Hello!
Wow, it has been quite some time...don't I always say that though? ;) Trying to keep a blog about all things theatre in my life as well as write in a journal about all things...about my life gets a little insane sometimes and the battle of trying to keep them both updated gets a little insane.
But I'm back!
When I started this post, I was going to publish it last semester in November. It was all about how I had talked with Melinda about my Rent audition and what I had learned. And I still want to touch on that. Still want to talk about it. It just feels like forever away and I almost don't know how to even start.
But I guess we'll just dive right in.
When I wasn't cast as a lead in Rent I was really upset. I wrote about it in the blog and I got all the nasty feelings out of the way and wrote them all down and I thought that that meant I was automatically better; that I wouldn't be hurt anymore.
But that wasn't the case.
I thought that maybe I just needed to let it go. That maybe I just needed to except that I was too "Utah" to do anything this edgy or 'real life'. I thought I could come up with my own reasons and be just fine.
But that also wasn't the case.
So I decided to talk to Melinda, the director. Which I was super hesitant about at first because I didn't know what to expect from her. She had always given me compliments and told me how talented I was but then, when given the opportunity to be in a show that was right up my alley, I wasn't cast as a lead. So I was nervous to say the least.
PAUSE
I always feel guilty about complaining when I don't get cast as a lead. I really do. There are so many talented people who audition for shows who don't even get cast and I have the nerve to be upset that I'm in the ensemble?!? Sounds a little twisted and super high and mighty of me. But I truly honestly felt like this year was going to be my year to shine and it just hasn't really been that way. Anyhow.
PLAY
Melinda is incredible. When I walked up to her during a Next to Normal rehearsal, she was smiley and kind and she really helped me understand why the show had been cast the way it was. Here's what I learned:
First of all: I had an amazing audition. I came in and was unafraid and I tackled the audition.
But when it came to the callbacks? I came across timid. I didn't attack the callback like I should have. I played it safe. And Melinda wasn't looking for people that she had to "pull the fire out of". She wanted people who were there and who were ready to tackle this show. And honestly I wasn't sure if I was. And it showed. The dance callback was a whole other situation. I played it safe. Which...of course I did. I still have no idea what's wrong with my hips (which sucks) and it's hard to throw my whole heart and soul into dancing when I have a very distinct and very low breaking point. There isn't a whole lot I can do without pain and discomfort. And when it really came down to it, I simply didn't fit the show in a way that the leads should have.
Long Story short: I got in my own way.
Now, as I think back to how I felt immediately after my chat with Melinda, I remember wondering, "Do I wish I hadn't asked?". I was beating myself up pretty badly after our talk. My mind was a swimming mass of: "If I had only"s and "I wish I would have"s.
A few minutes after our chat, my mind was swimming in: "Now what"s and "How do I change that"s.
PAUSE
At this point, there are a few things you should know about me.
I hate callbacks. HATE them. They make me feel small, untalented and invisible. Auditions? I love them. I can walk in tall, fully confident in my talents and abilities. I can walk in there knowing that "they have a problem and I am the solution" (so to speak) and I can nail an audition. But callbacks? Man! If I walk into callbacks feeling confident and talented and at ease, I instantly feel like a terrible human being. Who am I to think that I am "better" than anyone else? Who am I to think that I am more "talented" than anyone else? All of the sudden I'm surrounded by talented people who went through the same audition I did and I feel like I can't be proud of who I am. I feel like I have to hide and blend in because no body wants an airhead. No one wants a diva.
It's so frustrating.
PLAY
Some people say that ignorance is bliss. That not knowing will make you happier or help you be less stressed or whatever. But to those people I have to say:
WAKE UP!!
Do you really want to spend your whole life not knowing something that could have helped you grow or made you a better person? Something that could've changed your whole entire outlook on life?
Hearing Melinda tell me (in different and many more words) that I got in my own way was like a slap to the face from reality. It was like someone woke me up by throwing a cold bucket of water on my face.
I realized in those moments following our conversation that the time to be embarrassed of my talents and hard work was gone; that it never should have existed in the first place. I am talented. I have been blessed in my life to have incredible teachers and parents and friends who have helped me and supported me and help me grow. I'm a junior now. I am auditioning for real theatre companies like USF and Tuacahn. This is the real deal. I can't walk around trying to please everyone and make people feel like I'm not talented enough to be a threat. I can't do it anymore.
I am talented.
I am working my butt off to be a part of this world (cheesy flashback to "The Little Mermaid" haha)and it's about time that I took pride in the work that I am doing.
I can no longer sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. The time has come for me to fight for this with everything I've got.
I AM a threat.
And I am coming.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
