So I talked to Peter on Friday. I just wanted to know if I made it into Next to Normal, I wanted to know if Peter really wasn't going to post the cast list until after spring break. I found out, but I want to write about the audition and callback process first.
My audition was late evening on Wednesday. I went in there, nervous as I had never been before, but stoked I was finally auditioning for a show that I actually had a shot of being a lead in. I sang my piece, "Dead Girl Walking" from "Heathers". It wasn't my strongest performance (go figures), but that song sits so perfectly in my range that even when it isn't my best, it still sounds really great. Sounds cocky I know, but it's true. When I ended, Peter had a smile on his face that said, "there she is, there's Courtney". I walked out of that audition with my head held high and confidence in my step.
The next morning I held my breath as I read through the callback and was shocked to see I was called back for both Natalie and Diana. I downloaded the music for the callbacks (that we were asked to have prepared for the callback) and worked my butt off for 4 hours, memorizing every word, every note and rhythm just as it was written on the page.
I showed up to my callback confident in my abilities, but intimidated by Peter's favorites (jordyn, carly, selena...) and I was worried that I no longer had a shot, worried that Peter was just going to play his favorites "like usual".
The callback carried on, I made it through the first round as Diana with Carly and was surprised out of my mind. Then I made it through the Natalie round with Tami, Brittany and Carly. So there we were, the 4 of us girls. As surprised out of my mind--that Brittany had made it that far, and that she had sang the way she had--that I might have been, there we were.
At the very end of the night, peter had everyone that was left come into the room. There were us 4 girls, and the 6 remaining guys (I think...or 5). Peter had us all line up, as all directors do, and slowly began to swap us out. He had Carly go up there first and she stayed up there the rest of the time. Which pretty much confirmed to me that she will be Diana. I think what happened was that they heard me sing for Natalie and decided I was better fit for her than Diana. So, Carly stayed up there, they sent me up there, then pulled me down and sent Tami up, then Brittany, and then they sent me back up there and had me stand next to Carly. Then they said that was all they needed and they sent us all home, everyone walking out anxious, and me feeling quite confident that I had just landed Natalie--my dream role.
Friday rolled around and I just couldn't stand to wait until after spring break for the list to go up. So I went to see Peter. He knew why I was there and I could tell it was going to be a rough conversation by the look on his face.
**Here's where you can skip all the negativity I felt about what happened and just get down to the moral of the story;)**
As our conversation began, Peter told me that I did a great job and that I brought my "a-game". He then went on to say that hands down, if he had his way,if we were in a professional setting, I would be cast as Natalie--I was the obvious choice, no doubt about it. And then he said the words that I have come to hate, "but we're in an education setting". And I knew right then that my chances were out. Why?
Because Brittany will be a senior next year.
And I will be a junior.
I get it. I get that you have to "play the game" that way...in jr. high and high school sure. But in college? That rule still applies in college? Are you kidding me!?
Our conversation carried on, and Peter kept saying that they were stuck between a rock and a hard place because of several reasons. This is the gist of what Peter said (not word for word, but paraphrased):
"There's you. Amazing vocals true. But your acting chops are not quite where I want them to be (exact words), and Carly's are--so she's a better fit for Diana. You are such a perfect fit for Natalie, your voice is so good and you are the obvious choice. But then there's Brittany. She's been working her butt off and she hasn't been in anything yet. She'll be a senior next year and I can't see her doing Rent, and this is her last big chance. She really brought it and I wasn't expecting that from her."
I agreed with him. Brittany had blown me away. I had only heard her quiet little classical voice but she let it all out during callbacks and I knew she was a contender.
Peter and I continued to talk for another 10 minutes or so. He kept saying that I was the obvious choice, that I was so perfectly fitted to the part, but Brittany would be a senior and she needed something. He kept saying how we were in an educational setting and that it was just how things were. And I would tell him I understood his position and I knew how it worked. Never did he once say who it was that got the part. Not directly.
But we continued on, following down a different tangent. He told me that I shouldn't take this personally. He told me that I was talented, and that I was going to get work and sweep the competition with my vocals alone. He then mentioned a conversation he had with Kirstin, his wife and my current dance/movementII professor. She was saying how worried she is because my hips are so messed up and I'm going to need them to dance. Peters remark to that was that I'm not going to be in dance-heavy shows. So in other words, this is what I heard that whole conversation: "your acting is not great and neither is your dancing. The only hope you have of getting work is your voice". Ya. that was a GREAT conversation. Really left me feeling awesome. Honestly it left me doubting everything, and made me question if I was in the right field; if I was truly any good; if I had any chance of getting work this summer...but that's another entry for another day.
By the end of our conversation, Peter said that he was so relieved that he could talk that way with me and that I understood and without having to hear him say it, I knew that was his way of telling me that Brittany got the part. And I was not happy about.
PAUSE
Brittany is a great girl. I love her to pieces. I really do. This is nothing against her personally, please don't think that. We are great friends and I know she is going to do a fantastic job. It's just hard when you're against your dearest friends for your dream roles and they're the one that gets it ya know?
PLAY
That weekend I was pissed. No other way to say it.
I couldn't help but feel like it was my high school senior year, "Beauty and the Beast" all over again. I was the obvious choice for a lead, for Belle in this show, but I didn't get it because of reasons that no one knows (I actually think they just put our names in a hat a drew one out because they actually said they would probably have to do that because it was just so close. The 3 of us that were left for belle would each do a great job and give 3 very different performances in 3 very different versions of B&B). And here I was again, the obvious choice for a lead, for Natalie, and the role was going to someone else because "she's worked her butt off and hasn't been in anything yet and she's graduating next year so we've gotta give her something"...I was not happy with my situation.
I was furious that I wasn't getting the part, simply because a girl who was going to be a senior had been working her butt off and hadn't been in anything yet.
Excuse me for saying so, but whose fault is that??
