It's been a while no?
Well, I got back from Page, Arizona and started school the following day. It was insane. Trying to unpack and organize our new apartment at the same time while trying to fix my school schedule and catching up with friends...Not to mention that rehearsals for Hamlet started almost simultaneously.
Hamlet was an incredible experience! I was part of the last night show that will ever take place on the Adams Memorial Shakespeare Theatre and that is a pretty fantastic thing. Peter Sham, the director, had this cool idea to "gender swap" the show once he saw in rehearsals just how many talented senior girls there are. So Hamlet, Horatio, Claudius, Laertes, Fortinbras, Marcellous, Bernardo, and Francisco were all females and Ophelia and Gertrude we men. Most of the other roles were the same as they usually are though.
Anyhow.
We created this matriarchal society where the women didn't act manly, but were vikings and warriors. It was a really cool experience.
I was added to the cast at the end of last year (I hadn't auditioned) and I had felt like they added me to the cast because they felt bad I hadn't been cast in Next to Normal. But I said thank you and then waited all summer for the script. I was cast as Francisco, a Denmark Soldier; A Player; and one of Fortinbras' soldiers at the very end. I had 4 complete hair, costume, and makeup changes because I went from Francisco to the Player back to Francisco then to Fortinbras' soldier. It was insane! But sooooo fun=]
The other really cool thing that we did in our performance was the play within the play. Usually that scene is just kinda small and "oh look that person is poisoning the king (in our case queen)" but Peter decided that he wanted to make it a mini rock musical. It was so cool! It was the first time I had the chance to really sing in front of an audience at SUU. I got to belt and mix and sing really high notes and then once the play was over and the queen said "give me some lights! Away!" everyone shouted "lights" and we all ran off stage and all the lights came up and that was the end of Act1. It would be silent for a moment, and then the audience would erupt in screams and applause. It was such an adrenaline rush and I loved every moment of that show.
Since I got back, I have done one whole show, and auditioned for 4: Utah Shakespeare Festival, SUU's Toyland, SUU's You Can't Take it With You (hereafter reffered to as: YCTIWY), and SUU's Rent.
I was cast in Toyland (which is a Peter and Kirsten Sham original) as the Mom. Which, "yay I was cast in a musical!" but like...really this show seems so strange and I'm hardly in it at all so...victory but not exactly.
USF went ok. I had a major cold and cold hardly sing and so I felt like I did a poor job. But Melinda Vaughn had told me that I would be on e of the strongest voices in not THEE strongest voice that they heard from the students that auditioned. So I felt like I kind of let her down.
YCTIWY and Rent were these last two days. I auditioned for both and I walked out of that audition copmletely satisfied and happy with the audition I gave. I sang 16 measures of "Dogfight" from Dogfight and a monologue from a play called Beau Jest. It went great!
The next morning the callbacks came out. I didn't get called back for YCTIWY but I did get called back for Rent. I was stoked.
We had the dance callbacks first. Which, I know I'm not a great dancer but I try really hard and I'm about average. After that all 50 of us went back up campus to the black box to start the singing portion of it all.
The first thing Melinda (the director to be) had us do was sing a part of "Seasons of Love" as a group. Then we all went out and practiced and she told us to do whatever we wanted, to riff and wail like crazy. But she warned us that she was looking for proper placement above everything. Then we went back into the room in small groups, sang it all together the way it was written, and then we sang it one at a time with our own flavor and spin to it.
What ended up coming out of my voice was not what I had planned or practiced and I messed up the timing at the end. So it wasn't great. But after everyone had gone they started to split us up to sing for characters.
The first side that I was given was for the mom, singing the little bit that she leaves on the answering machine. Honestly my first thought was, "if they cast me as a mom in another musical I'm going to be pissed". This was my show. I was meant to be in Rent. That is my voice style that was my strong suit, I hadn't been cast as a lead in anything and this was supposed to be my show.
