peter gives it to whoever he wants and plays the "educational theatre" card whenever it suits him best. It's not her fault. 

I can honestly say that I am SOOO excited to be a part of this show, to work with everyone. I truly am. It's going to be hard. Just like being a body double for NtoN is hard. But with Rent I am going to work harder than I have ever worked in my whole lie. I am going to perfect my Mix Voice placement and find my inner fierce-ness and find the woman in me. I'm going to do it. 

I am going to be the strongest ensemble member that anyone has ever seen. 

Just watch me. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

You Can Go Anywhere From Page

Wow it has been forever...

I've been here in Page, Arizona for 2 months now (hard to believe)and it has been quite a journey and learning experience. 

When I first got here, we had an "opening social" so to speak, and read through each of the shows and just talked briefly about each one and what we thought and OH!! I guess I should say: we are doing Oklahoma!  and Heart of the West (an original short musical written by Nate about some of the people around during the time of the discovery and exploration of the Colorado river and John Wesley Powell). Anyhow, we got talking with Nate Marble(the director)'s father and he said something that I thought was very profound. He said, "You can go anywhere from Page". Let me give you context. 

He was telling us how Page is sort of on the edge of trying to decide what it wants to be: a rural-ish town or a touristy town. But it's in such a unique place because it is surrounded by the beauty of the world and things to do. Like raft down the river or drive to Bryce or Zions or the Coral Pink Sand Dunes: it's just surrounded by adventures. 

And to add to that, Nate was telling us how he wants the Playhouse to be a jumping off point for people. He wants it to be a place where people can learn more and grow more and then carry on to bigger and better things. 

So if you put the two together, that's what hit me so hard: I can go anywhere from Page. 

Page is surrounded by opportunity on all sides and this is my jumping off point. There are incredible things ahead of me. Incredible opportunities and who even knows what the future brings? WHO EVEN KNOWS! =] But this is how it starts isn't it? I may not have constant and consistent work, and it's a rough road full of mostly set backs and disappointments, but these experiences are the ones I have to hold on to. Aren't they? 

YES! They are.

So hold on to them I will. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

The Journey So Far

Just and FYI: the main purpose behind this blog was for a class. My Musical Theater Professor, Melinda Vaughn, assigned us to create a blog and journal about our theatrical experiences during the time that we were in her class. But as I've continued to write, I've decided that I'm going to keep up this blog for...hopefully ever. To keep a record of all my experiences and lessons I've learned.  Just thought I'd explain ;)


So. Here we are at the end of the semester. My last blog post for credit for my class. I've read back on my posts and there's a lot of negativity and frustration and stress. Sure I always tried to find a way to twist it in a positive way and record what I learned and how it applied to my life, but still--that's a lot of negative thoughts to have in one semester.

Melinda reads our posts on Sundays, which is usually when I write so we sort of play "catch up". She read my post about finding my own measure of success and Next to Normal Auditions and such and she sent me this email:


"Courtney, 
    
    I must have read the blogs last just before as you posted because I hadn't seen your last post until this afternoon. I want to echo Mr. Shelley in the advice to decide on your own measure of success. NtoN is a distraction. Casting in college is a distraction. Casting in life is a distraction--I wish I could tell you it changes when you graduate, but it is just new and newer versions of the same old thing. 
    But, I challenge you to sit down before you go to bed, and make a list of all of YOUR accomplishments this year...and i could go on and on in just the few things I have seen. To hell with what people have said to you. I want you to put your head on your pillow sometime in the next few nights, feeling at peace that where you decide you have grown and succeeded, nobody can rob you of that. Take in your life as a whole--not just the work, because I want you to consider that it is the whole that counts
     I love your candor in these blogs. No need to sensor yourself for me. Keep working out those thoughts and feelings, and let yourself think and feel them so you can find a place for them. If it is worth anything to you, not that it should anymore than the negative comments, you ARE growing. You DO have something very special, and it is not only your voice, and I want you to block out the noise so you can continue growing. 
              Be Well, 
               Melinda"

I read this email and it brought me to tears. I felt like she had somehow read my inner-mind and found every word ot calm my fears and doubts. It was incredible. But I didn't write about my success or personal victory's or growth then because the year wasn't over. But here we are, and I thinkg it is WAAAAAAY passed time to write about the positive moments and lessons I learned from this semester. 