If the directors of the shows are trying to make "apple pie", they need apples. If she has been an orange this whole time it's no ones fault! It's just how life is! It's how this business is! It doesn't mean that Brittany isn't talented and it doesn't mean that the directors "owe it to her" to make sure she gets in a show her senior year.
PAUSE
I understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of this situation. In high school I was the senior that got a lead over a junior/sophomore. I know what it feels like. But that's high school theater...not collegiate.
PLAY
The more I thought about it, the more I felt Peter cast Brittany as Natalie, for the same reasons that he DIDN'T cast me as Diana. Carly was the obvious choice for Diana because she has the acting skills to play her character as honestly as possible. I (in the words of Peter) do not have the acting skills needed for Diana (which I actually already knew), but I had the voice and character needed for Natalie. Brittany didn't (not the voice/character Peter was wanting). But she was getting cast because she'll be a senior next year and Peter can't see her in "Rent". But can somehow see me in "Rent".
NEWS FLASH!
I'm not a stripper nor am I ok pretending to be one.
And, I'm not a lesbian or ok making out with girls! Not even on stage.
So do tell me where I fit in "Rent"?
Anyhow.
I spent quite a few days pissed and then my Spring Break was great! And then last night I was pissed again.
I was thinking back about my conversation with Peter, and realized that I had "people-pleased" my way through it, saying I 'understood' why he had to cast an educational way and that I 'didn't blame him' and that 'it was a hard place to be in'. I said everything that made it sound like I was perfectly ok with his decision. But truth is? I WASN'T! So why was I being my typical self and letting him walk all over me, when he knows perfectly well that that's who I am? I should have made a more convincing argument--should have plead my case. Should have pointed out my uncomfortableness with Rent, should have pointed out that MY senior year is going to be a more classical style of musicals (sine this coming year will be ALL rock-type musicals *cough cough* my forte...). I just spent the day kicking myself for rolling over and giving up instead of fighting for myself.
And then I thought, "maybe Peter thought about it over the weekend and decided to give me the role he knows I deserve..." and "maybe it will actually be my name on the cast list..." even though I knew those chances were slim to none.
Well, today came and I woke uneasy. I planned to check for the cast list between my first and second class because I would see Brittany in my second class and I didn't want to be on bad terms with her. But, I ran into her at South Hall where she informed me that the list wasn't even up yet. So we walked together to class and I realized, talking with her, that I was super excited for her to see that list and see her name on it. I was finally able to really accept that it wasn't going to be. It sucked, it sucked a whole heck of a lot. But it felt really great to finally see her and just know that she's going to rock the HECK out of that show.
After our second class we ran over to South Hall, where sure enough Brittany's name was listed, and I smiled wide at her as she cried and was all excited and I hugged her tight and told her how I had known all week and was soooo excited for her...we laughed and it was...a great moment.
And then those that were there with us started all the congratulations and Hannah pitched in, "everyone I talked to was rooting for you and we all were going to like...picket South Hall if you weren't picked!" and so that was a slap to the face of "gee thanks guys! So glad to know that people like me and that I have friends who would've been excited had it been MY name listed on the board"...and then we walked into Theater Design where Demaree had a freaking come apart and hugged Brittany death and said she was hoping it was her all along and that she was so proud of her and so excited...which really hurt. Because Demaree had been working with me on my audition song and telling me "not to tell Brittany but I really hope it's you"...anyhow. I was not happy.
But class carried on, I came home, and was able to let it go. What's done is done. Brittany is still one of my favorite humans in the whole world, and again--this wasn't anything against her personally. I would've felt the same way if it was any other senior girl and Peter and I had had the same conversation.
**Here's where you should pick up if you skipped the middle negative bit**
So. What did this some-what-horribly-wonderful experience teach me?
Something my high school drama teacher, Mr. Shelley, taught me a few years back.
Find my own measure of success.
He told us (my high school class as we began our region competitive season) that we couldn't base our success on the merits of others. Whether or not we did a good job wasn't to be determined by how many points we received, or medals, or trophies. It didn't matter what other people thought. All that mattered is what WE thought.
And without those moments, this whole "Next to Normal" bit probably would've torn me up inside. But I walked out of my audition, and my callbacks with my head held high. I made my mark. The upperclassmen knew who I was and they knew my talents. I would not be so easily forgotten anymore. And that was something to be proud of. That was my success. I put EVERYTHING I had into this audition process. I worked my butt off, and while it didn't pay off the way I wanted, it was still an incredible experience and SUU is still going to put on an INCREDIBLE production of Next to Normal which I will not miss for the world.
I know this post is mostly negative and it sounds like I hate Peter and hate Brittany and everything, but I really don't. It's been a crazy roller coaster, but I do honestly understand why the show was cast the way it was. I get it. That's just how educational theater is run. Granted I didn't think it would play a role in college. But nevertheless, I understand and I KNOW, without a doubt, that NtoN is going to be incredible.
It's all about finding your measure of success. As long as I am proud of the work I've done; as long as I know it's the best I could do; what else matters?
<3: CourtneyRae<3
Monday, March 16, 2015
Monday, February 23, 2015
Finding My Sasha Fierce
So.
Auditions for Next to Normal are a week away. One week until the biggest audition of my theater adventure thus far. I haven't wanted a role this bad in my whole life.
Natalie is...one of my dream roles. I just...relate to her. In sort of a round about way. My parents aren't divorced; my brother has never died; my mom has never had mental illnesses; and I've never dated a druggie.
But.
My whole life I've grown up in my older sisters shadow, feeling almost invisible. Feeling unimportant and easily replaced. Went through some rough phases of suicide contemplation. Went through a particularly ugly phase/addiction of cutting and self-detriment. Pushed everyone away that tried to care about me, thinking I could just do it all on my own; thinking I didn't deserve anyone caring in my life. I dated the "not so great" kind of guys, that would've fit the "stoner" stereotype minus the drug use. I fought with my mom my whole life, consistently disappointing her and proving to be the "black sheep" of our family.