A few minutes later as we're all standing in line to sing it one by one, I'm handed a side for Mimi. Not a character I thought I'd play, but I wasn't going to complain. Then, I went in and sang the mom bit, messed up a note and took the time to correct it, and walked out.
After that they focused on the guys for a long time. We all sort of sat around and practiced our sides. A handful of my friends that are part of Next to Normal were supposed to have rehearsal that night but callbacks were going long and eventually the stage manager stomped through the door, said something to Melinda, then stomped back out and told all the NtoN cast that they were released and needed to go to rehearsal. Which was outrageous because it jipped them of opportunities and Melinda of hearing more of them. I was really mad and upset for them but sort of thinking, "you are in NtoN. You're in the other rock musical. You shouldn't be cast in both". Which I felt bad for but it's the truth.
About 30-45 minutes passed, I run to the bathroom for a minute and when I come back, they've handed out new Mimi sides, her main solo to be exact. But when I came back upstairs and looked right at the assistant director, he didn't hand me anything. Which I knew was a bad sign. And maybe I should've said something. But I wasn't going to "be that guy" that asks "where's mine? shouldn't I have one?" ya know? Well, another 10 minutes go by and they hand out some more sides, none of which I get. And then the AD comes out and says, "If I don't read your name you are free to go" and then he reads of about 10 names. None of which were mine. My heart broke. I wanted to ask him "are you sure? Melinda isn't going to hear me sing for any of the characters? are you sure?" but he just said "thank you everyone for coming tonight" and I left.
I was furious.
Melinda Vaughn was going to tell me that I was one of if not the best voice USF was going to hear but then she wasn't going to even give me a chance to sing for her? She had kept me there all night, keeping me through the first cut so "obviously" she wanted to hear more from me but then she didn't give me the chance? What was that all about?
I went home just bawling. When I left, Tammi (who I'd been talking with about Rent, and how we felt about who should be cast, for the last 2 ish weeks) came over and hugged me and told me she loved me and I about broke and started crying then. But instead I just turned the radio up really loud and cried on the way home. I walked past Kollin up to our bedroom without saying anything really and he came up and asked me what was wrong and I just fell apart in his arms. I was so mad. I'm still mad to be honest. I slept restlessly that night and woke up with a nasty crick in my neck after dreaming about floating cast lists.
The most frustrating part of the whole thing, is that there were only 4 girls asked to stay. 2 of them were BFA juniors that I really wanted to get cast because they haven't had leads in anything either and are in my same boat of having been jipped thus far of roles we should've got, but the other 2? One of them was a girl who is horrible to work with because she is terrible to people and the other was a lower class man. I should've been in that group. I should've. It should be me, a musical theatre BFA, and the other 2 BFA's getting cast in this show. But my chances were slime to none.
I'm pissed.
This year was supposed to be my year. I should've been in Next to Normal, but no. Peter said he had to cast the "educational theatre Natalie" and that he couldn't cast me, "the professional theatre Natalie" and then he turned around and told the complete opposite to one of my dear friends who was up for the Dad and now plays the Doctors. He told me that he "Brittany was a senior so she was going to get the role over me because I'm a junior". He reassured and reassured me that I would be cast in Rent. And maybe if he had been there I would've stayed. Maybe I just wasn't risky enough. Maybe my placement wasn't as spot on as it can be. I don't know. That's all I could think about that night: what I could've, should've done differently.
The next morning, Friday morning, I worked in the office*, anxiously awaiting the cast list. Then at 10:30 Andrew came in to cover for me while I ran to costume construction.
Class passed slowly and then, half way through, Tammi got really excited. The cast list had been sent out. She sent it to me and I read over it. I was in the ensemble. Tammi was cast as Mimi and Jordyn was Maureen and a name I didn't recognize was Joanne. I was really disappointed.
Kade, who is assistant directing, was sitting next to me and nudged me and his face was smiling wide and was asking if I was excited. I shook my head and told him I wasn't happy about it at all. He nodded and said he understood and that he wanted to talk for a bit after class.