This semester was unexpected. I learned that I am not solidly confident in all of my talents and abilities. I learned that I still rely on what other people think. I used to be really good at shutting everyone out and just listening to my heart and what I thought. But this semester that wasn't good enough for me. In the beginning it was. But then Next to Normal auditions happened and that was a rude awakening. I came from a high school performing experience where I was always a lead. I always had lines and I always had solos and I was always cast in one way or another in every show. That was what I did. And then I came to college and didn't get into anything until I made ensemble for Fiddler and was humbled and reminded that every character of a story is just as important as the leads are. I found beauty in the ensemble of the department or a time but I longed for so much more. I could feel my potential and my dreams boiling up inside me, waiting to break out; waiting to be free. But I just never took nor received the opporunities to share them how I wanted. And the NtoN came about and I felt that for sure I would get the chance. Peter told me to my face that I was his dream "Natalie". And then he told me that he was casting someone else and that shattered my whole universe and from there I sort of just slid and kept sliding. It was hard to find the motivation to keep going and keep trying because I felt that during the time of my life I should be getting the most feedback, help, and opportunities, I just wasn't getting them. I began to question if I was in the right field and doing the right thing. I worried that I was becoming "just a pretty voice"; that my acting sucked and that my dancing would never get better. I was afraid of failure and I was afraid of everything. I was trying to find myself and discover who I was as an actress and performer and wife and human being. I'm 20 years old and I don't have it all together yet. SURPRISE!! ha. as if that surprised anyone. I felt like a complete outsider and unwelcome outside of classes and school functions; felt completely alone and small and insignificant and just...everything a 20 year old woman goes through while trying to find herself. 

And then the semester ended and I've been able to look back and remember the positive moments and exciting moments and all the things that I have learned this semester.

I learned that I don't just want to be a high school teacher. I learned that I am talented and that I do have the potential to perform on stage and teach college students and raise a family--it's all out there just waiting for the taking. And I learned that if that's what I want, all I have to do is reach out and take it. 

I learned that I don't have to have it all together yet. My dad kindly reminded me that no 20 year old, newly married anyone has it all together. I don't have to know how to balance school AND work AND married life AND being 20 AND theatre all at the same time yet. IT'S OK!!=]

I put myself out there and auditioned for every summer stock opportunity I could, even though I was terrified I wasn't good enough and that no one would want me, and I learned that there is always something to learn from an audition experience. And someone outside SUU saw my performance and saw my potential and wated to work with me. AND I crushed a dance audition!! I made it through the elimination round and I was able to hold my head up high and feel confident in the work I had laid out on the floor. SUCK IT! hahaha I may not be a brilliant dancer yet, but there is a dancer in this soul and she is finding her feet more and more every day=] 

I learned how to deconstruct and find meaning in a song. It opened so many doors and avenues as to how to deal with characters and make choices. 

I discovered that I suck at letting people in and that it shows through in my acting. I am afraid to be vulnerable and yet it is something that I strive for with every performance. 

I learned that there is a woman inside me who is proud of who she is and what she does; a woman that can accept her body and isn't embarrassed about making it move; a woman that is longing to come out and show the world what she is made of; a woman who is being hidden by a little girl who lost her confidence. 

I learned a lot about the sort of person I want to be in the wolrd of theatre. I saw the true colors of some of the people I respect the very most and vowed to never be that way and talk about people like that. 

I auditioned for my dream role and gave it every ounce of strength and courage I had. I showed the upper classman that I am not just some invisible sophomore. I showed them that I EARNED my way into the BFA just like everyone else had to and that just because I was a freshman when I did didn't mean anything. I provved to them that I have a voice and a presence to be reckoned with. I walked out of my audition and callback with my head held high, knowing that I did everything I could've possibly done. 

I learned that there are countless opportunities to perform and that the only reason I felt I wasn't getting them was because I'm not taking them. I've now made a promise to myself to audition for everything; to participate in every SUU live next year and the years to come. 

I learned the pains of saying goodbye to dear friends who are graduating and moving on. 

I learned what real progress looks and sounds like. 