So, in a twisted sort of way, I really connect with her.
Aside from that though, I love her character journey and her songs and her character in general. And the show itself is a beautiful story that hit me really hard the first time I listened to it and learned the story line. I could talk for days about how much I love this show and how badly I want to be in it.
I sang my audition piece, "Dead Girl Walking" from Heathers, for Melinda the other day and she seemed really impressed. She actually asked me "And what did you need me for?" when I finished. She left me speechless quite honestly. But after that she helped me with pronunciation towards the end of the piece that helped me a ton and I'm way excited and nervous out of my brain for this audition.
That being said: I'm not Natalie. We are two opposite people. I don't swear. I don't know how to deal with depression. I don't know how to deal with family death. I don't know how to be deep and intense the way that she is. So I'm going to have to learn how to. And that's kind of hard for me to admit. But I am going to do anything and everything I have to in order to get this part. I was really worried about how I was going to do that, and then musical theater happened on Thursday and gave me a brilliant idea.
Class was incredible on Thursday. We finished up our class songs and we had some major break-throughs. Amber sang and was really emotional about it and we all sang with her while she was working it and Maddie found her mix and was emotional and then Melinda got emotional and said how much she loves her job and us and it got real in there, let me tell ya. It was such a neat experience!
But, towards the end, during Amber's performance/working time, she said that singing wasn't her favorite thing. And Melinda said that was fine and everything was alright and then she started talking about Beyonce.
Apparently, in real life, Beyonce isn't the girl she is on stage when she's shakin everything her momma gave her. She actually isn't comfortable with it. But she needed a way to be, so she created Sasha Fierce; her alter ego.
Sasha Fierce is just that: she is fierce; intense; she is not shy about anything.
So when Beyonce has to get up on stage and be that type of person, she "becomes" Sasha Fierce and allows her to "take over".
That's what I want to do. I want to be able to be intense and dark and more confident and sassy and kind of a "B" to be honest. But I don't want to become that sort of person for the rest of my life. I want to be able to "put that on" when I'm in a show that requires that sort of character, but be able to "take it off" in real life. So I have decided that I'm going to try to make myself and alter ego. Someone that I can pretend to be in shows like "Next to Normal" that deal with darker and more intense situations and language.
I'm hoping that eventually I won't need an alter ego; I'm hoping I'll be able to just act and be genuine about it. But Just to be careful I'm going to find an alter ego first, to make sure I don't pass through old habits, and then slowly let it go.
Sounds kind of ridiculous, I know. But I'm enjoying trying to find a name. I haven't picked one yet, but these are my favorites so far:
-Mikiah
-Iris
-Taelia
-Kitai
I want a name that sounds kind of fierce and uncommon and unique. A name that doesn't sound like me in any way. So we'll keep looking and find a combination that I like.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
Auditions for Next to Normal are a week away. One week until the biggest audition of my theater adventure thus far. I haven't wanted a role this bad in my whole life.
Natalie is...one of my dream roles. I just...relate to her. In sort of a round about way. My parents aren't divorced; my brother has never died; my mom has never had mental illnesses; and I've never dated a druggie.
But.
My whole life I've grown up in my older sisters shadow, feeling almost invisible. Feeling unimportant and easily replaced. Went through some rough phases of suicide contemplation. Went through a particularly ugly phase/addiction of cutting and self-detriment. Pushed everyone away that tried to care about me, thinking I could just do it all on my own; thinking I didn't deserve anyone caring in my life. I dated the "not so great" kind of guys, that would've fit the "stoner" stereotype minus the drug use. I fought with my mom my whole life, consistently disappointing her and proving to be the "black sheep" of our family.
So, in a twisted sort of way, I really connect with her.
Aside from that though, I love her character journey and her songs and her character in general. And the show itself is a beautiful story that hit me really hard the first time I listened to it and learned the story line. I could talk for days about how much I love this show and how badly I want to be in it.
I sang my audition piece, "Dead Girl Walking" from Heathers, for Melinda the other day and she seemed really impressed. She actually asked me "And what did you need me for?" when I finished. She left me speechless quite honestly. But after that she helped me with pronunciation towards the end of the piece that helped me a ton and I'm way excited and nervous out of my brain for this audition.
That being said: I'm not Natalie. We are two opposite people. I don't swear. I don't know how to deal with depression. I don't know how to deal with family death. I don't know how to be deep and intense the way that she is. So I'm going to have to learn how to. And that's kind of hard for me to admit. But I am going to do anything and everything I have to in order to get this part. I was really worried about how I was going to do that, and then musical theater happened on Thursday and gave me a brilliant idea.
Class was incredible on Thursday. We finished up our class songs and we had some major break-throughs. Amber sang and was really emotional about it and we all sang with her while she was working it and Maddie found her mix and was emotional and then Melinda got emotional and said how much she loves her job and us and it got real in there, let me tell ya. It was such a neat experience!
But, towards the end, during Amber's performance/working time, she said that singing wasn't her favorite thing. And Melinda said that was fine and everything was alright and then she started talking about Beyonce.
Apparently, in real life, Beyonce isn't the girl she is on stage when she's shakin everything her momma gave her. She actually isn't comfortable with it. But she needed a way to be, so she created Sasha Fierce; her alter ego.
Sasha Fierce is just that: she is fierce; intense; she is not shy about anything.
So when Beyonce has to get up on stage and be that type of person, she "becomes" Sasha Fierce and allows her to "take over".
That's what I want to do. I want to be able to be intense and dark and more confident and sassy and kind of a "B" to be honest. But I don't want to become that sort of person for the rest of my life. I want to be able to "put that on" when I'm in a show that requires that sort of character, but be able to "take it off" in real life. So I have decided that I'm going to try to make myself and alter ego. Someone that I can pretend to be in shows like "Next to Normal" that deal with darker and more intense situations and language.