So class ends early and I hug Tammi and ask who the girl is that I don't recognize and she tells me that she is a freshman.
A freshman.
And my hate-fire exploded.
Kade walks with me out to my car. All the while I'm crying and explaining how upset I am that a freshman has been cast. Explaining that she still has 4+ years at SUU and that her chances of being cast as a lead in a rock musical are still really high because SUU will most likely do another handful of them. But mine? I'm only going to be here for another year-year and a half and what are the odds of doing another rock musical season? Slim to none.
Kade told me that I was completely justified in what I was feeling. He told me to accept it all and let myself feel it. He told me not to smother it because that wouldn't do any good. He told me that I was crazy talented. He told me that not being cast had nothing to do with my talents and abilities.
I told him that I had been so sure of where and how I fit into our department with the talents and abilities that I have and now it feels like everything has shattered beneath me and I am unsure of everything now. I'm surrounded by professors who are so kind and work so hard with me and compliment me and tell me I"m so talented and that I'll have work outside of school and that I'll have countless opportunities but when they have the opportunity to cast me and to work with me they don't take it. They shy away from it and then cast me ins something random like Toyland or the ensemble of Hamlet to make me feel better about not being cast as a lead in anything.
I told him that I knew I probably didn't "bring it" as much as I should have. I told him that I knew I probably could've taken bigger risk and that I could understand that.
Kade told me that he could lie to anyone else, that he would lie to anyone else, but not to me. He told me that I did bring it. He told me that my audition was soooo spot on. He told me that I sounded so good and that there was literally nothing else I could've done. He told me that I was being seriously considered but in the end I just didn't fit and that it was nothing personal.
And the girl that was cast is talented. There is NO denying that she is. She looks the part, she is fierce, she will do incredible. I know she will.
But still.
Right before Kade left and I got in my car, he told me that he knew I was going to pick myself up; that I was going to get past this and that I was going to do incredible things even if I didn't know it yet. He told me to turn my emotions into passion, to let them fuel my desire to be better. He told me to take my hate-fire and let it drive me forward; that we are artists and that that's what we do. we take our angers and frustrations and disappointments and let them fuel our work; that we get by and grow and get better.
It was refreshing to be honest. But I still felt the anger bubbling inside me. I didn't know how to get past it. All I knew was that my year to be a lead in a musical just passed me by and I was furious.
That night when Kollin got back from work my anger sort of leaked out all over him and I felt horrible. But we went on a date-something we hadn't done in a long time since I had been so busy with rehearsals and shows and would continue to be so for the rest of this year and next semester...so we went to Staheli corn maize in St. George with our best friend Steve and his girlfriend EmmaLee.
It was so good to bet out of the house. It truly was. We laughed and got rained on and enjoyed the night. The three of them went through the haunted corn maize after all of us walked through the regular one. Then we went through the petting zoo and I just felt a weight lift from my shoulders.
I was still angry.
I am still angry. I'm still upset. But I think more than anything I just want to talk to Melinda about what I could've done or about what I can do to work harder and be better.
I emailed her and asked if we could meet after Fall Break on like Wednesday and I haven't heard back from her yet, but I'm not feeling quite so terrible about it. I just want to know why ya know? Besides, it's not her fault that Peter plays games and strings us all along. It's not her fault that she actually casts shows and gives the roles to those who will best fulfill them and Peter gives it to whoever he wants and plays the "educational theatre" card whenever it suits him best. It's not her fault.
I can honestly say that I am SOOO excited to be a part of this show, to work with everyone. I truly am. It's going to be hard. Just like being a body double for NtoN is hard. But with Rent I am going to work harder than I have ever worked in my whole lie. I am going to perfect my Mix Voice placement and find my inner fierce-ness and find the woman in me. I'm going to do it.
I am going to be the strongest ensemble member that anyone has ever seen.
Just watch me.
<3: CourtneyRae<3