I learned 3--COUNT 'EM!!: 3!-- difficult dance routines and didn't suck that bad. I actually got better. Things actually clicked for me. 

I broke down twice in front of my voice instructor and learned that it's ok to admit you've bitten off more than you can chew. 

I have learned that the stakes can always be higher and that more often than not you just have to "light a fire under your ass".

I learned that I can't sing some vowels and that all I have to do is modulate them to find that sweet spot. 

I learned how to more deeply love my husband while going through job loss and ER visits and pregnancy scares.

I've learned that I can be vulnerable I just have to be willing to go there; I just have to trust my fellow students. I HAVE to learn to trust them with myself and the broken, uncertain, and doubting pieces of who I am. 

I learned that my professors don't think I'm "just a pretty voice". They see my potential and want to help give me opportunities to help me find the woman within. 

I learned the true meaning behind the phrase "you are always auditioning" as I was told at my BFA jury that they wanted to add me into Hamlet this fall. They told me that I carry myself extremely well and my voice is progressing and when I read in class I have a presence but when I act I get super nervous and fall into "little-girl" habits. But because of the other things I'm good at I somehow earned my way into Hamlet.  

I leanred not to take myself so seriously. As long as my passion is in the right place I can do anything. But I've got to open my eyes and enjoy the ride. 

I have learned so much this semester and I consider every one of these lessons and accomplishment. I have so much more to learn and apply and I'm really excited. 

I'm spending the summer performing in Page, AZ. I'M GETTING PAID TO DO WHAT I LOVE!!! How does this happen?! Who gets to do that?! Am I scared out of my mind?? You better believe it. I've never been in 2 shows at once and had to learn everything and put on a show in 4 weeks. I'm scared to high heavens. But you know something else I learned/was reminded of this semester?? I can memorize lines really fast when I need/need to. It's super handy, let me tell ya. 

This summer is going to be really hard for a lot of reasons, mostly including the fact that I'll be moving out for the next 4 months and be away from Kollin. I knew it would come to this and that this is the life we signed up for but it's still hard and surreal. I haven't started packing yet because of that and I leave this wednesday--2 days! HA! 

Now i'm just rambling because I don't really want to say "goodbye" for the semester. It won't really be a goodbye--I'm going to keep writing about what I'm learning and I hope you'll keep reading all about what i"m learning on this incredible journey. I have chosen the journey of a life-time an there is nothing I want to do more than to tell the raw stories of humanity. 

If there is anything I have re-learned this semester it is this:
  "Let your willingness to be great overcome your fear of failure"

Thank you Melinda, for everything this semester. There are not enough words to express my gratitude for all that you have taught me this semester. I truly hope I get the opportunity to work with you again and wish you many a broken leg this summer! =]

To everyone else out there who has been reading and following me on my journey remember to

<3: CourtneyRae<3

The Ensembles of the Department

Tonight I was able to go and watch some crazy talented people perform in the BFA showcase. It was a little bitter sweet sitting in the audience when I wished I could've been on stage with all of them. But at the end of the night I was ecstatic that I had been able to be in the audience. To see how each and every one of them has progressed this year and grown is amazing. The talent in this department just blows my mind. I am continuously humbled and blown away. 


This department of SUU's is made up of the most talented people I've met. It's truly humbling to work with them all. But at the same time it is overwhelmingly obnoxious at times. The reason being that the same handful of people get recognized and praised. And please don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying they don't deserve it. They are incredible and they work hard just like everyone else. 

But there are those who are working harder and overcoming challenges that others aren't facing and they are fading into the background; unnoticed. For example:

In my dance for musical theater class are 4 of these crazy talented people that always get praised and recognized. They are extremely talented and humble about it. But in that class are a lot of other people that are working their butts off and no one seems to care. When we split into groups and perform for each other, those same 4 are always pointed out. But I watch those that aren't. And they are amazing. I have seen people grow in more ways than I can count this semester and I wish that someone else could see it. 

There's Amber and Brooklyn. Both of them doubt themselves harshly. They tend to shake their heads and give up early. At least they did towards the beginning of the semester. But now? Here at the end? They have grown so much and I have seen their confidence grow with them. They smile more and they laugh and they're able to perform at a higher caliber than they could when the semester began. In our musical theater class Amber could hardly get through her first song without crying. She told us that she really hates singing and that it's really hard for her. But then, just last week, she sang her final performance of her singers choice piece and it was like a whole new girl had stepped onto that stage. 