I'm hoping that eventually I won't need an alter ego; I'm hoping I'll be able to just act and be genuine about it. But Just to be careful I'm going to find an alter ego first, to make sure I don't pass through old habits, and then slowly let it go.
Sounds kind of ridiculous, I know. But I'm enjoying trying to find a name. I haven't picked one yet, but these are my favorites so far:
-Mikiah
-Iris
-Taelia
-Kitai
I want a name that sounds kind of fierce and uncommon and unique. A name that doesn't sound like me in any way. So we'll keep looking and find a combination that I like.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
Monday, February 16, 2015
Becoming a Triple Threat...?
My confidence is shot.
There, I admitted it.
My confidence this year has gone completely down the drain.
I'm not sure when it happened, and I'm not sure why. But it's shot. I've been running from that fact all year, but I've finally been able to admit it.
I started college Fall of 2013, a little uncertain of how it all worked, but I knew I was talented. I did very well in my high school's theater department, and I knew that I had been blessed with talents. I knew I was a natural and genuine actor, and I knew that I had a powerful voice, even without taking voice lessons before in my life. As my first year of college progressed, I slowly began to make a name for myself, one class performance at a time. The highlight of my year was making the BFA program, after a hasty decision to "just give it a shot". Resulting in the turning of all my plans, upside down and inside out.
I was going to be a theater education major. But now I didn't have a clue what to do.
This year started and so did the dance classes and the voice lessons. Neither of which I had done before.
I knew I was a terrible dancer--sure I could pick up choreography, but it seemed to take me longer than everyone.
I knew I could sing--but voice lessons took everything I could do and tore it apart, forcing me to build technicality.
I knew I could act--but I botched my auditions for most of the years shows.
I was very disappointed and questioning if I was in the right field. And then I made it into Fiddler! Could've cried from being so happy. Working on a show again has made all the difference in the world. It's the only thing that helps me sometimes.
I'm taking 2 dance classes this semester: balletI and dance for musical theater. And they are kicking my trash. I have to work so much harder to pick up on things, to manipulate my body to do what it's supposed to. And it is the most frustrating thing that I've ever done. Everyone else seems to be natural at dancing, and then there's me. I know it takes practice and patience and all that. But no matter how hard I work, I don't get better. It's so frustrating.
I'm supposed to be a triple threat right? Someone who can dance, sing, and act in creative and brilliant ways. But everything feels so upside down lately that I don't have a clue where I'm at.
My voice is changing. In a good way. I've learned how to manage and place things even better than I had before. But I feel like I don't sound good any longer. I get very discouraged during my vocal lessons because I feel like I'm letting my voice instructor down. I feel like I don't sound as good as I used to. But then I perform and everything goes smoothly and my voice feels fine and people are surprised and very complimentary of my voice.
Same with my acting.
My dancing though is still in a realm of its own. A large portion of it is from my hips. My bones role over each other and my tendons get pinched in the middle of them and they are constantly aching and it's hard to dance on them. It is so hard to convince them that they need to move a certain way because my range of motion is so small.
I don't know what I'm going to do anymore though. And if I can't fix this, if I can't do better and work harder and pick up on things faster, then my road to becoming a triple threat is diminishing to a double threat. And that's not good enough.
But once in a blue moon, I have a moment that reminds me why I"m doing what I'm doing; reminds me that I'm on the right path.
The other day in Musical Theater was one of those moments.
I performed my class song, "It Might as Well be Spring" from State Fair, and it went really well. Not perfect, but I was proud of my performance. And everyone was very complimentary about my voice. Demaree said she would have cast me, and the other girls that hadn't ever heard me sing before seemed genuinely impressed.
And then Melinda said, "You have got some pipes" and she seemed impressed and surprised too and I melted on the floor. I look up to her soooooo much. She's married AND has a beautiful little family AND she does theater professionally, AND she teaches. Everything that I want to do! And, if that wasn't enough, the following day at Fiddler rehearsal she put her arm around me and told me that she was really proud of me and my performance. All of that combined just...was exactly what I needed. It was a perfect little tender mercy from Heavenly Father that reminded me that I am talented and that I CAN do this. I was so thankful.
It's the little moments that help me find my confidence and remind me to keep my chin up. AND that life really isn't so bad;)
So, it's on to my next adventure.
NEXT TO NORMAL!!!
Auditions are right after Fiddler, and I've been thinking about what to audition with since last Friday when they announced it. I want to be Natalie so bad I can't even find words strong enough. This show is one of my favorite shows in the WHOLE world, and she is one of my dream roles. That being said--I'm trying not to get my hopes up so much. The more excited I get about it, the harder I'm going to crash if I don't get the role. I don't think I've ever wanted a character this badly. Well, tied for wanting Belle ;)
Anyhow.
I'm working my butt of for this role already. Searching for the perfect song and trying to think of a monologue--I think I've got everything I need now. I'm anxious and excited and all I can do is my very best.
My high school theater teacher, Mr. Shelley, always told us not to take auditions personally. He said that, "Sometimes they are trying to make and apple pie and you're an orange". And that's the case with all auditions. You may think you're perfect for it, but maybe you're an orange and the directer is trying to make an apple pie, not orange juice.
So, in this case:
I hope I am the fruit they need/want. Because this is my chance to finally get my name out there in the department. To finally make myself known.
And I couldn't be more ready for it.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
There, I admitted it.
My confidence this year has gone completely down the drain.
I'm not sure when it happened, and I'm not sure why. But it's shot. I've been running from that fact all year, but I've finally been able to admit it.
I started college Fall of 2013, a little uncertain of how it all worked, but I knew I was talented. I did very well in my high school's theater department, and I knew that I had been blessed with talents. I knew I was a natural and genuine actor, and I knew that I had a powerful voice, even without taking voice lessons before in my life. As my first year of college progressed, I slowly began to make a name for myself, one class performance at a time. The highlight of my year was making the BFA program, after a hasty decision to "just give it a shot". Resulting in the turning of all my plans, upside down and inside out.
I was going to be a theater education major. But now I didn't have a clue what to do.
This year started and so did the dance classes and the voice lessons. Neither of which I had done before.
I knew I was a terrible dancer--sure I could pick up choreography, but it seemed to take me longer than everyone.
I knew I could sing--but voice lessons took everything I could do and tore it apart, forcing me to build technicality.
I knew I could act--but I botched my auditions for most of the years shows.
I was very disappointed and questioning if I was in the right field. And then I made it into Fiddler! Could've cried from being so happy. Working on a show again has made all the difference in the world. It's the only thing that helps me sometimes.
I'm taking 2 dance classes this semester: balletI and dance for musical theater. And they are kicking my trash. I have to work so much harder to pick up on things, to manipulate my body to do what it's supposed to. And it is the most frustrating thing that I've ever done. Everyone else seems to be natural at dancing, and then there's me. I know it takes practice and patience and all that. But no matter how hard I work, I don't get better. It's so frustrating.
I'm supposed to be a triple threat right? Someone who can dance, sing, and act in creative and brilliant ways. But everything feels so upside down lately that I don't have a clue where I'm at.
My voice is changing. In a good way. I've learned how to manage and place things even better than I had before. But I feel like I don't sound good any longer. I get very discouraged during my vocal lessons because I feel like I'm letting my voice instructor down. I feel like I don't sound as good as I used to. But then I perform and everything goes smoothly and my voice feels fine and people are surprised and very complimentary of my voice.
Same with my acting.
My dancing though is still in a realm of its own. A large portion of it is from my hips. My bones role over each other and my tendons get pinched in the middle of them and they are constantly aching and it's hard to dance on them. It is so hard to convince them that they need to move a certain way because my range of motion is so small.
I don't know what I'm going to do anymore though. And if I can't fix this, if I can't do better and work harder and pick up on things faster, then my road to becoming a triple threat is diminishing to a double threat. And that's not good enough.
But once in a blue moon, I have a moment that reminds me why I"m doing what I'm doing; reminds me that I'm on the right path.
The other day in Musical Theater was one of those moments.
I performed my class song, "It Might as Well be Spring" from State Fair, and it went really well. Not perfect, but I was proud of my performance. And everyone was very complimentary about my voice. Demaree said she would have cast me, and the other girls that hadn't ever heard me sing before seemed genuinely impressed.
And then Melinda said, "You have got some pipes" and she seemed impressed and surprised too and I melted on the floor. I look up to her soooooo much. She's married AND has a beautiful little family AND she does theater professionally, AND she teaches. Everything that I want to do! And, if that wasn't enough, the following day at Fiddler rehearsal she put her arm around me and told me that she was really proud of me and my performance. All of that combined just...was exactly what I needed. It was a perfect little tender mercy from Heavenly Father that reminded me that I am talented and that I CAN do this. I was so thankful.
It's the little moments that help me find my confidence and remind me to keep my chin up. AND that life really isn't so bad;)
So, it's on to my next adventure.
NEXT TO NORMAL!!!
Auditions are right after Fiddler, and I've been thinking about what to audition with since last Friday when they announced it. I want to be Natalie so bad I can't even find words strong enough. This show is one of my favorite shows in the WHOLE world, and she is one of my dream roles. That being said--I'm trying not to get my hopes up so much. The more excited I get about it, the harder I'm going to crash if I don't get the role. I don't think I've ever wanted a character this badly. Well, tied for wanting Belle ;)
Anyhow.
I'm working my butt of for this role already. Searching for the perfect song and trying to think of a monologue--I think I've got everything I need now. I'm anxious and excited and all I can do is my very best.
My high school theater teacher, Mr. Shelley, always told us not to take auditions personally. He said that, "Sometimes they are trying to make and apple pie and you're an orange". And that's the case with all auditions. You may think you're perfect for it, but maybe you're an orange and the directer is trying to make an apple pie, not orange juice.
So, in this case:
I hope I am the fruit they need/want. Because this is my chance to finally get my name out there in the department. To finally make myself known.
And I couldn't be more ready for it.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Commit to the Mask
I had such a neat experience the first week in Movement II. I've never done mask work before, so it was kind of mind blowing.
When I first looked at my mask I found it to be really ugly. It looked so unhappy and pained to me I wanted to turn away. I then began to think more about the person that this mask was and what had happened and I began to get a "Hunchback of Notre Dome" vibe and the mask softened to me.
As I put the mask on for the first time, I was a little wary. I knew that this character had to become its own person but I couldn't help but throw all of my insecurities into the mask. I immediately gave this character a gimp leg and hunched over. At first I played her very weak. Weak and afraid. She was shy and didn't want a whole lot of anything to do with anyone. I knew that it was just me being afraid to be bold and put myself out there but I didn't really change anything.
Between that class and the next though, I spent a lot of time thinking about her and myself, how we were similar and how we were different. And it occurred to me that she was very strong. She had fears and doubts just like I did. She had a "handicap" so to speak. But unlike me, she didn't let it hold her back. She just accepted it and carried on, doing whatever the heck she felt like. She looked out for others and reached out to those who were lonely, like I try to do. But she succeeded in truly caring about everyone she met. I don't always do that. I try but I'm still human, and people still bug me. But she wasn't. She wasn't human, and she didn't have to deal with human faults. She didn't have to be bothered by people because that wasn't one of her traits, that was mine.
It was sort of surreal. But She just sort of made sense to me all of the sudden and for a moment I met the person I wanted to be.
And I decided then to let go of a lot of things. To try to at least. But most of all I decided to stop holding back, to stop letting my fears control everything; to stop doubting my talents and gifts. I decided to stop using my hips as an excuse. That one is proving more difficult though as they get continuously worse and more painful--I can only push so far. But I'm working on it.