There's Carly and Brittany and Hannah. The 3 of them are goofballs and I love them all. They bring so much character into their dancing and even if they mess up, they smile and shrug it off and pick right back off as if nothing happened. Not many can do that. 

There's Elisa. She is fearless. She commits so readily to the material given to her. She dives right in without worrying what other people will think or say. She's brilliant and funny and kind hearted. 

There's Madeline. She's fierce and she doesn't know the word "can't". She puts everything she has into what she's doing and while she says "it doesn't look pretty but it'll do" she never stops trying and improving. 

There's Jordan. He is a crazy talented dancer. He makes these little faces when he dances, their perfectly matched character wise, and it just takes his dancing that much higher. He is sharp and on point and learns quickly. 

There's Tom. The crazy Australian. Sometimes it seems like he isn't trying and that he doesn't care. But he does. He works really hard and when he really puts his mind to it, his singing and his dancing is beautiful. 

There's Lazaar. The-ginger-who-played-Lazaar-Wolf-in-Fiddler-who's-name-suddenly-erased-itself-from-my-brain. He's tall, very tall. And you wouldn't think that he can move as nimbly as someone of a slightly shorter stature, but he is quick. He is on top of what he's doing and he attacks it with strength and pizazz.   

There's Brooke. She's a dancer at heart who decided to check out what the musical theater side of life was all about. She puts up with our craziness and she blends right in. She is talented and hits every line beautifully. Just as you would expect a dancer to do. 

Then there's Alec, Luke, Tami and Tiffany. They are flawless and talented and spunky and noticed. Those 4 are the 4 that are always mentioned and praised. 

But what about the others? I watch them. I watch them intently and I notice their progress. Why? So I can write things like this post--so I can single them out and tell them that their hard work is paying off even when it seems they're getting brushed aside and forgotten about. And maybe it's because I feel that way sometimes that I purposefully watch out for those who aren't recognized; for those who are putting all their heart and soul into something but still getting shoved aside. 

YOU ARE TALENTED!! Your hard work is paying off. You have what it takes. It's not for nothing. 

I wish I could tell them that. I wish they could know. 

And they aren't the only ones. I know they aren't. There are dozens of people in the department that don't get thought of. They are fighting tooth and nail for opportunities and chances but no matter what they do they aren't given the chance. This department is made up of a handful of "leads"; that handful of people who are always cast in shows and recognized for their hard work. But this department is made up of more than its leads. It's made up of its ensemble. A crazy talented ensemble working their butts of trying to make a name for themselves; trying so hard to prove to everyone around them that they are just as talented and deserve just as much recognition and opportunities. And yes, I am one of them. I am fighting tooth and nail for my chance; for my turn in the spot light. And yes, every time it's within my grasp it feels as if something turns it off. And an opportunity is missed out on.

But there are more than just a handful of talented people in this department. And being a part of my musical theater performance class has shown me that more than anything else. In that class are the "leads" and the "ensemble members" of this department and I've got to spend a semester watching each and every one of them struggle through something difficult and overcome it. 

And I couldn't be more proud. 

This semester taught me so much about what it truly means to be a "lead". Being a "lead" in this business is more than just raw talent. It is hard work and late nights and long hours. It is vulnerability and a little presentational. It is going to the dark places and being the people we aren't used to being. It is telling a story in the most honest way we know how. It is never giving up and never letting "I'm not good enough" become a part of your vocabulary. It is taking constructive critisism and applying it. It is taking the highs as well as the lows. It is tears and sleepless nights and countless auditions. It is more than just a performance, it is a way of life. 

And I choose to make it MY life. 

<3: CourtneyRae<3

NoNameThoughts

This semester had such potential when it began. I was prepared for the challenges of taking dance classes and the pain and discomfort it would bring. I was prepared to sing in front of all the people I looked up to and admired. I was ready to put my best foot forward and finally break through--finally be recognized...finally given the chance to shine and make a difference. If not in someone else's life, then certainly in my own. 

I rented out the tap studio for 2 hours every morning. I was going to dance until my legs fell off. 