Overall, it helped to prove a theory that I've been circulating through my mind. I shared it in class sort of, but it sounded...really lame actually, and I felt like everyone just looked at me like "duh courtney". But that doesn't matter in the end, it was my own personal break through. And here it is:
Theatre is not about me.
I know, brilliant right? ;)
But seriously, it's not. It's about the character I'm playing and their experiences. It's about how they interact with people and how they've learned to be who they are. Theatre is about telling a story to the most honest place I can. If that means I have to wear a strange costume or have a weird voice, that's what it means! Because that's who my character is. For so long I've always worried about how I look on stage and when I perform. I've been so concerned about whether or not people will recognize me and tell me that I did a good job, and confirm to me that I'm in the right industry that I've lost experiences I could have had with my characters.
For example:
My senior year we did Beauty and the Beast. And it came down to me and 2 other girls for the role of Belle (one of my dream rolls). There was me, a sophmore (who I felt didn't have the right voice for Belle), and another senior (that wasn't as vocally strong as I was and the two of us didn't have the greatest history and it's a long story and not important). I thought I had the part in the bag, so did a lot of other people to be honest. I was the favorite I guess you could say. But at the end of the night, the director made the call and the other senior girl was cast as Belle and I was cast as Madame de la Grande Bouche (the wardrobe). I was pissed. Hoenstly I was. That was "my" role. It was going to be my spot, my perfect character. And I didn't get it. I was so bitter. For most of the rehearsal progress I was angry and upset and so lost as I was trying to portray this character (Madame) that was so outside what I normally played.
The show was great, and the girl who was Belle did a good job. And I did a good job. But at the end of the show, I looked back and realized how much I missed out on. I hadn't noticed that I was so angry during the rehearsal progress. I didn't realize that I was upset I had to play an "object" and be a goofy character--that I was worried how people would view me. But when the show ended I realized just how mediocre I had played my character and how unjust I had been to her. I was so focused on ME and how I looked and sounded that I didn't even bother with Madame as a character. I didn't put the same effort into her as I had my other "lead roles" that I had played.
But I'm learning, more and more, that theatre is about being committed to the mask--being committed to the character we are playing and their story that we are sharing. I shouldn't want the audience to be able to recognize me on stage or when I perform. I should want to be so devoted to my character that they see my face and don't recognize me.
It's going to take a lot of work on my part to be that "out there". I'm filled with so much doubt and insecurities, but I hope I can get there.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
When I first looked at my mask I found it to be really ugly. It looked so unhappy and pained to me I wanted to turn away. I then began to think more about the person that this mask was and what had happened and I began to get a "Hunchback of Notre Dome" vibe and the mask softened to me.
As I put the mask on for the first time, I was a little wary. I knew that this character had to become its own person but I couldn't help but throw all of my insecurities into the mask. I immediately gave this character a gimp leg and hunched over. At first I played her very weak. Weak and afraid. She was shy and didn't want a whole lot of anything to do with anyone. I knew that it was just me being afraid to be bold and put myself out there but I didn't really change anything.
Between that class and the next though, I spent a lot of time thinking about her and myself, how we were similar and how we were different. And it occurred to me that she was very strong. She had fears and doubts just like I did. She had a "handicap" so to speak. But unlike me, she didn't let it hold her back. She just accepted it and carried on, doing whatever the heck she felt like. She looked out for others and reached out to those who were lonely, like I try to do. But she succeeded in truly caring about everyone she met. I don't always do that. I try but I'm still human, and people still bug me. But she wasn't. She wasn't human, and she didn't have to deal with human faults. She didn't have to be bothered by people because that wasn't one of her traits, that was mine.
It was sort of surreal. But She just sort of made sense to me all of the sudden and for a moment I met the person I wanted to be.
And I decided then to let go of a lot of things. To try to at least. But most of all I decided to stop holding back, to stop letting my fears control everything; to stop doubting my talents and gifts. I decided to stop using my hips as an excuse. That one is proving more difficult though as they get continuously worse and more painful--I can only push so far. But I'm working on it.
Overall, it helped to prove a theory that I've been circulating through my mind. I shared it in class sort of, but it sounded...really lame actually, and I felt like everyone just looked at me like "duh courtney". But that doesn't matter in the end, it was my own personal break through. And here it is:
Theatre is not about me.
I know, brilliant right? ;)
But seriously, it's not. It's about the character I'm playing and their experiences. It's about how they interact with people and how they've learned to be who they are. Theatre is about telling a story to the most honest place I can. If that means I have to wear a strange costume or have a weird voice, that's what it means! Because that's who my character is. For so long I've always worried about how I look on stage and when I perform. I've been so concerned about whether or not people will recognize me and tell me that I did a good job, and confirm to me that I'm in the right industry that I've lost experiences I could have had with my characters.
For example:
My senior year we did Beauty and the Beast. And it came down to me and 2 other girls for the role of Belle (one of my dream rolls). There was me, a sophmore (who I felt didn't have the right voice for Belle), and another senior (that wasn't as vocally strong as I was and the two of us didn't have the greatest history and it's a long story and not important). I thought I had the part in the bag, so did a lot of other people to be honest. I was the favorite I guess you could say. But at the end of the night, the director made the call and the other senior girl was cast as Belle and I was cast as Madame de la Grande Bouche (the wardrobe). I was pissed. Hoenstly I was. That was "my" role. It was going to be my spot, my perfect character. And I didn't get it. I was so bitter. For most of the rehearsal progress I was angry and upset and so lost as I was trying to portray this character (Madame) that was so outside what I normally played.
The show was great, and the girl who was Belle did a good job. And I did a good job. But at the end of the show, I looked back and realized how much I missed out on. I hadn't noticed that I was so angry during the rehearsal progress. I didn't realize that I was upset I had to play an "object" and be a goofy character--that I was worried how people would view me. But when the show ended I realized just how mediocre I had played my character and how unjust I had been to her. I was so focused on ME and how I looked and sounded that I didn't even bother with Madame as a character. I didn't put the same effort into her as I had my other "lead roles" that I had played.
But I'm learning, more and more, that theatre is about being committed to the mask--being committed to the character we are playing and their story that we are sharing. I shouldn't want the audience to be able to recognize me on stage or when I perform. I should want to be so devoted to my character that they see my face and don't recognize me.
It's going to take a lot of work on my part to be that "out there". I'm filled with so much doubt and insecurities, but I hope I can get there.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Don't Be One of Them
The last day of my senior year, my theater teacher told me this,
"There are enough people in this business to tell you 'no'. Don't be one of them."
He was quoting some professional actress from some interview, but he never remembered which one.
I've been thinking about that a lot recently.
Right now, we all have the opportunity to work together. To grow and nurture our talents together. We get to sit in a classroom and present our work, and know that we are in a safe space. Surrounded by those who are also trying to become the very best that they can be. We know that in those classrooms we can get constructive criticism and get it politely.
But once we step outside of the doors of our SUU college education, that politeness and help and everything that we're used to vanishes. The big bright world that's out there waiting for us is not quite so bright. It's going to be hard to get work, because we'll have to be top of the game. we will be surrounded by people that will say no to our talents and abilities.
So why do people have to be like that now?
There have been so many times that I just want to scream at everyone. Just scream that "I am a part of this theater department too!!" I feel like such an outsider,unwelcome and unneeded. I can't look anyone in the eye and say that I honestly believe I have real friends in this department.
My thoughts are all over the place right now, I can't take what i'm feeling and put it into words. I mean...people are friendly to me. They will talk to me now and again. During rehearsal everyone is kind and will actually come up to me and talk to me. But on campus it's like no one really knows me or wants me around really.
I came from 6 years of thinking the theatre department was supposed to be a big family, where people always had each others backs regardless of if you were best friends or not. But here? I don't feel a part of that. I can see it, I know it exists. But it's almost like...it exists around me. As if I'm standing in a glass box, and people can see me and talk to me, but I can't follow them or truly be a part of their lives because nobody wants a glass box in their way.
And I know that this isn't high school anymore, and this kind of drama shouldn't be a problem. But seriously?!? I would really like to have some true and honest friends that invite me to things. It seems like everyone goes out except for me. And I get it: I'm married. But i need friends too. I like to go out for food after rehearsal. I like to have late nights and watch movies.
It's not like I'm not trying either. For the last year and a 1/2, I have tried to make friends. I've done everything from inserting myself to conversations to following people around, to backing off and waiting for people to come talk to me...but it just doesn't seem to matter. I am so lonely inside of this department and I don't know how to handle it.
There will be enough people out there in the world to shun us and tell us no and that we aren't good enough and that we should stop doing what we love to do--why don't people understand that? NOW is the time to band together and support each other and be a strong source of learning and growth. Not tearing each other down and ignoring each other.
I get that everything is sort of a competition. I do. We're all after the same rolls and parts and experiences. But do we have to trash everyone around us in order to get there? I don't think we should have to.
In class, whenever I perform or do anything, people seem to respect what I do and like it and tell me that i'm talented and people even tell me that they want to try and do some of the things that I do. But outside the classroom no one seems to want anything to do with me.
"Always on the outside,
Always looking in.
Trying to b noticed;
and breakout from
withing
Never quite invited,
Never quite missed.
Needed on occasion
Yet easily Dismissed.
Working for my big debut,
from the shadows caused
by you.
Longing for the sun to
shine
Before you've all left
me behind."
I wrote that a few days ago when I was just super fed up with all this negativity I was feeling. And then I looked around me and noticed all the other people that get treated the same way as me. And I've tried to reach out more to them and to include others and try not to be so closed off as a lot of other people are. And it's been helpful, but I still just feel alone.
I know this doesn't really have a lot to theater, or so it seems, but the moral of my thought process is this:
In this industry we're all just trying to do what we love and do it the best we can. And I think it's time to stop isolating people and start helping each other along.
<3: CourtneyRae
Right now, we all have the opportunity to work together. To grow and nurture our talents together. We get to sit in a classroom and present our work, and know that we are in a safe space. Surrounded by those who are also trying to become the very best that they can be. We know that in those classrooms we can get constructive criticism and get it politely.
But once we step outside of the doors of our SUU college education, that politeness and help and everything that we're used to vanishes. The big bright world that's out there waiting for us is not quite so bright. It's going to be hard to get work, because we'll have to be top of the game. we will be surrounded by people that will say no to our talents and abilities.
So why do people have to be like that now?
There have been so many times that I just want to scream at everyone. Just scream that "I am a part of this theater department too!!" I feel like such an outsider,unwelcome and unneeded. I can't look anyone in the eye and say that I honestly believe I have real friends in this department.
My thoughts are all over the place right now, I can't take what i'm feeling and put it into words. I mean...people are friendly to me. They will talk to me now and again. During rehearsal everyone is kind and will actually come up to me and talk to me. But on campus it's like no one really knows me or wants me around really.
I came from 6 years of thinking the theatre department was supposed to be a big family, where people always had each others backs regardless of if you were best friends or not. But here? I don't feel a part of that. I can see it, I know it exists. But it's almost like...it exists around me. As if I'm standing in a glass box, and people can see me and talk to me, but I can't follow them or truly be a part of their lives because nobody wants a glass box in their way.
And I know that this isn't high school anymore, and this kind of drama shouldn't be a problem. But seriously?!? I would really like to have some true and honest friends that invite me to things. It seems like everyone goes out except for me. And I get it: I'm married. But i need friends too. I like to go out for food after rehearsal. I like to have late nights and watch movies.