I scheduled a practice room in the music building--3 different rooms all for different times. I was going to sing until the voice inside me finally came out. 

I was going to improve the most this semester. I wanted people to see me and finally know that I was there. To finally SEE me for who I really am and what I'm really capable of. I didn't want the praise--that's never been what this is about. I am just sick and tired of being in the background; being a second thought. I wanted to break free of the ensemble of the department and finally be who I really am. I just wanted one person--ONE PERSON--to look at me and say something about how hard I've been working. 

But. 

Then the semester began and staying up late with my husband became more important than going to bed early. And sleep became more important than getting up early to practice in the tap studio; became more important than getting to my early morning class 100% of the time. Spending time with my husband watching Netflix and going out with our friends became more important than studying. I couldn't quite figure out the balance this semester. And sure, some people might look at me and laugh and say that I've only been married 6 months and there's no way I can be expected to have it all figured out yet. And ya. I guess that's true. Getting married and suddenly having to figure out your life with another person is overwhelming and humbling and amazing and crazy hard sometimes. 

But. 

I kept telling myself that I was going to be different. That I was going to stay organized and motivated and stay focused on school and not let my married life throw me off track. 

And then the semester was half way over and I had stopped getting up early and stopped using my practice room. My hips got worse and for a while I had to sit out during my musical theater dance class and I fell way behind. I got super down on myself and super frustrated and my progress came to a grinding halt. Everyone was excelling all around me and I just wasn't. and it pissed me off. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what else I COULD do. I worked really hard in class and I memorized the movement as quickly as I could. But I felt so alienated and alone in my classes that I just didn't know where to turn. 

I put everything I had into my dance classes and into my musical theater performance class. I worked my butt of this semester. But it hasn't paid off the way I hoped it would. 

And then, because that's how karma works, everything sort of came crashing down around me. I felt that I wasn't good at anything: dancing, singing, acting, putting myself together in the morning, keeping a clean house, loving my husband, talking to my mom, auditions, work...you name it I felt I wasn't good at it. 

And because of that, I got lazy. I procrastinated work things and I procrastinated things at home and I'm still procrastinating memorizing my lines for Lake Powell Playhouse this summer. 

PAUSE
I'm in 2 shows this summer. Awesome right? Right! Ish. How on Earth do you do that many runs of a show--of more than one show at the same time--without losing your mind or messing up your words and lyrics? how do you do that?!?! I'm terrified. I'm scared out of my mind that I'm not good enough. That I've picked the wrong field. That I'm just one of those girls who thinks she can change the world by going to those hard places and being those characters and telling the stories that deserve to be told. And I know...I KNOW! I'm in the BFA program for a reason. I got cast for a reason at LPPH. I get that. I do. But how do you fight these kinds of fears? They aren't the kind that someone can reassure for you. You can't find this kind of gratification through other people. I mean sure, it helps when other people see your work and they understand and they feel with you and they tell you how your performance touched them in some way. Of course that helps. But at the end of the day, when you're not in a show; when you aren't cast for that dream role; when you're not growing and succeeding like you hoped you would; when you get discouraged and start doubting...how is anyone supposed to fight that? How do you calm those kinds of demons?
PLAY

All of my insecurities reared their ugly heads this semester and I haven't told anyone about them. Not really. I've tried to write about a few of them here but not all of them are theater related so I haven't written about them. 

But it's to the point where I can't really keep it all inside anymore and it's tiring me out trying to keep all of this under control and still function at the same time. I've been drowning out all my doubts and fears by numbing my mind to it all. I've been procrastinating so that I don't have to face my demons. I've been wasting my time watching hours of Netflix  because I am afraid of failing. 

This semester I became afraid of failing. 

Which basically means I've gone against everything I told myself and I've let everything get inside my head and I've let go of my mantra. That's the whole point of this blog; of this whole freaking journey:

"Let your willingness to be great overcome your fear of failure." 

That's the point to all of this. It always has been. And this semester I failed. I failed while I was holding back trying not to fail. And I'm really upset about that. I tried so hard and I worked so hard and I threw my whole self into everything I did this semester. But at the end of it all, I look back and all I see is myself giving into the uncertainty and the fear and holding back. 

And that really sucks. 

<3:CourtneyRae<3