It's not like I'm not trying either. For the last year and a 1/2, I have tried to make friends. I've done everything from inserting myself to conversations to following people around, to backing off and waiting for people to come talk to me...but it just doesn't seem to matter. I am so lonely inside of this department and I don't know how to handle it.
There will be enough people out there in the world to shun us and tell us no and that we aren't good enough and that we should stop doing what we love to do--why don't people understand that? NOW is the time to band together and support each other and be a strong source of learning and growth. Not tearing each other down and ignoring each other.
I get that everything is sort of a competition. I do. We're all after the same rolls and parts and experiences. But do we have to trash everyone around us in order to get there? I don't think we should have to.
In class, whenever I perform or do anything, people seem to respect what I do and like it and tell me that i'm talented and people even tell me that they want to try and do some of the things that I do. But outside the classroom no one seems to want anything to do with me.
"Always on the outside,
Always looking in.
Trying to b noticed;
and breakout from
withing
Never quite invited,
Never quite missed.
Needed on occasion
Yet easily Dismissed.
Working for my big debut,
from the shadows caused
by you.
Longing for the sun to
shine
Before you've all left
me behind."
I wrote that a few days ago when I was just super fed up with all this negativity I was feeling. And then I looked around me and noticed all the other people that get treated the same way as me. And I've tried to reach out more to them and to include others and try not to be so closed off as a lot of other people are. And it's been helpful, but I still just feel alone.
I know this doesn't really have a lot to theater, or so it seems, but the moral of my thought process is this:
In this industry we're all just trying to do what we love and do it the best we can. And I think it's time to stop isolating people and start helping each other along.
<3: CourtneyRae
Friday, January 9, 2015
A Changed State of Mind
Today, I was watching an episode of "Lie to Me", where Cal, the main character, told one of his associates that she was destined for greater things but she would never feel ready for them. He went on to explain that it was because she still mentally viewed herself as the person she used to be, not who she was becoming in her heart, and that until she changed her mind, she would never succeed. And that hit me a lot harder than it should have in a lot of different ways.
Let me explain.
I just recently got married, October of last year to be exact, and I've been struggling a lot figuring out who I am, and what it means to be a wife and to truly put someones needs before your own. It's been extremely hard because i haven't ever truly found myself. and now I have to find myself and figure out who I am as an adult, and as a wife, at the SAME TIME. And that's hard. I'm trying to build my own opinions and thoughts and identity but so much of my husband influences every thought and moment of my life.
And that's not a bad thing.
I love my husband with allllll my heart. I don't know exactly how I lived life without him to be honest. It's very strange picturing what my life would be like right now without him.
That being said. In my mind, I'm still that lost and confused 18 year old that left home for the first time a year and a half ago. I'm still that girl that cut ties with all of her high school friends; who left everyone behind to try and find herself, only to discover that she needed them all along; only to regret most of her 18 years; only to question every move she had ever made and every decision that had led her here, where there was no one.
In my mind I'm immature and unskilled and undeserving of the goodness that is my life. And because I still see myself as who I used to be, I can't become who I want to be. I can't be the wife or the performer or the person I wish to be.
In my heart lives a totally and completely different version of me. She is strong and confident and compassionate and a hard worker who can put others before herself without feeling cheated. I try every day to be that person, but I'm still holding myself back. My heart longs to be one person, but my mind is holding me back to who I used to be.
With that, comes something that Peter Sham said to our acting 1 class my first semester in Fall of 2013:
"Let your willingness to be great overcome
your fear of failure."
That's something that has stuck with me every day since I heard those words. And it's my goal, to be better than my fears. To be able to throw myself into something without being afraid to fall. Or to fail. I'm trying to learn everything I can and be the very best out there. To work harder than anyone else, to be more prepared than anyone else; to want to be great more than anyone else. And to still be human inside of it all; to be humble and real and compassionate.
This semester I really want to find myself and to work harder than I ever have before, to set my work ethic and credibility higher than it's ever been before.
To let my willingness to be great, overcome my fear of failure.
<3:CourtneyRae
Let me explain.
I just recently got married, October of last year to be exact, and I've been struggling a lot figuring out who I am, and what it means to be a wife and to truly put someones needs before your own. It's been extremely hard because i haven't ever truly found myself. and now I have to find myself and figure out who I am as an adult, and as a wife, at the SAME TIME. And that's hard. I'm trying to build my own opinions and thoughts and identity but so much of my husband influences every thought and moment of my life.
And that's not a bad thing.
I love my husband with allllll my heart. I don't know exactly how I lived life without him to be honest. It's very strange picturing what my life would be like right now without him.
That being said. In my mind, I'm still that lost and confused 18 year old that left home for the first time a year and a half ago. I'm still that girl that cut ties with all of her high school friends; who left everyone behind to try and find herself, only to discover that she needed them all along; only to regret most of her 18 years; only to question every move she had ever made and every decision that had led her here, where there was no one.
In my mind I'm immature and unskilled and undeserving of the goodness that is my life. And because I still see myself as who I used to be, I can't become who I want to be. I can't be the wife or the performer or the person I wish to be.
In my heart lives a totally and completely different version of me. She is strong and confident and compassionate and a hard worker who can put others before herself without feeling cheated. I try every day to be that person, but I'm still holding myself back. My heart longs to be one person, but my mind is holding me back to who I used to be.
With that, comes something that Peter Sham said to our acting 1 class my first semester in Fall of 2013:
"Let your willingness to be great overcome
your fear of failure."
That's something that has stuck with me every day since I heard those words. And it's my goal, to be better than my fears. To be able to throw myself into something without being afraid to fall. Or to fail. I'm trying to learn everything I can and be the very best out there. To work harder than anyone else, to be more prepared than anyone else; to want to be great more than anyone else. And to still be human inside of it all; to be humble and real and compassionate.
This semester I really want to find myself and to work harder than I ever have before, to set my work ethic and credibility higher than it's ever been before.
To let my willingness to be great, overcome my fear of failure.
<3:CourtneyRae
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)